Published December 18, 2007
Chapter 1-
" This man was reported missing three years ago." said agent Claw, "He must die... Do you understand Roy? I mean no traces at all...Dead!!!" Roy didn't care what Claw had to say, he just wanted it over with. He looked at the picture, the man didn't look dangerous, but Roy knew it was always the sweet ones that get you first. " well, why do you want me to kill a man that may not even be alive?" asked Roy. " Because, He isn't dead you idiot! Some People" Said claw while flinging spittle on the desk and on Roy. "Lay off the 'P' words until you get that spitting thing fixed." Roy said cooly. "Listen, Relax this is Me we're talking about. He's as good as dead!" "JUST KILL HIM! " Roy got to it, laughing.
"So he dose spit!" said Emma, "That would explain so much more! Thanks Roy...ROY!!!!!!" "yeah Emma?" "what are you doing???" "Ummmmm Playing with the guns?" said Roy." Stop that those are expinsve!" said Emma, "Any way the wepons YOU need are in your car you idiot!" "Okay, okay." Said Roy "Bye!" And whith that he was gone.
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139,268 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKay this is quite the start here. It's not every day you get to see someone ordering a hit quite so vehemently on a man that's already dead. I really like the very clear emotion you setup behind this scene right at the very start here. It makes it very, very clear that this man here has some sort of proper agenda against whoever this guy is and for some reason this person not only faked his death at some point but has somehow angered this other person enough for said person to only want this one dead but also to then follow up on whatever this fake death is and uncover said secret. Its certainly quite a lot of information that's delicately packed into that first bit there, it makes for a pretty great start here.
Okay..that doesn't seem like the sort of talk you get when you have actual sort of adult ordering hits on people, this seems a bit childish in terms of the whole calling the other person stupid and such...but then on the whole it is still a decently suspenseful ending. So well, there are a few issues here, namely the language there towards the end and the lack of any sort of description of a setting, but there is good groundwork here for a pretty solid start here to this story.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hated all the exclamation points. Capitalization needs work, also. Was way too short to really develop an opinion about this. But what I did read I did not like. It was too chirpy in that last paragraph, and the first one did not feel like two adults were speaking.
Everyone else got everything. The only thing I can tell you is that in this story of yours you should get rid of all the parts like the quote below.
That dot, dot, dot thing should go. I just think in this story's current situation it would flow better. It would show more urgency in the man's voice since he doesn't seam like he wants to waist any time. He seams in a hurry, so he wouldn't take pauses. Just put a single period.
In case no one else said this, every time a different person speaks a new paragraph starts. Here's an example.
This is a wrong paragraph:
"I hate you," said Bill. "I love you," said Bob.
This is a right paragraph.
"I hate you," said Bill.
"I love you," said Bob.
Other than that stuff, you didn't describe what was going on around these people at all. You didn't say what the room looked like or even if they were in a room. You didn't describe how anyone looked. All you really put in here was people talking with basic descriptions about how they say it. You definitally need to change that.
One last thing. Don't do the following:
Never use more than one exclamation point. It's unnecessary and makes the reader realize that they're reading a story and not experiencing it.
I've actually never seen someone do that before with the question marks. Only one is necessary.
"Ummmmm Playing with the guns?"Get rid of all but one of those 'm's.
Okay that's everything. Good luck with your story. (and sorry if I repeated stuff someone else already said).
!!!HI PAUL!!! Space out the dialouge pwease and you do use said and asked alot Either Mrs.Spencer or I help you out more at school!! Sorry if I's strict...just doin my job!! Hehe
"This man was reported missing three years ago," informed Agent Claw, "he must die...do you understand Roy? I mean no traces at all...dead!" Roy didn't care what Claw had to say, he just wanted it over with. He looked at the picture, the man didn't look dangerous, but Roy knew it was always the sweet ones that get you first.
"Well, why do you want me to kill a man that may not even be alive?" Roy asked.
"Because, he isn't dead you idiot! Some People" Claw [b]shouted,[/b] while flinging spit on the desk and at Roy.
"Lay off the 'P' words until you get that spitting thing fixed." Roy replied cooly. "Listen, relax this is me we're talking about. He's as good as dead!"
"JUST KILL HIM! " Roy stood up, laughing.
"So he does spit!" exclaimed Emma, "That would explain so much more! Thanks Roy...ROY!!!!!!"
"Yeah Emma?"
"What are you doing???"
"Um, playing with the guns?" Roy smiled coyly.
"Stop that those are expinsve!" demanded Emma, "Any way the wepons you need are in your car you idiot!"
"Okay, okay." Roy gave up, "Bye!" And with that he was gone.
Hmmm. This is reasonably written but it's much too short to be critiqued properly. Please try to write the whole chapter before posting on YWS so that there is enough for readers to analyse.
Current paragraph though, like I said it's not too bad but some of your grammar is out and it could be more interesting. Add more description, more characterization, work on your dialogue a bit and generally flesh it out and... well add more! Here's some suggestions for what you have currently, suggested changes in red -
"This man was reported missing three years ago," said agent Claw, "he must die. Do you understand Roy? I mean no traces at all... Dead!" Roy didn't care what Claw had to say, he just wanted it over with. He looked at the picture; the man didn't look dangerous, but Roy knew it was always the sweet ones that got you first. "Well, why do you want me to kill a man that may not even be alive?" asked Roy. "Because, he isn't dead you idiot! Some People," said claw while flinging spittle on the desk and at Roy. "Lay off the 'P' words until you get that spitting thing fixed," Roy said cooly. "Listen, Relax this is me we're talking about. He's as good as dead!" "Just kill him!"
Hope that helps a little,
Heather xx
Hey there! Nice to see you poking around the site a bit.
Well, I would love to help you out with this, but you don't have enough critiques under your belt yet! It's one of the rules of YWS that you must have a minimum of 2 critiques for every 1 piece of writing that you post. And you've posted two with only one critique. You still need three more, at the very least!
Here are a couple topics I suggest you take a good gander at:
Rules. You must read these!
A lovely wee posting guide for your benefit.
Once you've done all that, I'll come back and give you some proper help, okay? Just send me a PM and I'll get back to you ASAP!
-St. Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate