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Young Writers Society



the war of the amniox PROLOUGE

by madam-butterfly


Valerix ran as fast as her burning legs could take her. The soles of her feet ached as they pounded against the rocky ground. She was very tired, running for what seemed to be an eternity. She grew hot & her palms were sweaty, but she kept a tenacious grip on the ruby jewel her mother gave her. She knew it was very important, she heard Bougar tell his amni-warriors to get it from her at all costs. She could hear them behind her, picking up speed as they shed their armor.their angry shouts were still frightening although she’s yards ahead of them. She willed her legs to go faster, but she couldn’t pick up the pace. She was already on the verge of collapsing, but she had to keep going. She risked one glance over her, back at the angry mob chasing her when she felt gravity increase upon her. She felt as if she was going to be crushed into the ground. Then she realized there was no ground beneath her. She didn’t have time to scream before she was submerged into the rushing waters of the kohaku river, sill holding on to her mother’s jewel. The last thing she saw was a tiny purple light floating just above her.

Fyesha

“Zakarni come back!”zakar called after his twin sister.

“No zakar! I’m sick of the way we live. They ought to be ashamed of themselves! The cowards!i can’t take it any longer!”, Zakarni called over her shoulder without slowing down(her pace or her tears).

“Come on Zakarni, you can’t just leave!”, Zakar struggled to keep up so he could be heard.

“watch me”

“hey will you just freaking slow down! Athilius!”

Zakarni stopped & sat on the ground started pulling up the grass without saying a word. Panting, zakar took a seat next to his sister, staring at the sunset over the volcano of Marre, trying to catch his breath, then finally said”you’re only 12, where would you go?”

Zakarni’s face lit up the way it always did when had a great idea. Zakar knew that face, he also knew that it ofter led to trouble, yet he had no way of knowing how much this particular idea would cause.

“I’ll go there! Of course!”Zakarni jumped up pointing towards the orange and purple sky.

“where?”

“to the volcanic region of marre. I’ve always thought it was beautiful there. It’ll be perfect, and far away from grimaldi”

“you mean dad? Come on Zakar, you’ve never even been there. You don’t know what it’s like, or what kind of creatures live there.”Zakar pleaded

“oh really zakar, we haven’t been anywhere besides in that stupid river with those cowards. Besides, how will I ever know what lives there if I don’t go there?”Zakarni replied kneeing now next to her brother.

“it could be dangerous!”Zakar whined.

Zakarni knew that whine, she also knew they often ended with tears.

“now don’t you cry”.She said taking his hand into hers, “don’t worry about me, I’m brave & brave people never die. Ohh…don’t! I’ll come back for you, once I’ve made sure it’s safe”

“promise?”

“I promise. I have something for you”zakarni stated reaching for the side pocket of her sack & pulled out a small cotton drawstring bag & handing it to Zakar.

“plant seeds!” Zakar exclaimed as he opened it, he gave his sister a long hug, silently hoping it wasn’t there last one.

“yes. I saw how you make gardens of twigs & pebbles a the bottom of the river, but they always get washed away. Plant these above ground and watch them grow”

“it’ll be your homecoming present! But..can’t I plant them in the river?” Zakar questioned hesitantly.

“no! above ground! Promise me that you won’t be a coward like father. Spend as much time above ground as you can or you’ll die of dullness and fear. Promise me, and the garden will grow to be lush & beautiful, so upon my return Demeter will sing out songs of praise.” Zakarni danced around grinning.

“I promise”

They hugged for the last time & went their separate ways.


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Wed Feb 06, 2008 12:01 am
kokobeans wrote a review...



Hola, welcome to YWS

Basic fact: As you may have noticed on other posts, you should always leave a line space between paragraphs and speach. Large blocks of text are daunting to readers.

I would also recommend breaking the first paragraph into two, it's a little long.

I think you should take some time out to picture your scene and jot down ideas that come to mind before writing it. That should avoid the cliches that you've slipped into this. (For example 'her feet ached as they pounded against the rocky ground')

'Although she’s yards ahead of them' (1.4), you've switched tense here, try 'she was'.

From the second line you've started eight consecutive sentences with 'she'. Try rejumbling some of these sentences.

'Fyesha'? I assume this is a switch in viewpoint. I'd suggest putting this in bold as a subtitle.

'Zakarni stopped & sat on the ground', this should be 'and', so long as you're writing literature you should never shorten it.

I can't see much wrong with the rest. It's a little heavy on speech, but so long as you don't make that a habit it's not so bad.

I suggest reading through one last time and fixing your capital letters and punctuation though. Every sentence should start with a capital letter. To end a sentence, even in speech, use only one form of punctuation.

Not a bad start, keep it up. Let me know if you post a follow-up, I can't wait to read it.





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— Zenith