bookworm201

Yeah, I thought it was stupid, but I needed a second opinion. I'll probably pull this out in a few years and fix it, but right now, this was just ...

Whoa. Great poem, the edit lyrical and yet powerful, but you can tell it came fromt he orginal. Awesome imagery, especially the personifcation. One note: comma after "greed" in first ...

The description is excellent- you can really feel it. The last three sentences seem to stick out; like everyone's said, they make it feel synopsis-y.

The description is excellent- you can really feel it. The last three sentences seem to stick out; like everyone's said, they make it feel synopsis-y.

The use of simple phrases is great. The last line is a bit stiff though. It's awesomely elegant, though.

Powerful message, but the commas are disruptive. GReat contact with your emotion.