Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Do you believe that people have a destiny? Something greater than blending in with a crowd? Something more important than fitting in or getting good grades? Something more than a normal, mundane life? I do.

I hope its true, if only because I do none of the above. I don’t fit in, I don’t get good grades, but I do have a wonderfully normal life . . . for now.

My name is Jensen Jones.

I am a normal fifteen year old high schooler.

I want to remain a normal high school girl.

Staying under the radar, out of the spotlight, is my only goal.

I’m not incredibly pretty, nor smart; I’m not even tall, but I’m a mystery.

That little fact makes me an oddity, a story to be dissected. I came to the small city of Nampa, Idaho two years ago. I am an orphan. I don’t, infact, remember my parents. The lack of those memories, that tiny thing, makes me cringe at the thought, do to that truth, and some . . . other things, I am different.

But I doubt you picked up this, my story, to listen to an angsty teenager ramble on about how horrid her life is, so, on to my other words.

Do you truly believe we were meant for greater things then feeding the dog? As I also stated earlier, i do.

This story has changed SOO much, i just dont know how to take this off of here XD

I, too, don't know wether Jenson is a boy or girl. I also agree that you are just rephrasing the idea that Jenson is going to have something life changing later on in the story, and I look forward to reading that. Remember the punctuation as other(s) have already pointed out. Everything I really saw wrong with it has already been covered

Lol, gosh i havent read this in forever! i forgot all about posting it! Jensen has changed so much, lol, thanks for commenting ;P i am on the second draft of the novel, ugh, i didnt like how the first one turned out.
talk to ya soon!

I liked the fact that the mc was very straight forward, and said exactly what's what. Sometimes writers try to beat around the bush to "show" rather than "tell", but a lot of times it's just more confusing and takes up a lot of extra space that is needed. If you were to try to incorporate this into your story and not have the mc talk directly to the reader, i don't think it would have been as intriguing.

Eh, it was ok. It was interesting, but not that interesting. Basically, you said one thing over and over: we are ment for something more.

I really like your first chapter, but I think this prologue needs some work (or just totally elliminate it from your story...you don't need it. ) Either way, just sort of finding a way to get rid of the "teenage angst" feel and stuff will help.

ahha! thanks, i needed a fresh eye for this piece i am a little scared to post my next piece, hahaha, i am afraid it might not be as "intriguing" as this one! i am working on it.

Hey there, here I am as requested!

Everyone else has already addressed the nitpicks I would have mentioned, so the only thing I can really add is definitely show us more than tell (although you can get away with telling us in the prologue) and make sure that your story doesn't get too clichéd. With this being a prologue, there's not much for me to pick on about the story line just yet. I do like the character's tone, and I'm looking forward to seeing what situations you put her in, so that we can get to know her better.

This part stuck out to me:

Wolfdaemon wrote: I am a normal fifteen year old high schooler.
I want to remain a normal high school girl.

thanks, yes it makes sense! i try to make my stories easy to read, i love the tolkien style but its just so darn hard to read, soo, i make mine, or try to, easier on the mind.

I think this is a very good start. What i would like to note has already been noted before, in the other critiques. Continue with this. The way you wrote it is cool. Hard to explain, but it seems to flow, and it's comfortable read. (If that didn't make sense, it's okay.) Love it.

haha, thanks, i am working on editing the first chapter, its a little long.

Hi Wolfdaemon
I like it and I can see that I've been beaten at nit-picking so the only thing I'd like to point out is that it's I do not i do. Can you pm me when you put up more because even in that short bit i got really into the story.

Alright, your prologue. I think it has potential. Personally, I'm not one for prologues because most of the time they aren't necessary and they are quite difficult to write well. But to each his own, right?

The positives: interesting tone/thoughts from your character, I like it. Your character contemplating on the realities of life (mundane v. exciting). The general idea of this is good, and could be a very good prologue.

The negatives: telling. angsty teenager cliche.

On to my advice. Don't give us everything about your character in the prologue. As of this small part of the story I know Jensen Jones is an angsty, orphaned average teenager who is more than likely not going to be so average in a very short amount of time. I have very little interest in learning more about this character, because I know that I am dealing with an angsty not quite normal orphaned teenager. Give Jensen some substance and then reveal that substance throughout the story. Make the reader want to know more about this kid.

I do really like the idea of her giving a sort of monologue here. You can reveal so much through her thoughts and speech that you don't have to come right out and say. And if you can do so in a way that won't give away the plot yet will hook the reader in then you have a stellar prologue coming your way.

Good luck, and keep writing! Can't wait to see where you can go with this.

-Lauren

thanks. i have to admit its fun to write. . . sort of wierd, but even i dont know whats going to happen next, like the albanian gryphon, ahahaha.

Caught my atention pretty well. But the whole lanky, talentless orphan girl seems really cliche to me. True having an orphan character gives them interesting backstories, but it's been done a lot. this was powerful yet subtle, which i find is a herd thing to do, so Kudos for that.
all in all good prolgue.people above got all the errors.

-OLLI

This piece was very good, even though it breaks a lot of the rules I don't like broken. The MC speaks directly to the audience. She tells us a lot, rather than showing. Yet despite that I did enjoy it.

What saved it was a terrific character voice. There was a subtle sarcasm there that I found very appealing. Keep that good characterisation going, and your story can be forgiven for a lot of things.

That being said, I wouldn't continue with this style for too long, because it will wear out eventually. Keep the voice, but don't keep telling.

You also did a superb job of pacing by varying sentence lengths and paragraphing.

by the way, the chapters are longer, so should i put it as a attachment or just post it?

It really caught my attention and I am wondering where it might lead. I can't wait to read chapter 1!
What is your chapters name?
is it Bigger meanings? I like it
I think the name Jensen James is a really cool name
I look forward to reading your first chapter.

This did catch my attenchtion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You need to write a story on this!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have to see where this goes!!!!!!!!!!!!! this could be the basis of a best seller!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Message me when you write more!!!!!!!!!!

by the way, the chapters are longer, so should i put it as a attachment or just post it?

thanks everyone! i will most likely post chap. 1 later today, its going pretty fast!

Interesting piece. It's going to go somewhere. Keep it up! Here's some suggestions:

Do you believe that people have a destiny? Something greater than blending in with a crowd? Something more important than fitting in or getting good grades? Something more than a normal, mundane life? I do.

I hope its it's true, if only because I do none of the above. I don’t fit in, I don’t get good grades, but I do have a wonderfully normal life . . . for now.

My name is Jensen Jones.

I am a normal seventeen year old high schooler.

I want to remain a normal high school girl.

Staying under the radar, out of the spotlight, is my only goal.

I’m not incredibly pretty, nor smart; I’m not even tall, but I’m a mystery.

That little fact makes me an oddity, a story to be dissected. I came to the small city of Nampa, Idaho two years ago. I am an orphan. I don’t, infact, in fact remember my parents. The lack of those memories, that tiny thing, makes me cringe at the thought,Period here, not a comma. do I think you meant "Due". to that truth, and some . . . other things, I am different.

But I doubt you picked up this, my story, to listen to an angsty teenager ramble on about how horrid her life is, so, on to my other words.

Do you truly believe we were meant for greater things then feeding the dog? As I also stated earlier, i I do.

thanks, i am pretty sure i got all the things you suggested, shook things up a bit, scrambled and unscrambled

I liked this and my attention was definitely caught by it. I think you've used some lovely techniques here and you have a unique style of writing. A few things I would change, and some grammar problems (in bold):

Do you believe that people have a destiny? Something greater then blending in with a crowd? Something more important then fitting in or getting good grades? Something more then a normal, mundane life? I do.
I hope it's true, if only because I am do none of the above. I don’t fit in, I don’t get good grades, but I do have a wonderfully normal life . . . for now.
My name is Jensen Jones.
I am a normal seventeen year old high schooler.
I want to remain a normal high school girl.
I want to Stay under the radar, out of the spotlight. This sentence is a fragment. Sometimes it works using them for effect but in this instance I would make it a complete sentence.
I'm not incredibly pretty, nor smart,; iI'm not even tall, but iI'm a mystery.
That little fact makes me an oddity, a story to be dissected. I came to the small city of Nampa, Idaho two years ago. I am an orphan. I don’t, in fact, remember my parents. A tiny thing that makes me cringe at the thought, thusly, I am different.
This last sentence needs some work. I'm not completely sure what you're trying to convey with it, but it seems like you're trying to contradict yourself with the first bit, so you need to include a connective there: it's a tiny thing, but/however/although it makes me cringe at the thought. 'Thusly' - I was about to say it's not a word, but it's an Americanism - whatever it is, it's sloppy English and I wouldn't use it. Anyway, it doesn't make sense, if (as the dictionary says) it means the same as 'thus'. I don't think you need a word here - you can use a colon. So the sentence becomes: 'It's a tiny thing, but it makes me cringe at the thought of it: I am different.'
But I doubt you picked up this, my story, to listen to an angsty teenager ramble on about how horrid 'Horrid' seems quite a trivial word to use here. Try 'awful' or 'horrible' her life is, so, on to my previous not sure about 'previous' here. It may be right that your character wrote the words previously, but I'd say you need to use something else. words.
Do you truly believe we were meant for greater things then feeding the dog? As I also stated earlier, I do.

Jensen (Jensey) Jones

Hello WolfDaemon! I'm Lydia and I will be your reviewer for today.

I am interested to see where this piece will go, I think you should write more and carry on with this, but first some nit-picks.

Something greater then blending with a crowd?

Something more then a normal, mundane life?

Im not incredibly pretty, nor smart, im not even tall, but im a mystery.

were meant for greater things then feeding the dog?