Squall

“Fine,” he turned to a computer sitting on his desk, “full name?” The word "computer" kinda killed the mood for me. This is a place of fantasy and by using ...

Oh dang lol.... Kyle is a girl's name and I thought that Kyle is a girl -.- My bad lol. "goes to edit last part of crit"

I see now, that you are far to enshrouded in light to be of any use to me. Thus, you must be disposed of. Excellent dialogue. However, isn't it "too" ...

Chapter 3 is now complete. Hope you will enjoy it :) For those that had read this before, part 1 ended at: “The Shadowmeres will just have to rip her ...

The quiet crunching of snow filled the night. Step by step, Crystal walked in heavy footfalls, seeming to sink deeper each time. Excellent! Sets the mood of the story straight ...

I like the idea to this. The beginning is kind of info dumpy. I think you should rephase it a bit. Just make sure that this piece isn't over the ...

I think this works well with a rap background. Some of the lyrics don't really work well (e.g:I'm not your boomerang) I dunno, probably because a boomerang isn't really human ...

The rhyming in this needs some work. Otherwise, the lyrics seem very appropiate for this song. Good work.

Judging from the title, this chapter was quite predictable. I think it could had been more metaphoric or something that doesn't reveal the conflict in the chapter. I won't do ...

I think this was good. Well described and well imagined. You pictured your MC well. It's quite well written, but jumps too much. I also think you could had characterized ...

Another good chapter. Nice pace and interesting turn of events. I liked chapter 2 more though, because of the mystery that surrounds that chapter. I also noticed you used common ...

“Holy hell!” the cut grew together in an instant, leaving no sign of ever being there. I think there is a puncuation error here. It seems like it. He thought ...

I quite liked this. It flowed along very well and I love the descriptions you used. It was fresh and really reflect the characters. I'm interested to see how the ...

Couch works I think.

Another good part. Well done. I wonder who is this girl. I have a feeling they would get into a relationship lol. One problem is that there isn't much description ...