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Young Writers Society



Aladdin:thieving girl ch. 1

by myfreindsavamp


Aladdin: thieving girl

chapter 1

In the dark a shadow moves. It moves swiftly as not to disturb the people asleep in there beds as the man passes by houses, a child in his arms. This child, a girl is wrapped in a green blanket. A monkey cults against her, shivering with fright. A necklace hangs on her neck, something attached to it. Her green eyes glitter everywhere they pass and her black hair shimmers in the moonlight.

“Jasmine, do you remember your middle name?” The man whispers.

“Asima,” The little one answers.

“Good. That shall be your name from now on. Now go,” The man said placing her on her feet.

“Yes. Give my father y respects,” The one now known as Asima said, running off into the night.

\^/ \^/ \^/ \^/

In the night the prince dresses. He dresses in rags as not to cause a riot when he goes out unnoticed and unthought of to the town. He hates being cuped up all day long in the castle, being greeted by these princesses he has no idea of who they are and he doesn’t like them any ways. They’re all stuck up and too… too full of themselves.

He pulls the curtain away from his window. His tiger is close by sleeping. Pulling a rope over the edge of the balcony he lowers himself down. He walks away from the castle unseen and unheard. Unnoticed and unthought of at this time of night. He strids into his town his head held high, the dawn breaking.

\*^*/ \*^*/ \*^*/ \*^*/

Asima runs through the street, bare feet and all as the sun rises. The monkey, Abu runs before her leading the way. She follows with great belief that he is going the right way as she does every day. She grew up as the beggar as thief she was and is. She believed noting will change that. They run, the monkey and her do. They run for there food. To get it and to keep it.

As they come to the apple cart Abu comes up to the fat man and dances. A crowd forms and they clap along as Asima sneaks behind them and takes two shiny apples. She turns to run with her monkey but stumbles back from an obstacle she missed the first time she came through to her goal. The two apples fall from her sleeve. They thud to the ground as the crowd comes to silence, the monkey standing still.

“Thief,” The fat man growls. He takes a step forward but the obstacle from before holds a hand up. It’s a boy. He has black hair just as fair as hers and he looks cleanly washed but he wears rags.

“I have it. She was just coming to ask for the money she needed,” The boy says handing the man a few coins. They sparkle with cleanness. Asima raises an eyebrow at the boy. All she’s seen of any coins were caked with scum. Surely he wasn’t from around here. And surely he’d get into trouble with locals. “Do I get a thank you?” The boy whispered as he bent beside her for the apples. He placed the apples into her hand.

“Thank you, sir,” She says. “Come with me,” She whispers to him. She takes his arm and the monkey follows as she takes him down the road. Many eyes watch. Even the ones that move swiftly as to stay in sight of them.

\^/ \^/ \^/ \^/

“Were are we going?” The prince asks as the girl with long hair leads him away from the crowd of people. He feels nothing wrong as she leads him down that street but he does find curiosity bubbling up in him.

“We’re being followed, sir. No one sees an shining money in this part of town. You look new to the town and some of the locals like that. They might pick a fight, sir,” She said pulling him along.

“You don’t have to call me Sir. Call me Ali,” The prince says.

“Okay, Ali,” She looks over his shoulder. “Watch out!” She pushes him out of the way and gets punched in the stomach by some man. She doubles over only shortly and comes back up. She jumps in front of Ali as the man comes at him. She pulls his hand away from him as she catches hold of his strike. She turns and starts running. “Come on!” She calls over her shoulder. He follows, the monkey beside him. What a fitful day this has started to become.


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Mon Jun 30, 2008 10:44 pm
mikedb1492 wrote a review...



“Thank you, sir,” She says. “Come with me,” She whispers to him.

You don't need the 'she whispers to him' part since you'd just done so. So it should read as:
"Thank you, sir," she says. "Come with me."

All else I've got to tell you is to describe your surroundings since I don't think you did so once. Other than that you have to reread your writing since you had many writing and grammatical mistakes.

Overall: Pretty cool idea and you seam to know where you're going with this.




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Fri Jun 27, 2008 10:00 pm
Sela Locke wrote a review...



Here's the new fad, popping up again and making my eyes ache shamefully.

TELLTELLTELLTELLTELLTELLTELL.

That is what seems to be everybody's problem these days. Stories lose everything that makes them interesting when the writer tells too much. Here's a good example.

'“Okay, Ali,” She looks over his shoulder. “Watch out!” She pushes him out of the way and gets punched in the stomach by some man. She doubles over only shortly and comes back up. She jumps in front of Ali as the man comes at him. She pulls his hand away from him as she catches hold of his strike. She turns and starts running. “Come on!” She calls over her shoulder.'

Every single sentence here starts with 'she'. It makes what could be an exciting part unbearably boring. 'Some man'? Describe him! When you say 'some man', it does the same thing that telling does. Makes the whole thing boring. So work on that, and try to picture yourself in the story, instead of just writing it down like a historical occurrence.

Goo' lucks!

-SELA




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Fri Jun 20, 2008 7:39 am
bubblewrapped wrote a review...



This sounds like an interesting premise, but you have a lot of mistakes. Please try to spell-check your work before posting! Here are some of your typos/errors:

in there beds should be "in their beds." There refers to a place (the beds are over there); their is possessive (they own the beds; the beds belong to them).

A monkey cults against her -- I think you mean "cuddles." A cult is a fanatical religious group. I don't think it's a verb!

“Yes. Give my father y respects,” is missing an "m" before the "y".

cuped up all day long should be "cooped" -- the reference is to chicken coop, and essentially means caged. A good way to remember the spelling :)

And that's only a few of them! It might be a good idea to have someone else go over your work before posting too, to catch your mistakes. It makes it easier for a critiquer to focus on the actual story if they don't have to correct your spelling/grammar etc.

And with that said - onto the story itself.

As I said before, this is an interesting premise, swapping the gender of those involved. It's fun to speculate on how this will change the story. I do think this chapter could use a bit of fleshing out -- descriptions of the marketplace would be nice, and the characters involved. Try to get your readers to picture the scene in their heads and feel the emotion along with the girl. Some similes and metaphors might help in this regard.

I found the beginning a little confusing - I couldn't tell who was who or what was happening and why. You might want to expand this a little bit to help the reader get a sense of what's occurring. Be specific -- don't bother with the mysterious "the man" or "the child" in the beginning unless it's unavoidable, as it just makes the prose seem clunky.

I'll look forward to see how you develop this.

Happy editing!

Cheers,
~bubbles





I’d heard he had started a fistfight in one of the seedier local taverns because someone had insisted on saying the word “utilize” instead of “use".
— Patrick Rothfuss, A Wise Man's Fear