mikedb1492

Overall, pretty good. I've never heard a story in present tense before and I thought you did it well. I did have one problem with it, though. “I’ll have to ...

Okay, here we go. I got off the train with a sigh, I was finally to my... Replace that comma with a period. All around me the city was buzzing ...

Everyone else got everything. The only thing I can tell you is that in this story of yours you should get rid of all the parts like the quote below. ...

But what did make me finally leave was when he had tried to sell me as a prostitute. Change the beginning to 'But what made me finally...' It flows better. ...

Overall this was pretty good. The main thing I had a problem with was when you described 'flit', that running thing. I'd incorporate it later in the story when Razi ...

With a supised yelp she fell to floor. You forgot the 'r' in 'surprised'. ...she peeled herself off the bed and made herself in fornt of her long mirror. You ...

...whose lesser wealth had forced her to labor to run her own household. Put a comma after labor. Enraged, his whole body shook he slowly sat down. 'Enraged, his whole ...

A breeze wandered through the air, as the last fractured rays of light brushed against the wizard’s cloak. You don't need the comma. intricately patterned runes which swept across silky ...

Her mirror showed that she was tired, and in no place to be seen in front of her father. Instead of that first part, explain more what she looks like. ...

Meet Cornelia Schmeltenburg. Cornelia is a tall, chubby girl with a boy’s... Start the second sentence with 'she'. We already know who you're talking about so her actual name is ...

I know that a lot of people wouldn't like this on account of the gore and violence, but in my opinion it was a work of art. Even if it ...

SLAM! She closed the door with the sound of her door smashing into the frame. I think this is worded weirdly. I'd say: 'SLAM! She threw the door closed, smashing ...

Alright, let's get started, shall we? There were two pillows and three throw pillows stacked neatly on top of each other. Why did you separate the pillows into groups? Are ...

I know that JFW1415 already gave you a great critique, but I don't want to take the time to read it. So if I get some of the same things ...

The wolf’s ears pricked slightly, as low rustle could be heard in the near by bushes. You don't need the comma after slightly. Just ditch it. The wolf had sensed ...