Torigirl15

i really liked your last line, it left somewhat of a cliff hanger, but not enough to make the reader annoyed. A lot of cliff hangers can be overrated, but ...

“You could die.” “Yep.” “Thought you should know.” “I do.” I thought this part was pretty awesome. i always try to write dialogue like this in my novel, but so ...

I loved this! haha it really shows the awkwardness two people have when they first meet and kind of like each other. Well, at least the guy likes the girl. ...

you use the word burnt there twice at the end, both to describe the briefcase and the money, maybe try using charred or something. other than that, i really liked ...

in the beginning when your mc first mentions taking the job that goes to earth she says something about it paying her retirement, and then you mention her retirement again ...

This is a really good story. it drew me in right away, and i really enjoyed this chapter. There are definitely not too many big words, i think they fit ...

Although this was very full of emotion and images, none of the images made sense. Why is she taking that many pills? Why is she drinking liquor? Also, what is ...

I liked the fact that the mc was very straight forward, and said exactly what's what. Sometimes writers try to beat around the bush to "show" rather than "tell", but ...

Nice touch with the fog!I agree with the main character, fog holds too many secrets. =) There are only a few things i would change, such as adding a little ...

I really liked this, and yes it would make me read on! it was a little confusing, but I'm sure that's because its the end of a chapter. i didn't ...

A gnarled oak tree stood at the peak of a hill. The tree was over a hundred years old, yet it seemed as fresh and new as the pale daylight ...

I liked the idea of using fading light as a metaphor for a failing relationship, but what confused me was that the guy was so attached to the girl. If ...

This has some very good allusions, and similies! I like the way you described her as contagious, and how you showed the way her husband was cheating by saying "Things ...

I really like this chapter because it really shows that these characters have history together! that's alway something i look for, that relationships need to have backbone to them. I ...

I enjoyed reading this chapter, but i think this is a lot like harry potter for at least three reasons. 1. The train. 2. The fact that they start magice ...