This is the prologue to my new novel. The actual story is set 320 years after this, but information from here is important, and more is told during the story.
The glittering stones captivated my gaze. I had been staring for minutes. Mother told me not to stare, that it was rude, but come on, it was an object. How could staring at an object be rude? I heard a groan in the distance, the horrible moaning sending a shiver down my spine. This wasn’t just any object. It was the Gate; the reason we were at war and the cause of weakness, even death.
The Gate was stunning. So tall that it would be impossible to climb, and so wide you couldn’t see the end. Sometimes I wondered if there was an end, or if it just went on forever. There was an emerald knocker, but it was just for show. You couldn’t knock on the gate. The other side was another world.
Thousands of jewels were inlaid around the edge. Diamonds, rubies, sapphires, lapis lazuli, opals and garnets, as well as ones I couldn’t name. The door, which had always been firmly shut, was open a little, just a crack. I wasn’t supposed to go through. The one thing my mother had stressed for the past months was never going through the gate, because if I were to get trapped on the other side, bad things would happen.
I knew I shouldn’t. I had told my mother I wouldn’t, but in a snap decision, I slipped through the crack and into Nydia.
It wasn’t beautiful, or at least, I don’t think it was. I never got to see it properly, although I could smell burning tar. As soon as I entered, two guards thrust a coarse sack over my head and threw me onto a cart, which began moving underneath me, jiggling and making my stomach twirl. I screamed with fear, but I just got kicked in the leg.
The next thing I remember is waking up in a cell. Instead of my green dress, I was wearing what appeared to be a large sack. The room was small and gray, with a little bed that had a flimsy blanket and thin pillow, and an old, rotting toilet. There were bars on the doors, just wide enough apart that I could see the guard’s feet when he walked back and forth.
I’m a prisoner of war, I thought to myself. Oh God, what will happen to Mother when she finds out? And- and what about me? What about when the gate closes? What will happen then?
I lay on my bed, my legs drawn up against my stomach. I moaned, but that just made a guard bang a stick on the gates of my cell. I closed my eyes and tried to forget what was happening, and I fell asleep. When I woke up, there was a tray with a bowl of soup and watery tea on it. Realizing how hungry I was, I grabbed the bowl and slurped it down, then drank the tea in large gulps. But afterwards, instead of feeling full and satisfied, I yearned for more.
Weeks passed, and I was allowed out of my cell only once, and that was so I could scrub the entire prison with a toothbrush. Luckily, it wasn’t only me, but the other prisoners were hardly kind to me. Only one other person was from Salianne, a soldier captured while creeping over to enemy lines. The rest were Nydian prisoners, and even though they had committed horrendous crimes, they turned their noses up at me.
A few times each day a guard would lead me into a small room, where men smiled wickedly, their mouths twisted into horrible grins. I tried to run, but a man with a hair arm just knocked me back. I fell to the floor and pain shot up my back, forcing me to bite my lip so hard that I drew blood.
They took turns in kicking me and laughing at me until they got tired. I hobbled back to my cell, purple bruises forming all over my body.
The war ended a few months afterwards. Salianne won, somehow, but that didn’t stop me hating the curiosity that brought me over here. I mean, what use was winning the war when I was stuck here? I wondered what my family was doing while I waited for the gate to be sealed, and for me to die. Mother would have known by now, it had been ages. I didn’t even know how long, you lose track of time in prison. She would be struggling with the children by herself. Was Father killed in the war? I bet he was; most soldiers were. The war only ended because of a treaty the Kings made.
I wanted to die, I was miserable and lonely. But I didn’t. The day the gate was closed, the guards were cruel to everybody, even the prisoners from Nydia.
But why didn’t I die? I was supposed to die when the gate was closed, but here I was, alive and well. Okay, not well, but alive.
Finally, it was explained to me: There was a magic in the cell that kept me alive. I wouldn’t die unless I got out of prison, and apparently that was impossible. So I was stuck in this place for the rest of time, alone and miserable. From that day on, I tried harder than ever to get out- because I knew that they would have endless fun with me, the little girl from Salianne.
Feedback Questions:
1. Do you think it's to short/quick?
2. What do you think of the description? Do I need more?
3. Are you going to read chapter one?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Hey Choco! Sorry this took me so long, I kinda forgot. >.<
But! Better late than never, right?
I don't like the presence of "come on" there. It bugs me and doesn't really sit with the tone of the rest of your piece. I recommend getting rid of it.
A bit of inconsistency here -- you capitalised "gate" before, but now it's lowercase? Odd.
*Random note* Looking into describing the Gate a bit more might help -- some more description about the surroundings, what the character is feeling, etc, might be a good idea. Just a suggestion.
And yeah, showing versus telling -- I'm kind of bored while reading this. Where's the fun in being told that your character now has a bag over their head? Where's the emotion? I assume they'd be panicking. You need to put in description of that kind of thing -- what's going trhough their mind?
Thoughts are always in italics.
*scans the rest* Honestly? Boring. There's hardly any emotion here. What's going through your character's head? They're a prisoner of war, why aren't they panicking? Are they planning ways to escape? You briefly touch on their thoughts, but you never really get into the juicy stuff. I recommend adding in more emotion so that this will *really* hook your reader.
1. Yes. It needs to be longer, with more emotion.
2. Definitely. Sensory and emotion. I feel like a broken record. xD
3. Yes, but only because you asked me to.
PM me if you have any questions! Apologies if this feels rushed. ^^
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
Very Interesting.
Feedback Questions:
1. Do you think it's to short/quick?
2. What do you think of the description? Do I need more?
3. Would you read chapter 1 when I post it?
-I think the length is fine.
-Good descriptions, better than most I've read around the forums. However, the infusion of some colorful words would add some icing to the cake.
-Yes. Please PM me.
I personally think it was a little too short and two dimensional. A little more description on your part would help make it a little more three dimensional. Also, I like how you're not afraid to mention your character being raped. Words have power, and the moment I read that one word the seriousness of your character's situation really sunk in. Don't be afraid to write more about things like that, it'll help make all your writing three dimensional.
OK, so you asked me for a critique and here I am! Now, it won't be in-depth as so many other people have pointed out the major and some of the minor faults that there is no point in me repeating them. Instead, I will just give you some points of advice and my general opinion.
- Characters: I feel very little for your MC which is not a good sign. For me to want to read this I need to be absorbed in her story and I need to empathise with her; which I don't at all. The only way of making the reader empathise is............
-Description/Emotion: .....to add more of this. As it stands, you start off well, with some nice description of jewels etc and then suddenly it's like you are rushing to post the thing so you don't have to think about it anymore. The way I think you could think of this, so that you get all the description in, is as a TV drama. What I mean by this is that you have to play it through your mind, scene by scene and just write down everything you see. Then, jazz it up with some of your great writing techniques and slot it into your story. That way we know more of what you can see in your mind when you write this. Remember: Sight, smells, sounds, touch, taste.
As to emotion, you have to think of yourself in that position. If you were kidnapped I'm sure you would not be so...blase about it. Fill your story with her thoughts and emotions; the beating of her heart, her tears burning her cheeks etc.
-Plot: It's a bit all over the place. Sometimes you info-dump, sometimes the reader is left wondering what's going on. You need to structure things more and don't just jump from one main point to another. One second she's kidnapped, the next she's raped and suddenly the 'war' is over. We need fillers, we need to see and not be told and we need to feel.
1) I do think that it is all a bit quick and too sudden. Don't be afraid to bulk it up and perhaps turn it into two parts.
2) As I have already said...YES!!!! Please put in more description because us readers would love you for it!!
3) I'm off to read it now.....
Overall, you need to work on this. I like the idea of gates and two worlds and although it's been done before I'm still intrigued to see where this is going. I like your writing Rosie and you have potential, just don't feel like you have to rush your posts.
Keep writing!
Alainna
xx
Hello! I only skimmed the other peoples' reviews, so I might repeat stuff... but please find it in your heart to forgive me.
Eh... I would keep it in the first person (I, mine, etc), if I were you, rather than switching to second (you, yours, etc) at the end there.-Nitpicks-
You should either delete the "had," or change the "there was" to "it." I don't know if that makes sense... why don't I show you? Either "There was an emerald knocker, just for show." or "It had an emerald knocker, just for show."
Again, I say you should stick to the first person.
The period after "jewels" should be a colon, methinks.
Either you should say something like "...up and down the sandy lane," or just "...back and forth."
I would put thoughts in italics, rather than quotes...
I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say here... either "The rest were Nydian prisoners, and even THOUGH they had committed horrendous crimes, they turned their noses up at me." or "The rest were Nydian prisoners, and even they had committed horrendous crimes. They turned their noses up at me."
I agree with Runawaythoughts: you mention this too lightly. Either get rid of it completely, or elaborate... you don't have to elaborate with physical details, but rather emotion.
And then, a bit later...How much time actually passed?
"father" should be uppercase, because you're using it like a proper noun, or name... if you said "my father" then it could be lowercase because it's just a normal noun.
I think that comma should be a semi-colon.
This would be more powerful if you punctuated it more like this: "I wanted to die; I was miserable and lonely. But I didn’t."
The period after "me" should be a colon, methinks.
_________________________
1. Do you think it's to short/quick? Yes. In a way, I liked it, because it makes it seem like a distant memory that the narrator/MC can only barely remember, but in a way a don't like it at all. Try stretching it out with imagery and emotion -- even if she doesn't remember the events clearly, she would still remember how she felt and where she was, and how long she was there, and what it looked like, and, and, and...
2. What do you think of the description? Do I need more? Yep. *pokes answer to question #1 * you could definitely use more description... and not only visual--I would like to know more about how it smells, feels, sounds, even how the food tastes. I want to have something in my mind -- some mental picture. Of course, don't go crazy with it if you don't want to. The main thing that you should describe is emotion. If you show us her emotions, we will understand her more, relate to her more, and that will help a lot with the fact that she's cardboard right now (as Wolf said).
3. Would you read chapter 1 when I post it? Well, because you asked me to, I will. But I'm not sure if I would have otherwise, just because (unlike JCobsessed) I feel like there is nothing original about this piece -- nothing unique to make me love it. If you spice up your MC's character a bit, and make us love/hate her (whichever is your intention) then there will be something to grab us and make us eager to read on.
Oh, and one minor problem I noticed: the only thing you really say about Nydia is that it smells like tar. Wouldn't she be able to smell that from the other side of the gate? Even if it's really high, I would think that she'd be able to smell the tar.
PM me if you have any questions/comments concerning my critique!
Hope this helps.
~Azila~
I think this should be one sentence.
This would be more dramatic if you used a bigger pause here. Like, it was the Gate- the reason we were at war and cause of weakness. Or if you don't like dashes, a colon or semi-colon would probably do the job just as well.
First of all, you don't knock on a knocker anyways, second, you already stated that it was just for show, so you don't need this sentence.
This sentence seems weird to me. You say 'I' too many times, I think. You could change it to something like,
"I screamed with fear, but was kicked in the leg." or
"I screamed with fear, but was only kicked in the leg."
1. I think that you started out at a nice pace, but once she got in the jail, a lot of character development opportunities were passed up, and it just got way too quick. For example, the rape scene should definently be shown, just because it will give us sympathy for the MC, and give you a chance to show some of her emotions. Also, you should show the others giving her a hard time, calling her names, and saying things. Those were things better shown, than told.
2. See above statement.
3. Yes, I think I will read chapter one. I'm not normally one for fantasy, but this rings origionalty. However when the dragons and elves come in to save her, I'm gonna have some problems. ;P
_______________________________________
I think you did a good job introducing an origional idea for a fantasy story. I haven't read fantasy since I wrote it, thinking it was all the same, but you've proved me wrong, congratulations.
I would definently encourage you to continue with this, and I'll continue reading.
Keep up the good work,
-JC
I think it is way to short, personally.
Alot of people added some good things, but some things i think there should be fixed/added into the story are: How do Salianne's differ from Nydian? Are Nydian's taller? darker? Do they speak another language? Who explains why she didnt die? and why, if everyone hates her. you could simply add the smells people have, or the cell's smell itslelf for more discripton.
A little late, but better late than never.
Don't use the word "drawn" if he's been staring at them for a while. This is because drawn indicates action, when in fact he is passive.
The paragraph doesn't seem to be well thought out. You jump from staring at something to being told that staring is bad, to the gate, to the conflict around the gate. It is better to just focus on just one of these things. This is a case of spreading yourself too thin. Take your time to introduce the story right.
The descriptions here are very vague. How tall and how wide exactly? How does this translate to the gate being beautiful? You've only said it's big, not that it's beautiful.
More ideas thinly spread. I think it is time to stop this now. You're way too excited. Calm down some, then write. Make sure your paragraph has one subject, each sentence has one idea that supports the subject and take it from there.
alright, here it goes. i think it was jsut right with its length and description of teh characters and all such rot. it had a few errors here adn there, but nothing worth mentioning. mostly cuz everyone else already told you. i liked it and would definetly read the first chapter. i think this story has great potential and i think you should keep writing.
Back!!!
this is in present tense...... choose the point of view as i have already stressed
1rst off, make the guards more menacing, so far we could think they are three year olds with nasty mouths. Description and give a reason why she cant escape when they try to enter. (Last part actually isnt the best advice scratch that.)
2nd. But they rape me. COME ON NO ONE TALKS THAT FLATLY ABOUT RAPE! Put some emotion in her voice, spice it up a bit, you know make it seem more realistic then, "Oh.... you know... no big deal... they rape me. Now moving on." NO!!! Make her cry out her heart, let us know how she feels for all your giving us she could be loving every second of it.
That all for now. Oh and to answer your questions honestly
1) I thought it was a little short but prologues vary from 24 pages to a short poem soooo not a good question, maybe if this was chapter one
2) I already said my stand on your details
3) Yes if you post chapter one I AM going to read it, and hopefully see some improvement
1rst off you need to work on voice. You need to choose a time period, or create one, and make your characters thoughts reflect that.
2nd, Details Darling! You have very descriptive parts but others arent quite as strong, perhaps even labeled weak.
Now its time for the quotes.
get rid of had. It makes the sentence not work, maybe it just sneaked in there though
was open a little..... not good choice of words, try something that makes the reader think, your open a little and what i think a little is could be very different things.
Here we see you switch point of views, stay with present or future. wasn't and don't don't work together. Check the rest of it too for more errors.
Well thats all i got on this read through.... going back to read it again though. MWHAHAHAHA im going to catch as many mistakes as i can
Eek. This seemed to be a little rushed. While it was good in many parts like the early description of the Gate it would go way too fast after 'slipping through'. You start off slow and seemingly collected, this pace is what I am used to and just as I get settled into it, everything starts to rush ahead. Before I know it we are getting thrown into a cell and to be abused. Yay. Was just itching for that character development part too. Now it sounds like it is going to be a miserable story of suffering and escape rather then a story about a war and how people are affected.
I'm here, as promised!
... but since I'm short on time, I didn't read everyone else's critiques. So I may repeat things -- but you'll be getting my fabulous opinions as a first-time reader! XD
Hm... not sure how I feel about this as an opening sentence, really. It seems like telling rather than showing -- even though this is still telling, I think it would sound better as: I couldn't look away from the glittering stones. Or something. But that'd still be telling...
You could try inferring that your eyes were drawn to the stones, for example: Sunlight glittered on the stones; they were blindingly bright, but I could not look away.
... okay, that was a terrible example, but... *racks her brains for some lame form of self-dense*
This is all telling. That little bit at the beginning, you could get away with, but this -- nope, 'fraid not. It isn't really interesting to read and I think a lot of this could be inferred/shown.
Ack! Yet more telling. I think you should use some interesting figurative language (exotic adjectives, metaphors, similes) to show us that it's beautiful, instead of just saying it outright.
I think you should make the first sentence '... so wide you couldn't see where it ended.' and then the second sentence 'Sometimes, I wondered if there even was an end, or if it just went on forever.'
More telling...
A little voice is telling me that 'beautiful' should be in italics, but it's up to you.
Toilets rot?!
I think 'when he walked back and forth' would be better, since 'up and down' gives the impression that he's actually rising up and off the ground.
Shouldn't her thoughts be in italics?
Comma after 'up'.
This seems completely rushed, somehow. I think you would benefit from slowing down here and maybe showing us what happened to her, as in maybe having a scene where she's being beaten.
Comma after 'Finally'.
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Feedback Questions:
1. Do you think it's to short/quick?
Unfortunately, yes. The whole piece is rushed and boring to read, to be frank, and it just doesn't seem realistic. As a fantasy writer, it's your job to make impossible things seem believable -- and to make them entertaining and exhilirating to read about.
I think you'd do well to add scenes that would SHOW the reader certain events, such as her being beaten and the war being won. You could have a scene where the narrator overhears a guard telling his comrade angrily that they lost the war; a scene where they whip her. You know?
That leads me to my next point ----> character development. We have no idea who she is and she's very flat: no personality, no emotion. She's cardboard. Characters are just like people. What I do when I am struggling to develop a character and integrate their personality into my writing, I think of this: what would I do in this situation? What would I think? And then, once I've answered that, I adjust it to fit the character's personality.
2. What do you think of the description? Do I need more?
Again, yes. There isn't enough imagery here for a rich, satisfying mental image -- it's only a few weak adjectives scattered randomly through the piece. Barely enough to visualize the events of the story; definitely not enough for a clear, engaging image.
You have only adjectives, and most of them tell (rather than show). You would benefit, I think, from trying out metaphors & similes, and maybe some sensual description? As in, using the five senses for imagery.
3. Would you read chapter 1 when I post it?
Eh... maybe. I might. I would if you asked me to, but otherwise? I'm not sure.
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Sorry for being so blunt and harsh -- I would try to soften the blows and be more helpful -- but I'm really short on time (I'm grounded, as you know).
Hope this helped somewhat!
Keep writing,
Camille xx
I'm here, as promised!
... but since I'm short on time, I didn't read everyone else's critiques. So I may repeat things -- but you'll be getting my fabulous opinions as a first-time reader! XD
Hm... not sure how I feel about this as an opening sentence, really. It seems like telling rather than showing -- even though this is still telling, I think it would sound better as: I couldn't look away from the glittering stones. Or something. But that'd still be telling...
You could try inferring that your eyes were drawn to the stones, for example: Sunlight glittered on the stones; they were blindingly bright, but I could not look away.
... okay, that was a terrible example, but... *racks her brains for some lame form of self-dense*
This is all telling. That little bit at the beginning, you could get away with, but this -- nope, 'fraid not. It isn't really interesting to read and I think a lot of this could be inferred/shown.
Ack! Yet more telling. I think you should use some interesting figurative language (exotic adjectives, metaphors, similes) to show us that it's beautiful, instead of just saying it outright.
I think you should make the first sentence '... so wide you couldn't see where it ended.' and then the second sentence 'Sometimes, I wondered if there even was an end, or if it just went on forever.'
More telling...
A little voice is telling me that 'beautiful' should be in italics, but it's up to you.
Toilets rot?!
I think 'when he walked back and forth' would be better, since 'up and down' gives the impression that he's actually rising up and off the ground.
Shouldn't her thoughts be in italics?
Comma after 'up'.
This seems completely rushed, somehow. I think you would benefit from slowing down here and maybe showing us what happened to her, as in maybe having a scene where she's being beaten.
Comma after 'Finally'.
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Feedback Questions:
1. Do you think it's to short/quick?
Unfortunately, yes. The whole piece is rushed and boring to read, to be frank, and it just doesn't seem realistic. As a fantasy writer, it's your job to make impossible things seem believable -- and to make them entertaining and exhilirating to read about.
I think you'd do well to add scenes that would SHOW the reader certain events, such as her being beaten and the war being won. You could have a scene where the narrator overhears a guard telling his comrade angrily that they lost the war; a scene where they whip her. You know?
That leads me to my next point ----> character development. We have no idea who she is and she's very flat: no personality, no emotion. She's cardboard. Characters are just like people. What I do when I am struggling to develop a character and integrate their personality into my writing, I think of this: what would I do in this situation? What would I think? And then, once I've answered that, I adjust it to fit the character's personality.
2. What do you think of the description? Do I need more?
Again, yes. There isn't enough imagery here for a rich, satisfying mental image -- it's only a few weak adjectives scattered randomly through the piece. Barely enough to visualize
3. Would you read chapter 1 when I post it?
Good job, I liked it. It moved well and it was very disciptive. It caught my attention which is what you want a prologue to do.
You want to catch teh readers attention which is what you did for me. Especially in the last paragraph. You made me wonder what is going to happen to her. If she stays put will she live forever? Who put the majic there?
Good job!!!!
1. I think it's a little short, but it's good for how long it is.
2. You're describtion needs some work, but other than that it's alright.
3. I might read chapter one just to see what you come up with.
1. Do you think it's to short/quick?
No, I think it's just right.
2. What do you think of the description? Do I need more?
No, that's good too. It leaves room for imagination.
3. Would you read chapter 1 when I post it?
I can't promise anything, because the plot doesn't really intrigue me all that much. I'm sorry to say that.
I know that JFW1415 already gave you a great critique, but I don't want to take the time to read it. So if I get some of the same things JFW1415 did its coincidence. Besides, having two opinions on the same thing isn't bad, is it? The reviews of everyone else were short enough to read, so I'll try not to repeat them.
This isn't a big thing, but this sentence would be better if you ditched the 'it' at the end.
This isn't a question, so change the question mark into a period.
This didn't flow right with me and you spelled 'gray' as 'grey'. Rephrase it as so: The room was small and gray. It was empty except for a rotting toilet in the corner and little bed with a flimsy blanket and pillow.'
'Up and down' doesn't sound right. Just say 'when he walked by.'
What? After all that worrying, why would she suddenly fall asleep? Make it take longer and describe things more. This will make it better.
Once again, not enough of a time gap. Figure out how to lengthen it.
Get rid of the first 'and' and replace it with a comma.
Ooh that's a creepy ending. Sounds like a great start to a story, and, like the others said, it went along too fast. Especially when you said the war was over. I gave a few other examples of your less serious time jumps and hope they help you out.
I liked this story, so I hope you add more. Keep it up.
All those jewels, you went into that much detail to name them, (and lapis is actually shoddy by most accounts), it seems imbalanced. Your language is way off for an old-world story, your prose is just really too modern and too passive. I don't really feel anything for the girl at all, you've never really given us anything more then an info drop and a 'boo-hoo' part of she's a prisoner.
Might want to change that last line, it sounds like she is just going to be abused in a certain way, over and over again. Which is probably something you really shouldn't use as the last line of your introduction to a story, unless it is about that sort of thing. Yaoi fic anyone?
Here you go! The promised critique.
I agree with KJ. For how much you have happening, this is far too short. You have about two pages here, but it should be at least four or five. It's really more of a skeleton of what I would make the prologue and maybe even the first chapter.
We need to know who this girl is and some details about the world she is in. Since it is in first person, giving us her name isn't essential. I once read a first person novel that didn't give the narrators name for about fifty pages and it worked just fine. But we should know where she is from right from the start, not in the very lst sentence. Information that establishes setting should be some of the first things we read. Give us some idea wsho this girl is and her relationship with her mother so we will worry when she thinks of how her mother will feel. And what is the difference between the people from Nydia and Salianna? Even if you don't tell us outright, give us clues and a general idea. (which are good names, by the way, They sound fantasy without being too foreign)
Before you do any revisions on this, try doing some world building. Write up profiles of the characters and the two types of people. Maybe even draw a picture of the gates.
And if the gates are that important to the story, there is nothing wrong with your title.
What time does this take place in? The language your main character uses makes me feel as if it's 2008. You use "okay" a lot, and "come on". If it doesn't take place in present day, which it seems as if it isn't, then you need to change that.
It may be just me, but I think that this all started out too fast. She was behind the gate, then going through, then getting captured, then the war ending, and about to be a torture-victim, all in just a few shot paragraphs. I don't usually say this, but you need to drag it out a bit. Tell us something about your main character, and exaggerate her curiosity more.
Why is she in a sack when she awakens? Why isn't she dead when the gate closes? Why does she even leave safety in the first place?
These are the few things that I believe need to be answered for this story to work out.