OMG! So, it has been like SO long since I have updated this story and I'm super sorry. So here is a brief recap on what has recently happened. Tom has learned new things about Sam, as she has with him. Basically part 3 was a 'get to know eachother' chapter. Some things in this I realise now sound very Edward Cullen! LOL! So, please review and check out the previous chapters if you can!
"Tom! Get up!" I could hear Jane screaming from downstairs. Ugh, I hate mornings. What was that sound? Must have been my stomach, I was starving.
I threw on the usual, gelled my hair, sprayed some LYNX and went downstairs to the kitchen and ate. What should I do today...I could call Decks, I could call Sam or Jenny or Larry. Maybe later, now just didn't seem like the time.
There were a good few letters lying around actually, mostly bills. I wondered if Jane was coping with them? She does get income money, after all she run's an orphanage. Ah, she was probably fine.
I made soothing circles on my temples with my thumbs. It was early for me, only 10am. I decided that texting Decko might be a good idea for today. I needed a bit of fun and someone to wake me up. I was basically sleeping with open eyes after all.
We met up in town, shopped around for a bit.
"You alright mate?" He asked, jokingly punching my left arm.
"Yeah, Man. Why?"
"You look like it's your time of month or something. Isn't chocolate supposed to help that?" He laughed.
"Shut up you, just a little worried about Sam." I'd been thinking about what she'd said to me, about her father. I wondered if she was okay now.
"What is it with this bird anyways? It's like she holds a magnetic force on you and makes you act gay!" Decko. Good old Decko. Couldn't take anything seriously, ever.
"Never mind man, forget about it." I was done with the comments now.
"Oh hey, I might need your help with something..." He stared down at the ground and played his left shoelace with his right foot.
"Oh God what have you done?"
"Nothing! It wasn't me...it was Mark, Paulis and all them..."
"What did they do?" Hmm...this seemed a little sketchy.
"They ratted back to Michael Hardin that I snogged Jess, I'm in for a kick in the ass whenever."
"Awh man. Why did you?"
"She's a bird."
"She's going out with one of the leading members of a London gang and you snogged her? How is that in any way smart at all?"
"I never said it was smart..."
"Good!"
"So are you going to help me or not?"
"What exactly do you need my help with?"
"I need you to do something...make up an excuse. Get talking to him and-"
"No no no no! No way! I'm not talking to him. Do you want me to get my head pounded in? Don't answer that."
"Man come on! I'm in trouble! I would help you!"
"I wouldn't snog somebody else's girlfriend!"
"Which is why you are the coolest person ever!"
"Alright, I'll help. What will I do?"
"Become friends with him, make him see I'm not that bad. Make him think I didn't know she was his!"
"How do I become his mate?"
"You know Mark and Paulis? You are kind of friends with them right? Well, they are friends with him. So, hang out with them more and then get talking to Michael."
"Okay, I'll see if they are going to h2o okay?" h2o was a disco, everyone went there.
"Yep. Tell me what happens.
"Will do."
"See ya man, I'm gonna call Sam, I'll talk to you later."
"OK, seeya Man," He waved and headed off in the oposite direction.
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Okay, so this was not very iventful, I know. But I promise the next chapter will be. More romantic too! Don't forget to check out the other chapters. SPOILER: Tom is gonna become friends with Michael and Mark and Paul and mix in with all the wrong people. Basically, he's gonna become a bit of an asswhole :L Then, he's gonna regret it for certain reasons and he won't be there for Sam when she really needs him. All in futer chapters so if you want to find out read the next piece when I post it. Also, I love reviewing work so if you want a review let me know.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
I like this--it's honest--but I think there are a few things you could expand upon. Here are my suggestions:
This scene seems a little rushed. If your MC hates mornings so much, he should be slow to get out of bed, and get dressed and ready, even if he is hungry. The first sentence of the second paragraph was just a series of fast actions that suggest he got over his morning grumps quickly. Slowing things down would add a lot to his character and give you a chance to describe a few things about him.
You could add in little things like actions and muttering to himself that suggest he's not too pleased to be getting up so early. You could have him slowly rolling or half-falling out of bed. Another good way to show he's not a morning person is to have him look in a mirror and use this to describe him. Just some ideas.
The dialogue between Decko and Tom was great. They sounded like real teenage guys. Again, though, little actions like shaking/nodding of the head or hand movements can really add to what they're saying. Actions can emphasize some of your dialogue. They don't have to be in every line of dialogue, just in some more important ones.
You had a really good example of this in one place:
Having Decko fiddle with his shoelace was a clever way to show how he was feeling. It also gave your MC something to react to. Nice.
Overall, I liked this quite a bit. The dialogue was pretty enjoyable. Decko sounds like a real schemer! Do I smell trouble up ahead? You just need to add some details here and there, that's all. Good writing.