Silence is Tarnished

I feel as though there is something behind this poem, but you're having a lot of trouble expressing it. It's hard for a reader to get into a poem that's a string of abstract phrases.

Try writing in complete sentences. Use concrete images. You need to give your reader some context before he can begin to get under the surface of the poem.
We don't know what's going on in this poem, because it's just the speaker rambling on in incomplete thoughts. I can appreciate that there's something going on in the speaker's head, but we'd like to know what exactly that something is, know what I mean?

Also, work on your spelling. It will show readers that you care about your work if you take the time to make it perfect.

-Colleen

Awesome job! This is pretty good stuff here. Although, I must agree with the previous post.

Structure adds a great deal, as does proper grammar. Going with the breaks provided by Koko, I would suggest getting rid of all but the first line of the third stanza. That first line I think would work much better as the closer of the second stanza. It keeps the point and I think adds for a bit more strength to the second section, and the piece as a whole.

On the plus side, I really liked the line "I am legend." It seems like this fight is will bring more of an ultimatum then a little high school drama. I also like how the last four lines decrease slightly in length. It really brings closure to the piece.

So anyway, good job!

This is a really good piece of work, but it's incredibly hard to read as it is. Here's my suggestion of how to play about with the structure a little. It is just a suggestion, so by all means keep your work your own, but it's the only way I could think of to write this critique.

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As I sit here
all day
not a word said
watching, listening, waiting (try cutting this down to just 'waiting', it will fit well with the last line)

he calls for a momment (should be moment)
to touch base
and then is gone (without a word) *
without a trace (lost in space / his face is lost to me) *
i am legend (not sure how that fits, but it sounds good)
i am the disgrace

for he can do no wrong
and that is right
for all he does is good
only i do bad (This would do better to rhyme)

and he doesn't know
so i must lie here
in the silence
and wait

*I would suggest cutting these out to help the whole thing flow better.

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I especially love the lines 'for he can do no wrong / and that is right / for all he does is good', it shows a lot about the boy you're writing about and your view on him.
There's some great ideas in this poem, but the structure needs a Lot of work. If you revise it please pm me, I'd love to see what you can do with it.