My Dad (a comic piece, read if you fancy a giggle and feel free to PM me on a Dad rant!)
I’m pretty convinced that my Dad is beginning to go through a sort of early onset of senile dementia. My Mum noticed the first symptoms, when one early morning before setting off to work he ran into each room shouting, “where are my (insert expletives here) keys? I had them five seconds ago!” Before realising that they had been in his hand the entire time.
Another example involves myself when I was off to York one weekend for my friend’s birthday. I thought I had informed my Dad, but obviously not, as one day when my Dad, brother and I were sat in the living room, my Dad declared, “So it’s just me, you and Harry this weekend then, Em?”
To which I replied, “Actually, Dad, I’m away this weekend.”
“Are you? Where are you going?”
“To York, Dad.”
“What for?”
“For Charlotte’s birthday, Dad.”
“Oh, right. When you getting back?”
“I don’t know. Maybe Sunday?” and that was the end of that conversation. Or so I thought…
The next day:
“So it’s just me, you and Harry this weekend then, Em?”
“No Dad, I’m away this weekend.”
“Are you? Where are you going?”
“To York, Dad,” this time I answered rather bemusedly, curious as to if we had actually had this conversation or whether this was a very strong example of déjà vu.
“What for?”
“For Charlotte’s birthday, Dad.”
“Oh, right. When you getting back?”
“I don’t know. Maybe Sunday?”
I thought that was the end of it and the message of me going to York had finally gotten through, but later realised I was wrong as the same conversation repeated itself yet again, scaring me slightly into thinking my Dad and I had slipped into a conversational version of Groundhog Day. Nonetheless, the next time he asked, “So it’s just me, you and Harry this weekend then, Em?” I answered, “Yes, Dad. I guess it is.”
It turned out I wasn’t the only thing he forgot. My older sister was returning home from university that weekend and she was not best pleased when she rang home from the train saying she would be at New Street Station in ten minutes, to which my Dad replied, “What? You’re coming home?” Yes, good parenting, father.
I returned from York after staying there a week longer than intended, and told my Mum about the repetitive conversation that I’d had with my Dad before I left. My Mum laughed at the typical idiocy of my father and said, “If you thought that was bad you should have heard him while you were gone. Everyday it was ‘where’s Emma, again?’ ‘When is she getting back, again?’ I don’t even know why he’s so bothered that you were away, it’s not like you have anything to do here!”
My Mum was referring to my lack of employment, as regardless of me applying to every nearby shop, restaurant, hotel and employment agency, I have yet to be assigned some sort of work. Although I find this slightly annoying based on the fact that I would like to be able to earn some money for my second year of university, I would also quite like to get out the house, as staying in all day and tidying up (but not earning anything!) is not exactly how I envisioned spending my Summer. However, I’m not the person who gets the most wound-up about this issue (although technically I should be as it’s my funds that are not increasing), it’s my Dad who gets seriously worked up over this problem.
“Have you found a job yet Em?” My Dad asks me as soon as he walks through the door, and I’m sat at my laptop scouring the Internet for employment opportunities.
“No, I’m still looking. I’m online now trying to find something.”
“Well you won’t find it sat on you’re arse. You need to be out there handing out CV’s.”
“I have done, Dad. Most places have told me just to keep checking online for vacancies, so that’s what I’m doing. I was out all yesterday and I’m going to be out all tomorrow.” Unfortunately lines like these never work, despite the truth in them. My Dad then decides to “help” me with my Internet search.
“Here you go, Emma, how about this job as a personal secretary?”
“That’s a permanent job, I’m only here for summer, and it says you need over four years experience. I have none.”
“Okay then, how about this, there’s an opening for a job as a dancer at somewhere called The Medusa. You like to dance, don’t you?”
“Dad, that’s a strip club.”
“Alright, alright! I don’t see why you can’t do this yourself anyway!”
“I was job-searching by myself! I never asked for your help!”
“Fine then I won’t help you, but don’t come crying to me when you can’t get a job just because you were to stubborn to ask your Dad for help.”
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Thanks for your input Periwinkle!
I agree with you on some of the points, specifcally a few word changes, such as 'elder' to 'older', but I think maybe you've missed the point of my piece. My Dad is not really going through senile dementia. This is a comic piece, it's just because he's a dumb oaf (bless him lol!) The side comments (such as 'conversational Groundhog Day') are used to exaggerate his idiocy, despite whether sometimes it is a bit mean. I appreciate your input, but I prefer my style because I think it exaggerates the humour, but everyone has an opinion
I have one question though, what did you mean by this:
I was indeed
Once again, thanks for your advice, I'll take it all on board and work on the flow, maybe making the sarcasm of the piece a bit clearer, but the grammar and word-choices that you suggested I am now about to change, so thanks for taking the time to point that out!
I. NITPICKS
I don’t really understand this. She uses this as an example for his illness, but then says “but obviously [I did] not”
II. SKIRTING THE ISSUE
You start out with a good premise. She thinks her dad has early onset dementia. I don’t know if you were being sarcastic and trying to portray her dad as scatterbrained, but it seems like you skirt the issue. You start out cataloguing times where he forgets things and seem to reinforce this ideal until her mother “laughs at her dad’s idiocy” and then you move on into random rambling about how her parents are trying to get her to find her job and how difficult it is to find one and how she wants money. I think you need to stick to something or somehow blend the two topics together to make your story flow better and seem better put together.
III. DAD, DAD, DAD
This isn’t so much as a problem as annoying. Whenever she talks to her dad she says “dad” over-and-over again. When I talk to my dad and I’m alone with him I never say “Dad (yada yada yada)” because he knows I’m talking to him so there’s really no point of me saying his name over and over.
IV. OVERALL IMPRESSION
I’m a bit confused on what this piece is supposed to mean as I aforementioned. It’s a bit rough, but I think it has potential if you fix up your plot. PM me if you have questions/concerns.
Haha! That is so funny and true! But the opposite happens too, I told my mum that i would be out all day going to see my friend Sam in town and exchanging my Dad's shirts for a larger size, and I came home and my sister told me about this conversation she had with my Dad:
"So what did you do today?"
"Went to town to pick up my laptop"
"Oh, no jobhunting, then? Emma's been out handing out CV's in town today, you should have gone with her."
The one day that I actually didn't go job hunting and he praises me for it! What a joke!
I like the end dialogue.
And the bit about people beingon at you to get a job is totally true!
My mum moans at me all the time about it, then I tell her I'm going into town to get application forms and she moans about the bus money! Its like I need to go and get a job before i can have my own bus money!
And then she didn't even believe i was doing it and that i'd just spent the whole time in starbucks....
how trusting....
Whoops, on that last post I meant to say 'I think it should be in fiction'.
Sorry about that x
Yeah but even though the events are true (yeah, my Dad is this dumb and annoying!) they have been embellished quite a bit, and I think I could extend it into something else. I wrote this last night and unfortunately in the midst of writing (at 2am) my Dad actually came in and told me and my sister off for being night owls, which was a pointless rant because, fair enough my sister is still in bed, so she shouldn't be up all night because she obviously can't handle it, but after my Dad went back to bed last night I didn't go to sleep toll about 6am, and I woke up at 9:30am and I feel absolutely fine.
Also, I'm not really sure why I'm ranting about my Dad now instead of just saying thank you for your input haha! But, anyway, at least you have a little insight into my life now! But, yeah, I think it should be in non-fiction just because even though it says 'My Dad', you should imagine it to be someone else's, and I'm thinking I should probably change the names to protect the innocent or something...
Truthfully I found the beginning a little weak, but later on I began to be drawn in. Like thebadthing said, the humor of what your father did kept me interested long enough. So good job.
Anyway, like you said, I don't think this belongs in fiction since it's based on your dad. Maybe non-fiction would be better.
To be honest, I never really take the time to read relatively long pieces such as this one, but I'm really glad I did this time. It drew me in immediatley, and that's what I love about it. It's very descriptive, almost as if I was there witnessing it. It even made me laugh at some parts as well! It's thoughtful and just really well written.
Bravo!