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E - Everyone

More than life

by Kittycat589


Maya stared transfixed at the way the raindrops shone on the window beside her bed. The single droplets reflected off the moonlight outside causing them to blend in with the stars in the sky. It was the little things like that she noticed, the minuscule details most people took for granted, was what she noticed most. She hadn't always. But after the events of the last few months. She'd had to. Maya lay back down on her bed again. Already knowing sleep was not coming any time that morning for her. It hadn't come the night before and she knew now would be no different.

Finally giving up she slid out of her bed. Careful not to wake the sleeping figures in the beds beside her, they'd came in in the early hours and collapsed out of exhaustion. She'd pretended to be asleep. Maya grabbed her rucksack and left the dorm room. Closing the door with a soft click. She padded gently along the carpeted floor towards the girls bathrooms where she quickly changed into her clothes. Tying her hair up into a messy bun and slipping her shoes over her feet. After stuffing her night clothes into her rucksack she left the bathroom exiting through the fire exit she knew would not set off an alarm.

Technically, it wasn't permitted for anyone to leave the dorms after 10 o'clock. Anyone caught out after that time faced expulsion. But Maya was too drained to care about that anymore.

It was beginning to get lighter as she walked. As the first signs of morning showed, reflecting off the shiny pavement underneath she took a deep breath to steady herself. The dance hall was, unsurprisingly unlocked. They were in the middle of nowhere. The chances of someone breaking in were slim to none. She flipped the switch that would turn on the lights and the room was illuminated instantly.

There was nothing different to the dance hall compared to any others she had been in. It was a constant in her life. Something she desperately needed.

Sets of Barre outlined the room. The mirrors reflected only the wooden floor, the blue of the walls and Maya's, Cold,  blank expression. She dropped her bag to the ground grabbing before grabbing her ipod out of it. After plugging it into the docking station she began to slowly warm up. Carefully so she didn't pull a muscle. She didn't want to hurt herself more than she already had. By the time she was finished the morning light had begun to stream into the windows. It wasn't quite bright enough to wake anyone yet. It would be at least another 10 minutes before that happened. The slow melodic tune of 'more than life' drifted through the speakers. And as it did, she began to dance.

Usually, when she danced. She could forget. For four or five minutes she could forget. But today was different. For the first time, For the three minutes the song lasted. She found herself remembering everything. Every happy moment and every sad. Every laugh and every tear filled one. Every one filled with love. And every one filled with pain. As much as she tried to fight it. This. This she couldn't stop.

As the song ended she found herself on the ground. Her right foot tucked under her left knee. Her hands flat on the floor as she leaned heavily on arms that could barely support her. The tears hit the floor as the sobs racked her body. It was the first time she'd cried in months. It was the first time she'd cried since it had happened. 

The songs came to a stop as her playlist ended. The only sound in the hall were Maya's loud, harsh sobs. The door opened and someone entered halting as they spotted her. But she was in too much of a mess to yell. Honestly she didn't care.

The footsteps resumed, getting closer to her as they did. Before she knew it Alex's arms had wrapped around her, holding her close to him as she cried. She barely registered he had. The pain in her chest was the only thing she noticed. It hurt more than anything she'd ever felt before. It hurt to know she'd never see his grin again. It hurt to know she was the reason he was dead. And it hurt more to know that she should be the one dead. Not him. It hurt to know that he would never be the one comforting her like Alex was now. It hurt to know she would never see him again. It just hurt.

"He's gone" She sobbed, clinging onto the arm Alex had wrapped around her front. Ad if it was the only thing keeping her on the ground. Keeping her there. "He's gone and there's nothing I can do. I should have died not him. I wish I was dead. I should be the one in that box today. Not him. Not him." It was like the girl had completely broken. Like her entire being had been crushed into a million pieces. Her entire existence lay in ruins. Today, in only a few hours they would be burying him. Burying the one person who'd cared enough to get to know her. The one person she'd loved enough to let him.

"Don't say that" Alex's own voice broke, he was in as much pain as she was "I already lost him. I don't want to. No. I can't lose you too"

"Why does it hurt so much Alex?" She choked out "It shouldn't hurt like this should it?"

The door opened again, not that either of them noticed. Professor Blackbourne entered in time to hear her comment. The sight before the professor was a painful one. To see the two children. Because that's what they were. Little more than children. Who had already been through so much. So broken. Neither one strong enough to support the other but neither one wanting to let the other go.

"It hurts because you care" Alex muttered "It hurts because you have to let go"

"I don't want to care" Maya sobbed, sounded like a child who had decided they didn't want to eat their vegetables. "Make it stop. Just. Make it stop" She begged. The boy could only hold her closer as his own tears rolled down his cheeks hitting her blonde hair.

The professor backed slowly out of the room, returning to the hall to let the staff know they were safe. The two didn't need to see anyone else right now. The last thing she heard before the door shut quietly behind her only served to hurt her more.

"I wish i could M" He whispered "I wish I could"


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39 Reviews


Points: 2072
Reviews: 39

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Thu Jan 19, 2017 12:21 am
Squirtlepowiee wrote a review...



Haiii!!

Nice story! I found a few things that sounded weird to me but other than that, it is good!

"It was the little things like that she noticed, the minuscule details most people took for granted, was what she noticed most." Try, "It was the little things like that she noticed, the minuscule details most people took for granted." or "The minuscule details most people took for granted, was what she noticed most." In this sentence, you mentioned twice that it was the small things she noticed. You only need one.

"Careful not to wake the sleeping figures in the beds beside her, they'd came in in the early hours and collapsed out of exhaustion." This is a weird sentence. I would suggest, "She was careful not to wake the sleeping figures in the beds beside her. They had come in in the early hours and collapsed onto their beds in exhaustion."

Change "Tying her hair up into a messy bun and slipping her shoes over her feet." into a sentence.

"The mirrors reflected only the wooden floor, the blue of the walls and Maya's, Cold, blank expression." Cold is capitalized when it shouldn't be.

"For the first time, For the three minutes the song lasted." For is also capitalized.

"I wish i could M" He whispered "I wish I could" Capitalize the "I".

This was very sad and heartbreaking to read. I hope you can continue to develop your writing skills and maybe run your stories through a grammar check. Keep writing!

~Greetings from Squirtlepowiee :D




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22 Reviews


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Reviews: 22

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Tue Jan 10, 2017 11:45 pm
Zoom wrote a review...



Maya stared transfixed at the way the raindrops shone on the window beside her bed. The single droplets reflected off the moonlight outside


I think you mean that the droplets are reflecting the moonlight, but the way you have phrased this isn’t right and means the opposite of what you wanted it to.

Careful not to wake the sleeping figures in the beds beside her, they'd came in in the early hours and collapsed out of exhaustion.


This doesn’t make sense, it starts off as an action of one person, then becomes a collective action with “they’d”

Usually, when she danced. She could forget. For four or five minutes she could forget. But today was different. For the first time, For the three minutes the song lasted. She found herself remembering everything. Every happy moment and every sad. Every laugh and every tear filled one. Every one filled with love. And every one filled with pain. As much as she tried to fight it. This. This she couldn't stop.


Without knowing any examples of what a happy or sad moment might be for her, this is kind of meaningless. I mean, I find the concept strange that she is feeling so much conflict at once, and I’m not left with an understanding of why or of what I am supposed to learn from this.

"Why does it hurt so much Alex?" She choked out "It shouldn't hurt like this should it?"


I found that very strange to ask.

"I don't want to care" Maya sobbed, sounded like a child who had decided they didn't want to eat their vegetables.


That was a pretty good analogy.

***

Final comments:

1) My main issue is that I find Maya's grief completely unrelatable, not because I haven't suffered grief before but because I don't care about Maya yet. I don't know who she has lost and what their relationship had been like. I feel like the part where she suddenly became overwhelmed by both sad and happy memories would have had more impact if we were given snippets of those memories instead of just being told that's what she was thinking about. I can't speak for everyone but personally I don't really enjoy reading about other people's grief, unless it's executed in such a way that I feel the grief along with them, and that it's fully justified. It's quite challenging to open a story in this way.

2) Commas seemed to be an issue throughout the piece, some sentences were in dire need of a comma and some had a comma where you didn't need one. Again, reading your work out loud will help you find places where commas should/shouldn't go.

3) The progression of the story was good (to me that's more important than anything I've mentioned so far), I liked and appreciated that a lot. I find it hard to read stories that open with too much happening off the bat, however there was a simplicity to how this story opens that makes it easy to get into. Also, I really liked how you touched on how Maya notices the little things most people take for granted. I feel that was an interesting characterisation to open with and feel you should expand on that a lot more. It was a good way to build tension and foreshadow that there is a dark reason behind it (I immediately sensed her depression, and now that I read back, you didn't mention a single word about her grief before that part, so very fantastic job for giving me that image in such an indirect way!)

I'm curious to see how you can improve this piece. If you do make any major edits etc let me know :)

Zoom






I have a question xD How do you make those green boxes with parts of the story inside them? I can't find out ow to do it, so I end up having to copy and paste from the writer's story. Thanks for the info if you reply!




Monster is a relative term. To a canary, a cat is a monster. We're just used to being the cat.
— Henry Wu, "Jurassic World"