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Young Writers Society



Her Magic Mage Part one: just the beginning.

by myfreindsavamp


Her Magic Mage. Part one: just the beginning.

She ran though the forest at top speed. The green, mossy plants whacked her with out stretched branches as she rushed passed. She was trying to get away. Away from the monster. “Wo-!” She tripped over something or someone. She came crashing down as the a creature rushed at her.

Scars aluminated her face as she looked up into the huge green eyes the boy had inherated. She gave a huff. “You monster. Go away,” She said turning from the boy.

“No. You don’t seem to understand. The fact we are here is to protect the royal family. You. You are my only mission in life. Now come back so I can teach you more,” the boy said holding out his hand to her. She looked over and then turned back. He sat beside her and held his hand over her face. “Damigo,” He coxed. Little balls of light fluttered from around them. From the forest they came and gathered around her face. Before she knew it they had gone and she was staring into thin air. She pulled her hand up to her face and touched it. Smooth.

“How?” Was all she could manage. The boy with the pointy ears shushed her.

“Magic. I’m your mage. Please, give me my name,” He said to her. He wanted a name from her. He needed a name. He needed to be needed in this odd world. If he didn’t get one he would soon disappear form this magical world. More or less he would become the magic.

“Why should I give you a name?” She asked, pulling herself to her feet. “Mage boy,” She teased him as she started off into that amazing run again.

“I should have never taught her that,” He mumbled to himself as he took off after her. This girl was troublesome.

-

She was almost far enough away now. “Ugh,” She groaned as she was stopped once again. This was taking its toll on her. She opened her eyes to see she was being carried by the mage boy. “Let go of me!” She cried out will struggling to free herself. She was annoyed. Why did she have to be confined so often?

“You shouldn’t even be this far from camp. Now, please. Let’s try again. You’re Gamie, right? Who am I?” He asked again.

“You’re no one,” She said, still struggling against the boy’s hard grasp around her.

“Okay. That didn’t work. You know, your undergarments are showing,” He said to her and her struggle stopped immediately. She blushed deeply as she hung there over his shoulder.

“Why are you doing this to me?" She asked. "I only want to be away from this awful place. You as an elf can get away form it. You can become part of the magic I adore so much. Why, as a human do I have to die and relive a life as an animal or whatever?” She asked as she completely gave up on getting away from the boy.

“It’s said from the elders that that’s how the flow is. We die, get born, grow up and die again. It's been a fact of life before we were born. Maybe we all need a break from it though. I’d gladly trade places with you if I could. I’m not sure if it’s possible though,” he said to her as he walked along. He was taking in the beautifully sculpted forest before him. It might be the last day he lived as him. He when almost lost at the point of looking around at the individually created plants, and the flowers that burst though the moss covered ground as to add an effect that it wasn’t just something to be messing with. Life was all around him. Thriving as though nothing was holding it back. But there was one thing holding it back. Death.

“Promise me. Promise me, if we do find a way to trade places that you’ll trade me,” she said to him.

“Yes, Princess,” he answered. He walked on in silence with her.

--

“Princess,” a chilling voice called to them. They looked around, trying to figure out were it had come from. Grey crumbling rock surrounded them giving an erie chill. “Princess. Mage,” the voice called again. The elf boy stopped. There, stood in front of him a genii. He sat the princess down and let her take a look at this magic creature.

“Oh. How handsome,” She mused. Great. She had fallen under the evil creature’s spell.

“Princess, I have a proposal for you and your friend,” the structured boy said to her.

“Shoot,” she said, never taking her eyes off the boy before her.

“Trading places, right? That’s what you both wanted?” He asked.

“Yes,” the mage answered the genii boy.

“I can make that happen. Do you wish for it?” He asked.

“Yes. I wish me and my mage could trade places,” the princess answered. The elf boy had tried to stop her but he was too late.

“As you wish,” the genii said with a bow. And with those words the forest spun before bother their eyes. They fell to the forest floor unconscious.

-----

Princess Gamie-

Her eyes fluttered heavily open and she lay there in her bedding as she stared up into the lining of trees. They had returned to there camp. Everything was how it was…

Mage:

His eyes flew open as soon as he could. Had he had a nightmare? He sat up and felt he was different. He looked down and found the princess’s body below him. Wait. No! He was in the princess’s boy. He franticly got up and shoved at his own body. His green eyes turned to him. And they went wide. “Oh my g-” His self caught what she was going to say before it all came out.

“You’re dead,” he whispered to his body. That was the princess. He knew it had to be.

*Though of this as I was typing for wiseman's contest and desided while I was writting my book to-be-pulished I might as well still entertain you guys.Hope you like*


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Tue Jul 15, 2008 6:02 pm
myfreindsavamp says...



I'm still trying to work on the discripton thing but I've fixed the misstakes.




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Tue Jul 15, 2008 4:26 am
Lethero wrote a review...



The green, mossy plants rushed by her as out stretched branches whacked her in the face.


Try: The green, mossy plants whacked her with out stretched branches as she rushed passed.


Scars aluminated her face as she looked up into the huge green eyes the boy had gotten his hands onto.


You might want to reword this. It was hard to understand what you meant.


“No. You don’t seem to understand. The fact we are here is to protect the royal family. You are my only mission in life. Now come back so I can teach you more,” the boy said holding out his hand to her. She looked over and then turned back. He sat beside her and held his hand over her face. “Damigo,” He coxed.



This was taking its toll on her.


When it is possesive it does not require a apstrophe like other words.


Why, as a human do I have to die and relive a life as an animal or whatever?”


It’s been the fact of life since way before us.


Try: It's been a fact of life before we were born.


he said to her as he walked along.


If a quotation ends in a comma the word in the next sentence is lower case. It is only capitalized if the quotation ends in a period.


Your story is good so far. You need some more description and it sounds montonous and you want it to be more livid. Keep writing.

Boon the Werewolf




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Tue Jul 15, 2008 2:58 am
myfreindsavamp says...



Thanks Miked. I'll look over it.




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Tue Jul 15, 2008 2:52 am
mikedb1492 wrote a review...



She ran though the forest at top speed. The green, mossy plants rushed by her as out stretched branches whacked her in the face. She was running. Running as fast as she could.

You said she was running at the beginning, so its pointless to mention it again.
.“Wo-!” She tripped over something. She came crashing down as the object of tripping rushed at her.

First of all you need to start a new paragraph. Second, you did a real no no when you said 'the object of tripping'. It's like you gave it a title, and overall it sounds weird. I'd rephrase as so:
'Whatever thing tripped her rushed at her as she crashed down.'
“Why are you doing this to me? I only want to be away from this awful place. You as an elf can get away form it. You can become part of the magic I adore so much. Why, as a human do I have to die and relive a life as an animal or what ever?” She asked as she completely...

Wow... That was weird to read. After all those sentences you put the 'she asked' part. You did this a few other times, but it wasn't this bad. Instead put the 'she asked' part after the first question as so:

"Why are you doing this to me?" she asked. "I only want to be away from this awfual place. You..."

Other than that it was a pretty decent story. But I still have a few problems:
1) You never described the characters or surroundings. You may have said they were in a forest and said what stuff was there, but you never mentioned much about the entire area. Like you could describe them running through a clearing or some other distinctive feature.
2) You had many typos. You should read through this a few times and try to find them.

Anyway, pretty good job.





Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
— C. Northcote Parkinson