kokobeans

Aww! I love this! First things first though - you need line spaces in between your paragraphs. Huge chunks of text are hard to read and quite daunting. At the ...

Hola, welcome to YWS Basic fact: As you may have noticed on other posts, you should always leave a line space between paragraphs and speach. Large blocks of text are ...

Spell checker, spell checker! Sorry :p You have three errors in your first two sentences. On YWS you can get some merciless critiques, and making simple spelling errors like these ...

You have a unique style of writing, it's quite good. I really like the way you've introduced Tom, he's a believable and instantly likeable character. I have to agree with ...

This is a great poem, very thought provoking. I quite like the repitition of verbs and 'which is why' at the beginning and end of the verses, it slows the ...

I love this! Very gripping. You've really brought the main character to life. I liked the way you refered to the mother as 'she' at first, it instantly made a ...

I like the ideas in this poem, it's genuine and very mature. It does lack rhythm, which a poem can do without. Maybe if you pushed some of the short ...

I enjoyed this. The meaning is a bit hard to grasp, but it makes sense. I think it would help to make it longer, maybe add in a few other ...

I really like the way you've introduced your characters here, and the contrast between the dark assasin and the dopey emperor works really well. Overall I loved it. Here's what ...

You have quite a sophisticated style of writing, it's very unique. An idea might be to add in a link to the previous part, which would encourage more people to ...

'Live to see another day, to see the rains of may', that's got a really nice ring to it, i love the way you've used it in repitition too. I ...

That sent shivers down my spine. Nice work! You've used an interesting structure to start it off. I love the way you've left most of this a mystery, leaving it ...

This is a really good piece of work, but it's incredibly hard to read as it is. Here's my suggestion of how to play about with the structure a little. ...

I love this! It's powerful and sad, without being melodramatic. Good job. I have to say I really think it should be longer. I started reading, but I expected more, ...

This is a great start. You've introduced your characters really well, and made them instantly likable, so I'd say you've got nothing to worry about there. I love the way ...