TheEnigma

You're right, this does read easily. Nevertheless, I'd recommend breaking it up a little, because it was quite long. I think your characters--especially Mina and your MC--were excellent. They were ...

Well, I've kind of forgotten the turtle and the hare story but I liked this a lot. If only I could win a couple tickets to Cuba that easily...ah, well. ...

You do a really good job creating a gloomy mood here. I liked your rhyme scene a lot. There were just a couple things I saw: is what it it ...

I have to say, I really enjoyed your main character. He has such an original voice. You did a very good job quickly injecting mystery and suspense into the story ...

I'm not sure why this is in romantic stories, but I really liked it anyways. Your hook was excellent. It told me right off who the main character was and ...

Heh, heh, I liked the scene where she dropped her binder. Maybe a little too dramatic, but you captured a lot of the awkwardness afterward. I won't nitpick 'cause it ...

Wow, it's really short but such a new idea. I have trouble picturing Bellatrix at age seventeen, standing in front of a mirror and moaning over her hair. That's so ...

It was a good start, but as you went on I grew confused, especially here: He was talking to someone next to me, clear as night as she was day ...

Wow, this was a lot of writing. I'm thinking maybe you should break it up a little. Bear with me as I review, I missed your first chapter so if ...

Many times we feel that having our birthday--especially our sixteenth-- will make us feel older or different in some way. But the way you told it--nothing really seems to change--was ...

Wow, I like this! It's such a great point of view to write from. Who would have thought to write from the point of view of a fish? No one, ...

Before I actually review this, I just have a couple quick suggestions on posting. For some reason you can't use the tab button when you post a story. So what ...

I like this--it's honest--but I think there are a few things you could expand upon. Here are my suggestions: "Tom! Get up!" I could hear Jane screaming from downstairs. Ugh, ...

Your first couple sentences are great. You hooked me right away and set the scene at the same time. Of course, this is short for a first chapter (though you ...

This is great! That was a total twist at the end. I wasn't expecting it at all. I was sure this was going to be a tragic story of hopelessness ...