Published February 11, 2010
Hey! wolf here, this is a part of my novel! i know you people dont like pieces of stories all to much, but this one was just so fun to write because of Martin's attitude towards jensey!
this was just after a meeting when someone big died, murdered, and they were taking volunteer's to go after the killer, jensey, who has this unknown "voice in her head" volunteers imediatly because the "voice" said so.
***
Martin looked at me with a exasperated sigh, hands on hips, shaking his head.
I rubbed my eyes and looked at him.
“You were kind of eager in there.” He said, scowling.
I flexed my hands and said “I guess i was struck by an inspiration to do a greater good.”
“You could die.”
“Yep.”
“Thought you should know.”
“I do.”
He raked a hand through his hair, still looking at me with a scowl on his broad, sharply handsome face “don’t be stupid. Don’t get killed, it would be a waste, i put alot of effort into you and your training.”
I took that as a warped compliment. maybe he actually liked me?
its rough and needs critique badly!
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Whoa, what? Eager in where? Is there something I'm missing?
-Insert completely and utterly irritated face here- When talking about I, as in the person. I like cheese. I can dance, -not really-. She thinks I am swell. The single I is capitalized.
Wait, who said that? Are they talking in monotone? Complained, whined, scowled, hooted, ect.
Still lost as to who is talking.
Still very lost with this monotone conversation.
"Don't... Capital at the beginning of a sentence. Again with the I! AH! A lot is two words.
Maybe.
Overall.
I have no clue what so ever as to what is happening. Why did Mr./Mrs./Miss 1st un-named character almost get killed? What is this training Mr. Un-named character 2 speaks of? Why does C.2. perhaps like C.1.? Why are they talking in monotone? What does C.1. Look like? A lego brick perhaps?
Work on this and PM me. I know you can do better.
Eager for what?
Also... cap those I's!
I really want some more of this
He raked a hand through his hair, still looking at me with a scowl on his broad, sharply (sharply handsome?? Is that written correctly..?) handsome face, “
Don’t be stupid. Don’t get killed, it would be a waste, I put a lot of effort into you and your training.”
Maybe he actually liked me?
Ok, so all the mistakes I saw are corrected in red, also my comments on stuff are in red. This sounds like an interesting story!!!
Alzora
Hey I'm going to review your work
It's an exasperated sigh, not a
Kind of, isn't really using your vocabulary to the best of your ability!
Find a better word than said?!
It should be a capital I
Other than that it is quite good well done
I thought this part was pretty awesome. i always try to write dialogue like this in my novel, but so far i'm not too good at witty exchanges like the one you got going on here. good luck with your writing!
thanks! lol, i usually put in a ton of description but in this story, its kind of hard because of the main c, its all in her view and she doesnt notice alot of things heheheheheh,
thanks for your time!
I like this story, and although it is just a piece of the story i liked it. Although it would have been nice to have some description I'm sure I'll know once you post more of the story. Confused.Pirate got most of the nitpicks, but you should post more. I really am curious as to how me she may die, and who died as well. Very curious......
lol, this mission is hard to write! got to pinpoint some scenery an dnot get OVER discriptive (i love discriptions!)
No problem! Always here to help
heh heh, yeah, she volunteered very eagerly for a mission, and when he said "you could die" he's talking about what she is going to do, on the mission.
thanks! i really appreciate it!
So you wrote that this is part of your novel, correct? So is there previous posts on this particular subject? It would help the understanding of this short excerpt
To start off, make sure your title it capitalized lol. I know its simple and just a website but I think those small details matter
Okay since you said you need critique badly, I'll be extra picky
In the first sentence you might want to detail what kind of *sigh* he made..Exasperated? Sad? Tired? Gives the reader a better idea on his mood.
Eager to do what?
Besides the small grammar corrections, you might want to consider revising this sentence a bit. It's a tad awkward..How about: "I guess I was struck by inspiration to do a greater good."
Then when Martin says "You could die." Is he talking about what Jensey did? Or what she's going to do? Because he was originally talking in the past tense, so it's a bit confusing..
Waste of what?
And finally you're closing statement: You might want to divide it into two sentences. Makes it more powerful for such a strong assumption by the character.
Good job and keep writing!