Published August 18, 2010
The rain is cool and just a drizzle,
it almost feels nice on my skin.
The clouds are looking a bit too dismal,
standing outside my gloomy inn.
My home, my dungeon,
is what it is to me.
A place not too common,
with not a single living tree.
Gray, gray, everyday,
making me feel so isolated.
I hope one day it all goes away,
so cold I feel refrigerated.
Would you help me out of this state,
out of this sad sad world that's mine?
Or is my time up, is it way too late?
From this darkness have I grown blind?
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141,462 Literary Works • 674,482 Reviews
although a little rough around the edges, this certainly conveys the emotion it intends to and very well too. i think using slightly more interesting descriptive words will make it just that little bit deeper and improve it so much with so little effort.
I liked the idea and the theme a lot. And you did a great job setting the mood! I do have to point out that "refrigerated" is kind of and odd word to use... And it seems a bit cliche and sounds like you only used it for the sake of rhyme. Also, I noticed that you lacked needed punctuation in areas... Perhaps you could read back through it and try to fix this? It helps the readers better understand it when you use correct punctuation.
Overall, this is fantastic! Good job and keep writing!
~~Lukan~~
Hello! You do a good job here of creating a gloomy mood, so well done. There are just a couple of things I think could be improved:
"Nice" isnt a very descriptive word. How does it feel nice? Is it refreshing, perhaps? I want to know more.
I feel like you're talking about trees here just to make it rhyme. What do trees have to do to anything? Does this image add anything to the poem?
Again, this feels a little forced, and sort of out of place. Don't be held hostage by your rhyming scheme - you're in control of the poem! Maybe have an experiment with different rhyming schemes, or using no rhyming scheme at all, or think of something that sounds a bit more natural.
I like the way you ended the poem, with the questions, and particularly the last line. I just think that some parts could sound less forced. Good job!
Great conclusion. The overall theme of depression was captured fairly well including your mention of feeling cold, the lack of living trees representative of energy and life, and the seemingly permanent dungeon. I liked how you stuck to the theme from the start of the poem to the end. Every descriptive word used felt like it belonged and ultimately the conclusion was the metaphorical icing of the cake.
Sincerely,
-Elitehusky
You do a really good job creating a gloomy mood here. I liked your rhyme scene a lot. There were just a couple things I saw:
I don't know, "refrigerated" fits well with the rhyme scene but it's kind of an odd word to include in a poem. But that's just me.
Otherwise, I really liked this!