-
Re: Ocean of Darkness A letter
Hey Well, obviously you haven't posted a lot so there's not a great deal to comment on so far, but I'll give you my initial impressions, for what they are ...
Jan 21, 2017 -
Re: More than life
Maya stared transfixed at the way the raindrops shone on the window beside her bed. The single droplets reflected off the moonlight outside I think you mean that the droplets ...
Jan 10, 2017 -
Re: Hidden From Me Chapter 2
I walked down the other and opened a door. It was a living room, the walls painted a dark blue and the carpet was black. It had a black couch ...
Jan 10, 2017 -
Re: Dhampir's chapter 1
The darkness acted like a cloak, hiding the woman from view as she walked silently through the darkened forest. Only her sharpened senses stopped her from stumbling her way through ...
Jan 10, 2017 -
Re: OLD CHAPT 1
"So... My mom and dad said they are coming to your parents' dinner party." Her dark brown eyes blinked in confusion before realization ushered in. This conversation did seem familiar. ...
Jan 8, 2017 -
Re: Glorious Fantasy Ch.2: Death Kittens
I should have put some points into endurance. Haha, I liked this. Think! They’re too big to climb a tree as easily as an actual cat. Even if they can ...
Jan 8, 2017 -
Re: Scolopendra chapter 2
They rode fast and the cold air bit at Caden’s face and hands until his nose and cheeks went pink with cold and his hands paled to white and went ...
Jan 8, 2017 -
Re: Chapter One(Part 1)
The name of the game is guilt as I held my head high and pretended I didn’t know about the damage I had done to the entire east wing of ...
Jan 8, 2017 -
Re: Follow The Shining Stars
“Come here, Lucy.” The little ginger-haired girl did as told and ran up to her father, who was wearing his baker’s apron and a pair of leather gloves. He carefully ...
Jan 8, 2017 -
Re: Prince, Spy, Priest
As he walked, Kianto picked up dozens of snippets of conversation, conversations that he would pay attention to later. For now… I didn’t like the way this sentence flowed due ...
Jan 7, 2017 -
Re: Axylia 1.01
There had been twenty of the King’s Guard right there. At least one would have taken up pursuit. The phrasing here implied to me that all twenty guards noticed her, ...
Jan 7, 2017 -
Re: Glorious Fantasy Ch.1: A New world
I forced my way through the branches, weeds, and spider webs. The fear of what was behind me forcing my thin legs faster than they should ever possibly go. Loud ...
Jan 7, 2017 -
Re: Scolopendra
Big, fluffy flakes floated from the pearly gray sky and began to blanket the training field where they stood. Try not to be so verbose with your descriptions - you ...
Jan 6, 2017 -
Re: Zodiac enter the fight
Igtytous quickly moved as he leaped in air and took his sword out. This was rather wordy. Consider omitting the “quickly moved” part and rewording “took his sword out”, as ...
Jan 6, 2017 -
Re: Pseyechia; Chapter 1.5: A News Story (Edited)
The rest of the week passed uneventfully. This isn’t a very effective hook, to be honest. Consider that telling readers about how uneventful the protagonist’s week is won’t do much ...
Jan 5, 2017
