jonny911

I'll crit this as I go along Day One: Journal of General Tarce Tyrst Naerith (way too confusing a name!) It was dark today (if the sun's light got blocked, ...

It's a pretty good description, but you really "lay it on thick". I mean, non-existance? There is a line between a beautiful, unpassionate character and a... overly dramtized character. I ...

That probaly is a problem. You really should keep your plot in mind throughout the entire writing, so you have an idea of how one thing relates to the rest ...

First of all, I'll echo Seraph tree. I couldn't really figure out who was who since you have three characters and 0 intros. And what the heck does this Cafe ...

I won't mix words, I didn't like it much. I can see you have some talent but this writing doesn't reflect it. 1. The pacing is off. It goes= Thing ...

I've got a heck of a lot to say bout this. First, what I liked: you created an interesting and new world that was something different. But there are problems. ...

It was so-so. The humor seemed a little off to me; you're trying too much to be funny. I can see it being funny acted out, but then people would ...

The interlude was confusing but interesting, and that's probably how you wanted it. "reading to much weird fantasy” make it too much Overall, it was great, had a Heroes feel ...

monosyllabically I know you mean.... I don't know what you mean. Remember, the best words are short, specific, and easy to understand. Some of the words you choose made your ...

Funny! You set it up really well, and the delivery was good to. I'm not so sure about this sentence Greetings, land mammals. It's just to overused a joke and ...

Overall, good work! You did a good job of expressing your feelings about the ponies, if it were a bit overdramatic. You didn't give me anything about your characters beyond ...

I'm with Gingerlizzy: the flow was just off somehow. But, I thought it was powerful, if a topic that has been done before. Finally, the three stanzas never reall built ...

Sorry, alexia, but you should have put this story in fantasy fiction. Oh yeah, and It sorta reminds me of Eragon (but on the dragons side), which a lot of ...

I'll be blunt: I don't like it. Everything is too sudden and too random: I couldn't really understand the point to everything. The grammar wasn't very good. The prologue was ...

SCOTT The fate of the galaxy is at stake besides that line , which is just to random without more explanation, I liked the play. It was good and easy ...