Snoink

¡Ay de mi! Well, tomorrow has come and gone, and now I am stuck on a cliffhanger. This will never do.... The beginning is a little simple for my tastes, ...

This seems more like an exercise in finding the words to say? At least, I do writing exercises with this sort of stuff all the time in poetry. Maybe you ...

OMG. The narration of this TOTALLY reminds me of "Sin City." I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not... I know that while I was watching "Sin City" ...

First, don't just continue it because we like it. That would be bad. Continue it despite what we like because you like it. That's a better method. :) In the ...

The whole thing is much too fragmented. The problem is that fragment sentences sound more exciting to us because they're quick and jerky and they make us react. The problem ...

Read, love, and memorize. If possible, by the book, which is well worth your money. You have to do better grammar than this, and the excuse that you're "bad at ...

Since this is a character story, that is, it is about how you developed into a better person, you're going to want to tweak the beginning a little bit. At ...

Heheh! I like the repetition of cross. It made my head spin, which was a good thing. (Or maybe the spinning because I need to eat?) In any case, it ...

Yay! We love first attempts! What you're going to want to do in your subsequent attempts at poetry, you'er going to want to present rich imagery of what you intend ...

Hehee... this belongs in the fiction forums. ;) Not bad. The main chaacter seems very obsessive compulsive... she should be fun to play with later. :)

Yeah... it's a cute children's poem, but I don't know. I can see it more easily as a picture book with tons of pictures than anything that Incan would consider ...

The line breaks are too jerky and give the poem a feeling of stop and go traffic. Not to say you have to make it completely fluid, but as it ...

I think you should drop the rhymes. I mean, for the most part you get away with it half-decently, but this line just sounds awkward: walking away swearing I just ...

My eyes can barely flicker open and the picture I see is fuzzy Er... I don't think "and" should be used to open up the next line. Perhaps you can ...

It seems a little bare at the moment, though it does have potential. I would like to seem some more pretty description starting with this line: Invite breath into your ...