At times like this
I sit and think
Of everything
We've been through.
Yet.
This is
Our toughest
Bump in the road.
I know I love you,
I've told you
MANY times
Before.
But.
The shadow of night
Is dark and frightful.
Your not here to help me through.
At times like this,
The hard times.
I feel like letting us go
To drift apart in a sea of loneliness
Never to cross paths again,
As I feel
I may ruin what we had,
Our cherished memories.
I know I love you
So it's worth the heartache
To see you
Happy again.
To drift apart in this sea
With only memories,
Cherished memories
Of each other.
But as we age
And further we part,
The memories,
Fade away.
First,
You wont remember
My hands,
My smell.
As you
Lie in bed,
An old woman
You will be,
You will
close your eyes.
My face will be gone
Replaced by someone new.
At times like this
I tell myself
Of everything
We've been through.
And I know
This is only a bump in the road.
But we will still be together,
Old and grey.
And when we are old,
When I die.
I will dream a sweet dream
For all eternity.
It will
Be of you.
For only when I die
Will you be a cherished memory.
But for now,
We lie in our beds,
With the same four walls
As yesterday and hence.
Slowly suffocating,
We shut our eyes
And fly away to a time,
When we were truly happy.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
I like the ideas in this poem, it's genuine and very mature.
It does lack rhythm, which a poem can do without. Maybe if you pushed some of the short lines together to make them all reasonably the same length it shouldn't disrupt the flow too much.
You've got some raw talent and I think if you keep going you should be writing some brilliant stuff, so keep up the good work. Kudos.
And welcome to YWS!
I actually like the broken rhythm of this poem. The only things I would change are:
1. As Via said, take away the periods after yet and but.
2. Un-capitalize 'MANY' because it puts a stress on the word and makes it sound more like you are just having a conversation with someone, and less like a poem.
I was going to say that you should add in some metaphors, similes, and such, but now I find that I like the simplicity of it. Anyways you should, as said above, read some of other people's poetry to get an idea of different types of poetry, but that doesn't mean you have to stop writing. Actually, would definitely SHOULD NOT stop writing. The more you write, the better you will get.
So, keep writing, welcome to YWS, and I hope you like it here!
Off to a good start!
Hello peter--
Welcome to the YWS! Please take a look at the Rules & Guides. We do ask that you make 2 critiques/reviews of others work before posting every 1 piece of your own work and that the ratio says 2:1. Thanks!
Now onto the poem...
I feel like this is a love letter with a bunch of line breaks for no apparent reason. I mean, every sentence in the poem is a complete sentence, except for the random sections where they are periods that throw off the flow (like after "Yet" and "But"). If you read the poem there is no poetic flow to it. The flow reads just like a paragraph would, not like a poem would.
My suggestion would be to put down the pen and read lots and lots and lots of poetry to get a sense of what makes it poetry, and then try mimicking a few of those and then eventually writing your own personal style will come into play.
Good luck!