Published October 16, 2006
A long pause,
A gaping mouth,
Jaw moving,
No sounds.
Meaningless gestures,
Occasional words,
But…Just…how,
Deep breath.
Head in hands,
Turn away,
No words,
Walks off.
She doesn’t know,
What I meant,
So she can’t,
Respond.
Speechless.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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141,285 Literary Works • 674,333 Reviews
This seems more like an exercise in finding the words to say? At least, I do writing exercises with this sort of stuff all the time in poetry. Maybe you do the same?
ANYWAY!
Try tweaking it. You can do this by reading it out loud and finding out where it seems to stop and not work. Like the line "But... Just... how" seemed to not work very well. There are several other lines like that.
Still, this is okay. I like that it is fragmented, giving a confusing feel to the entire piece. Your task? To make it less confusing.
Hi Shadow,
This reads like a mental exercise to break writer's block, as constrasted with a well-constructed and engaging poem. You've been attentive to the discord, but the narrative, phrasing and rhyming are laughable.
I seriously doubt that this is "reworkable" unless you restart from a clean sheet of paper.
All the best,
Brad
I like the poem
its rather sad and frustrating but its good
I wish i could right like that my poem ( demons )
Is a bit rubbish.
That is the best bit!
Charlotte
But…Just…how,
dont't capital just.
I am not sure, there was the mazimum of 3 words in a line... that sort of bugged me and the poem itself, sort of frightened me. I mean she couldn't speak? Why?
I think this is pretty decent how it is though there are some commas that shouldn't be there.... you don't need punctuation for every line dear.. somethign just bugs me with all the commas... though they are nessesary... hmm...
Nice job.