mikedb1492

Wow, that was pretty good. Great job. You descriptions were good and so were the thoughts. I usually don't like any works when it's in present tense, but I actually ...

She ran though the forest at top speed. The green, mossy plants rushed by her as out stretched branches whacked her in the face. She was running. Running as fast ...

He felt a bit nervous not knowing what was about to happen next as they continued to... Okay, the other guy caught this in a few other spots, but I'm ...

"Kill him! Kill him now!" Hawkshire squeaked. I wouldn't use squeaked. After all that serious stuff you have someone squeak out a word. It just ruins the moment. I'd say ...

Hey, welcome to YWS, but just so you know, you need to review at least 2 other people's writing before you're allowed to post your own stuff. In other words ...

The little boy was wearing a white sleepsuit and a pair of mittens, so he didn't scratch himself. The word in bold should be wouldn't. The walls were baby blue ...

Truthfully I found the beginning a little weak, but later on I began to be drawn in. Like thebadthing said, the humor of what your father did kept me interested ...

They were more excepting of what was soon to come than I was. You mean 'accepting' not 'excepting'. "Yeah, he's a keeper," I said, sighing. Just to simplify this, put ...

Wow, that was awesome. The idea itself, shape shifting and all, has been used before, but I liked how you integrated the government or whatever coming after him. Like the ...

His pursuer popped out of a dark alleyway in front of him. It was a robot. Sorry, but it's just weird to have an odd bit of information thrown in ...

Not bad, but I have to say that it was too short, and didn't really do much to inform me about your story. It was, however, written well enough for ...

You say this is the worst idea ever, but I don't think it's that bad. It's actually kind of good. Like everyone else said you have to show us instead ...

She turned to the boy. Okay. In this first paragraph, why aren't you calling him Ali? He did introduce himself last chapter so you should start using his name instead ...

“Thank you, sir,” She says. “Come with me,” She whispers to him. You don't need the 'she whispers to him' part since you'd just done so. So it should read ...

He shrugged, and pulling a few dingy dollars from his pocket replied, “Coffee, black”. What you were trying to do here needs a comma after 'and' and also after 'pocket'. ...