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Young Writers Society



The New World

by winie603


Chapter One: The Move

Bella laid on her gorgeous bed, of colors violet, bright green and blue. There were two pillows and three throw pillows stacked neatly on top of each other. Bella was turning eleven years old very soon and still Laura was sitting on that bed of hers. Laura is Bella’s doll. The doll is quite small, actually. She has golden hair, exactly like her mother’s and wearing a school dress.

Bella had been thinking about how great it is to be in a wealthy family. Her father owned a dairy farm, a tobacco port, a garden of fruits and vegetables, and an orchard filled with apple trees. Her mother ran a rather large shop in selling woman’s dresses, hats, shoes, gloves, fans and buttons. All in the latest fashions.

Bella certainly loved being rich. She loved the huge mansion she lived in, she loved all the servants, she loved the privet school she attended and all the tutor lessons she had been taught. Bella loved her horse Wilma, and her mother teaching her how to ride. Most Bella loved was the spectacular parties her mother planned with all her friends from the sewing society, and the horse-back riding club, and the Young Woman’s Right’s Club. Bella’s mother also joined the gardening society, which she particularly liked the best.

Just last year, when she had turned ten years old Bella’s mother made the very best party Bella ever had. Through all the Christmas parties, and New Year parties. The Easter celebrations, and the Halloween feast, Bella had to admit her tenth birthday party was the best she ever had. Her mother had made a beautiful dress, white and red with fake roses on them. The cook had served her favorite foods. Pecan pie, apple pie, pumpkin pie, corn bread, jonnie cakes and apple sauce were only the dessert menu!

All evening the fireworks were in the sky. Bella had looked at them for at least an hour. She still remembers how beautiful they are. Bella’s three best friends were guests, and so were a hundred other people, most of them that Bella never saw before in her life. She had received forty or so gifts, but only three of them she liked. Her father’s present, was a horse named Wilma. From her friend, Sophia, Bella received a set of a bracelet, earring and a necklace. And her most favorite gift was a doll house she had gotten from her Grandmother. The doll house was large and beautiful. Filled with furniture, windows, doors, and general items. Bella named the doll house, 57th Street, Wilson’s Place. Laura now lived there.

Bella loved many things. She loved her family too. Her father, mother, younger sister named Annie who was the age of six, and her older brother James, who was already nineteen years old and working. She loved all her friends, Sophia, Elsie, and Maria. Bella loved her beautiful dresses she wore every day, from either her mother who was known as the town’s best dress maker or from Betty’s Dresses, a dress store her mother approved of very strongly.

Bella had only one more thing she loved, her country. Bella loved England the moment she was born. The culture, the cities and foods. The performances in the streets and all the amazing buildings. The people who greet her every morning. Bella could never imagine leaving England. Perhaps when she grew to be James’s age she could move to another city, or if she decided, maybe to the country side. But never leave England.

Bella’s mother appeared at the foot of her bed room. She was wearing riding boots, thick pants, a helmet over her wavy, gold hair and a fancy collar jacket. “I’m going riding out in the orchards. Would you like to come? I won’t teach you or anything. Just a slow and steady ride through the orchards.” her mother asked.

Bella stood up from her bed and answered “Of course! I haven’t gone riding on Wilma in at least a week. I’ll just change as quickly as I can.” she ran all over her room looking for her riding clothes. Her mother laughed “Bell, you know you’re going to have to act more mature when you turn eleven. Remember I’m going to make a better birthday party then last year!”

“Oh, yes! I completely forgot. My birthday is only three weeks away! Remember that I don’t want too many guest this year. Just grandparents, Uncle Bernard, Sophia, Elsie and Maria. You can invite your friends too though. I just don’t want over a hundred people like last year” Bella pointed out. “Oh, I’ve already invited thirty people. And you forgot to say Aunt Monica. I invited Chelsea too. I suppose she’s a friend of yours”

“Aunt Monica! Do you really have too? She says I have unacceptable manners and should know how to win a game of chess. I hate chess! But Chelsea is a friend, we play with each other often. Yes, she may come” Bella insisted. “Aunt Monica must come Bell. She is your relative. Now, get ready. I’ll be waiting for you outside” her mother left Bella’s bed room and walked down the steps.

She opened all her wardrobes and took out a fresh pair of riding pants. Opened a closet and brought out boots. She quickly pulled on a clean ruffled shirt. Her helmet was stored in Wilma’s shed. She ran down stairs and hurried through the dozens of rooms. When Bella reached the kitchen she stopped and asked to the cook “Mrs. Barrington, what are we going to have for supper?” “Chican soup, pasta, Greek salad, and pumpkin pie for dessert” she said proudly. “Sounds great!” Bella rushed outside and found her mother sitting on the bench her father had engraved to say “Wilson”, her family’s last name.

“Hello, dear. I’m just thinking about your party. It will be really the best you’ve ever had. I’ve already made your dress, and given the recipes for the foods to Mrs. Barrington. The decorations have been all ready from my Horse-Riding Club. The servants will be cleaning the house until we see ourselves everywhere we walk. My friends at the Gardening Society gave me beautiful fireworks. The only problem left is your gift. I really have no clue what to give you” she said sighing.

Her mother leaped on her horse. “I brought Wilma out for you, save you time”. Bella got on Wilma and settled herself in. “Thanks. And by the way, if you give me a rock, I’ll still love it just because it’s from you” Bella lied. Her mother had even noticed she lied. Anyone would know that Bella lied from this sentence. Everyone knows how much Bella loves being rich. Getting a rock from her mother would make her angry, and out of words.

Her mother started moving and they rided until Mrs. Barrington called for supper. The ride had been very quiet and peaceful. Bella talked about five words, when her mother talked none. “Mother, are we going to live in England until we die?” Bella asked when they reached the mansion, that they called they’re house. “Well, I’m not sure. Anything can happen at any time, but I am almost certain we will not be leaving this country. And I love it just as much as you do” she hugged Bella.

They sat at the large table filled with bowls and plates of food. “Will father be here for supper?” Bella asked her mother. “Yes, he only went to meet a friend. I suppose he’ll be here in any minute.” Bella started eating her soup, and thought about how father wouldn’t be at the house until supper was all over. He didn’t eat with Bella and her mother very much, and this was just another normal day.

“Bella your history lessons will be starting in any moment now. I suggest you to get ready.” her mother said. Bella did not want to go to her class, and this is the first time she didn’t want too. She felt uneasy. Was she changing? Did she not want to be pampered with beautiful dresses, lessons from tutors, and living in a humongous house? No, no she was just feeling a bit tired, that’s all. “Mother, could I skip my class just this one time? I’m feeling a bit- a bit sleepy” Bella yawned out her last word.

“It’s only four o’clock in the afternoon! You will be going to your history lesson, and after that remember that book club is today. I hope you’ve read the whole book by now. You had three days. And when evening comes I reserved your father and I to dine at a very nice restaurant. Mr. Donald will be caring for you, I asked him to take you to a tour through your house. You really don’t know much, and our ancestors lived here. It’ll help with your history lesson.

I don’t want you to wander around at night, remember that. Your father and I will be coming late home, and we want to see you in bed. There is no time to play in the garden or creek in the entire day, so please don’t. You have all of Sunday to do that. I am now going to my bed room to sew-” her mother’s sentence nether did finish. She pointed out the window.

“Look! Your father is here! Go out and greet him. Tell him his supper is waiting” Bella’s mother pushed her, and Bella ran out. He rode in a horse carriage, with a driver. He was in the back seat smiling and waving at Bella.

She ran and hugged him, even though she was angry at him for being late, again, she really was happy to see him. “Father! Your finally here! Mother told me to tell you that your supper is waiting inside.” she raced her words so she could have time to say more. “I’m happy to see you too darling. How is your mother doing? Was she all right with me leaving for an entire day? I really do hope so.” he asked.

Bella’s excitement shrunk, until it was gone. She thought that her father had only wanted to come home to see mother, and not her, or Annie. “Oh, yes and she’s doing fine” Bella sighed, “ You can come home now you know!” she laughed. He nodded “Ah yes, I’m sorry that I will have to tell you a large, but unfortunate bit of news to you.” Bella’s father told her. Bella nodded, “All right, what is it?”

“I’m going to have to leave to the-the United States, in America, for a whole week. I’m so sorry Bella. Your mother is going to have to leave with me too though, she can’t stand an entire week without me. But you’ll be in good hands with Grandmother and all the servants. Annie will stay with you too” her father bickered the words out quickly. Bella certainly did not want to cry, but tears were already trembling in her eyes.

Bella hated crying in front of her father. It makes her think how weak and puny she is, compared to her tall and strong father. “Why? Why are you leav-v-ving” she asked, trying to control her tears. “A man of the name Thomas Jefferson invited me to the country’s government. I’m not going to move there, certainly not. I’m just going to tell them no, it’s much better in person then in letter. Your mother and I will even buy an American style doll for you” he added, thinking that’d make Bella happier.

She nodded, “I understand.” she couldn’t control anymore. Soon, tears were marching down her face like little soldiers. Pouring, for another word. She left him and ran to the garden. She loved sitting on the bench, and looking at the amazing flowers. The creek was quiet and all the birds weren’t singing anymore. Bella didn’t care she was going to miss her history lesson, all she cared about was her father’s news.

Bella thought, and thought until her brain was worked out. She came out with the conclusion that she couldn’t be 3,000 miles away from her parents for a whole week. She’d just go crazy, she needed her mother to tell her what to do and her father comfort her. Bella would have to go with them. Even though she loved England, she could leave for just a week. A week isn’t really too much, when you think about it.

Bella stood up from the bench, and at that exact moment Mr. Donald walked to ward’s her. He stopped until his nose was almost touching hers. “You have missed your history lesson and your book club meeting. I am afraid that you will have to be punished. Tomorrow you will be preparing dinner with Mrs. Barrington. If you continue to behave badly, I will send the three other servants, to watch you. Bella’s stomach grumbled to hear that feeling. Mrs. Barrington, Mr. Donald, Ms. Smith, Mrs. Hollen, and Mr. Henry all watching her, making sure she wouldn’t make any mistake at all.

“All right. Anyway, mother told me you’d take me on a tour or something.” she bickered out. “Ah, yes you are right. I will be taking you to the attic this evening for a tour of all the antique items in this mansion, and ancestors of yours. You know, this house was owned by your family for more then two hundred years?” he said, gasping, like it was a miracle or something.

“Whatever. Just take me there. And I don’t suppose I’ll be going with these rusty clothes, I‘ve been sitting here for hours. I’m going to take a hot shower right away. If you don’t mind, prepare the bath for me. And take my clothes out. And please do not say no, you don’t want father telling you, or do you?” Bella smirked. Bella was certainly spoiled. Even though sometimes she could be very normal, and on occasions kind, she had a feeling deep inside right at that moment she needed to be bad.

“Young girl! What did you say? I’m going to tell your father, all right! Tell him you need to learn your matters! Go to bed immediately! And to think I would show you jewels and antiques!” he yelled. She put her hands to her hips and laughed, “I’m not going to bed! Your taking me on that tour, or else I’ll tell father on you.”


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Points: 690
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Fri Mar 21, 2008 10:44 pm
Tim-the-Jesus-Freak wrote a review...



Interesting structure. Very logical, methodical, perhaps too repetitive, not enough variation in paragraph length? I like the tone created, it’s very continuous with little breach of the fictional dream.
Bella seems a little cliché, her character is not complex enough for my tastes, although there is some straying from her “princessy” character. Maybe a little deeper conflict or some pithy leitmotif. some urgency or problem to hurry along the story and hook the reader into the action would be good too.

But at age 10, this is exceptional work. As you get older, your work will become more meaningful and original. The flaws in your work will dissolve with experience. Keep writing; you’ll be a great writer if you continue. :)




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Sun Mar 16, 2008 3:23 am
Loose wrote a review...



Bella laid on her gorgeous bed, of colors violet, bright green and blue.


Mmm, that's nice. **yawn**

Ever heard of the "uh oh factor"? It's a special little feature that makes a first sentence enticing, and letting the reader know the story is actually worth reading. Might I suggest that when writing a first sentence you think of questions you can ask about it. (perhaps I should post tips about this on YWS, since I seem to be finding this issue everywhere). With your first sentence, what questions can someone possibly ask?

"Omg is tha bed comfy?"

There is nothing there. Try and re-write it so there are questions the reader will ask that can be answered later in the piece. Stick with the "who" "what" "where" "when" "why" for simplicity.

EDIT: Here is some advice... post320737.html#320737




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Sun Mar 16, 2008 12:16 am
Fishr wrote a review...



Congrats on accepting the challenge of Historical Fiction! This genre of literary work is most definitely not an easy or simple task to take on. By all accounts, one must totally resign themselves in researching until they know the Non-Fiction as well as Fictional characters. In addition, the write must also know the world they’re recreating and every detail that concerns it such as important events, battles, clothing style, dialects, and mindsets – every detail right down to even hairstyles.

I mention this rant because I suspect little to no research has been done for this piece of work. For starters, if you mention “Thomas Jefferson” than I’m very sorry to tell you this: You’ll have to work much harder and rise to the challenge in convincing this history buff too that the setting is indeed in the 18th Century. Also, I consider myself a self-proclaimed expert on the 18th Century, who’s area of expertise focuses on colonial lifestyle, their dialects, mindsets, the pre-Rev War years (the events that led up to the war), and colonial punishments. I’m also personally fascinated of how the technicalities that led to the Rev. War, so for that, my central researching also involves studying the French/Indian War (Seven Years’ War), the primary documents that were responsible for setting the stage, and giving a full blown civil but also a mini world war; also known as the American Revolution. See? I wasn’t kidding when I said great lengths MUST be done to achieve the world you wish to recreate. So, again, mentioning Jefferson doesn’t cut it in my personal opinion to accept this story a Historic Fiction.

However, I can suggest in some “training,” to assist you in understanding colonial America. First and foremost, learn the clothing style of the people. Breeches are a common phrase when suggesting an earlier period. (Just make sure your woman aren’t wearing them. ; ) That would be weird).

Click these links. Read the information. Hug it. Then, read the articles again. Repeat the hugging, and finally burn it all into your memory forever. :) The links concern colonial clothing for the gentleman, woman, African-Americans and even children.

http://www.history.org/history/clothing/intro/index.cfm
http://www.history.org/history/clothing ... othing.cfm (Here, look to the left side bar. Everything you ever wanted to know about clothing of the 18th Century can be found there, and more).

Learn the Northern Colonies versus the South. The two were in my personal opinion, two different countries because while the North were generally well to do people (wealthy); people with professions that society took kindly too such as merchants or lawyers. The South… Well… without going into great detail, I’ll briefly mention that the Southern Colonies marched to a entirely different beat of drums. Southerners indeed had their own substancial professions but quite a few of the population ranged from Scots, Dutch, British – and a few more nationalities I cannot remember. These groups knew hardship more than any other when compared to their Northern brethren. Farmers and tobacco traders are just a few occupations that seemed popular in the South, which is my slaves were seen more there than the North. Also, unfortunately, those who immigrated carried old disputes of land from their previous home or unconditional spouts with specific parties that may have settled near each other. For this reason, the Southern Colonists were engaging in their own private battles where often times death was assured while the Rev. War was taking place elsewhere. A good read concerning the South during the pre-Rev War years is called, “The Hornet’s Nest” by our formal President, Jimmy Carter.

So, my preaching about the North and South did have a purpose. You say your character is from England, but… I don’t see the point? There’s no inner conflict except Bella is a spoiled brat and is no doubt a Mary Sue. What I’ve presented concerning the South, men fighting with each other over something as simple as land rights is frankly more interesting to me to read about than a Sue getting whatever she wants because her mother simply has no restraints. In other words, you need a plot, and what’s presented – there isn’t conflict or a plot. It’s time to rewrite, sorry to say. If by some chance that you decide to take on the inner conflicts of the Southern Colonies, especially the Deep South, PM me because I would be overjoyed in helping someone with it. I haven’t read any work concerning the 18th Century South expect Carter’s novel.

*

As for the story, meh… It quite frankly drags on to no end. Why? As I said before, you have zilch for a plot, your setting is not concrete, and there are no conflicts within any of the characters, especially Bella who is supposed to be your centerpiece – your pride and joy… This is bad news when a reader is unable to connect with any of the characters.

I suggest on really focusing on Bella’s character. Who is she? What are her goals in life? Her fears? Her hobbies? Does Bella have a common enemy?

And please do not start a new sentence with “Bella” every time. It really drags the story down and the over-usage of the word is too redundant. You can use “she” every once and a while. ;)

Lastly, please stop telling us every detail about Bella and her life. Rather, show us.

I can’t think of anything else to say except, to tell you the truth, I was about near your age when I first got interested with the period. I was actually twelve. Who knew I’d develop such a keen (and scary) interest in it, LOL!

Cheers, and best of luck.




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Sat Mar 15, 2008 11:54 pm
winie603 says...



Thanks, I did the quiz and got a 26. Bella is a Mary Sue.




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Sat Mar 15, 2008 10:59 pm
Sam wrote a review...



Hey, winie! Welcome to YWS. ^_^

This was a really good story. Bella is such a pretty name. I really liked the way you used detail to build a proper picture of her life--very lavish, indeed. I have a few things to talk about, though, to make it even better.

DETAILS, DETAILS

There were a few things in this story that made me scratch my head a little. I wasn't sure until someone mentioned 'Thomas Jefferson' just what time period it was in--this is a bad thing, especially if you're describing a specific time period.

- Why were the women wearing pants at all? That would have been a pretty "ooh, scandal" thing back then. Instead, they would ride sidesaddle. Google it! It's pretty cool.

- If someone was going to go to America, they would probably stay for a long amount of time. Why? It took so long to get there! I read somewhere that it took about six weeks to get there and even longer on the way back. I wouldn't want to stay for just a week if I knew I was going to be cooped up on a boat for that long.

Making sure we know what time period the story is in helps your readers build a frame of reference--they'll know what's going on when you make allusions to things like the struggle for independence in America, and that sort of thing. You can do this by mentioning things that fit the time period. What are they wearing? What do they eat? What is the government like? What do they talk like? There are a lot of ways to establish a relative date without putting the date at the beginning of the story. I personally think that's cheating. :wink:

MARY SUES

Quick! Read this article that I wrote awhile ago about Mary Sues.

Got it?

Okay. Here's what I'm afraid of: I think Bella might be a Mary Sue. She's darn cute, but she's also rich and her parents love her and she has a pretty pony, blah blah blah. I actually like Bella as a character, which is weird. Usually when I see a Sue I hate her with a passion. But Bella is pretty special. :wink:

How do you counteract this? You're going to want to focus a lot more on the "My life was like this...now it's like this" aspect of the story. Her life was fabulous, and then her father leaves, and all Hell breaks loose. If you make her life extra extra bad towards the end, it'll be a lot scarier for the reader.

How do you not make it fake, though?

- Mention the change at the beginning. "Little did Bella know, she'd end up two weeks later CRYING IN THE CORNER..." Well, not really. But you know what I mean.

- Make Bella's anxiety about her parents leaving more realistic. It'll help when you mess with the dates to extend their stay (wink, wink). It'd pretty much scare the crap out of me if I really, really loved the US and then learned that my mutti and vati were going to leave. If it's okay with your mom and dad, you might want to read the book Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi. It's a really beautiful comic book about the Islamic revolution, and at the beginning of the second book, her parents tell her that she needs to leave her home to move to Austria. It's really sweet and sad and would be perfect to help you get the emotions just right.

Her anxiety would make her have a flaw, which is something that Mary Sues definitely do not have. And when it's proven to be a rational source of fear...goodness gracious! It'll be really sad.

___

Cool story, winie! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or want me to take a look at something else for you. I'd love to. ^_^




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Sat Mar 15, 2008 10:40 pm
mikedb1492 wrote a review...



Alright, let's get started, shall we?

There were two pillows and three throw pillows stacked neatly on top of each other.

Why did you separate the pillows into groups? Are they stacked in a special way?
“I’m going to have to leave to the-the United States, in America, for a whole week.

During this time period America wasn't called the United States since they were still under British rule. It was most commonly called the New World.
“Why? Why are you leav-v-ving”

This is an odd way to express stuttering. I'd suggest doing it as so: W-why? Why are you l-leaving?
Soon, tears were marching down her face like little soldiers. Pouring, for another word.

That simile was well done, but that last sentence ruined it. Just get rid of it.
And I don’t suppose I’ll be going with these rusty clothes..

Clothes can't be rusty. Use a different word to find it.
I’m going to take a hot shower right away.

Showers weren't invented yet.

For you to be writing at this level at your age is one heck of an achievement. There were a good amount of grammatical errors, but once again, great for your age.

Here are my final tips for you.
1: Make sure you do good in English class so you'll develope an even better grasp on the English language.
2: I found some logic flaws, so when writing, always ask yourself questions like "Did they have this thing back then?" or "Did they call it this back then?"
3: Read a lot, because I noticed that in some spots you didn't write in the right style. For example, towards the beginning you said 'Laura is Bella's doll'. When writing in this style, almost everything is past tense. So it should be 'Laura was Bella's doll'. You did this a few other times as well.

Overall this was pretty good. Keep it up.





On some days, my will to write disappears faster than a donut at a police station.
— Arcticus