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Young Writers Society



Smoke Over Water

by Myth


One

A question had been playing on Calais’ mind for a while.

She toyed with her food, involuntarily separating everything into portions. Breakfast was always served at nine and consisted of boiled peas, lumpy mashed potato served with a blackish soup and a tall glass of water.

The servants of the house kept themselves hidden from Calais. Cousin Mildew didn’t want her to mingle with the servants or pick up their common ways. She never saw them lay the table or put out the fire in her room, and if she spotted them along the hallway they scattered like marbles across a sloped floor.

Cousin Mildew and Wilbur ignored her existence. Silence wafted around the room and settled around the four corners.

The room was bare and only contained a long table with high chairs around it. A chandelier hung from the ceiling, the crystal glass smudged by dirty fingers that had once replaced the lights. Calais looked up at them. They looked like moths in a glass and she imagined them fluttering inside.

Mildew extended a long arm and forced Calais’ head down. She was at the head of the table with Wilbur on her right and Calais on her left. The rest of the chairs were empty, pathetically hoping to be occupied one day.

Wilbur had finished his breakfast. Calais wasn’t surprised to find his plate gone and assumed a servant must have taken it away while she was preoccupied with the imaginary moths.

She shivered. It was cold as usual. The burning fire did little to warm them, the flames distracted her momentarily—she was sure something had moved among the logs and squinted for better vision. Her attention span was very short. She gave up and anxiety pushed her to draw attention.

“Cousin Mildew?”

The woman sipped her tea. Her thoughts were elsewhere while her ears were open for discussion, she hoped the child would forget it had spoken and leave the room. She saw the child’s mouth open from the corner of her eyes.

“Are you pregnant?”

Calais had plunged into the question. The words slipped out as if a foreign tongue had spoken them and she awaited her cousin’s response.

Mildew coughed and sent a spray of tea hissing across the table. The brown liquid rained onto the polished table and slid down the side of an empty frosted vase, a puddle formed around the base and quickly connected with other spots of splattered tea.

She gripped a hand around Calais’ collar and forced the girl to stand on her feet. They came face to face, breathing the same musty air. She had moved with such ferocity that the girl almost jumped in fear and fled the room.

“No!” Mildew screeched.

Calais’ eyes widened in awe at the woman’s anger. “Are you going to have any children?”

Mildew’s eyebrows shot up, hidden by a fringe of chopped black hair and she virtually screamed with fury. “What a thing to ask, insolent child!”

“It was only a question, Cousin. I’ve been thinking about your fortune,”

Wilbur snorted. His eyes scanned the words of his paper at an impossible rate, taking in information, yet he couldn’t help but listen to the conversation.

“What would you know about that?” Tight-lipped, Mildew eyed her suspiciously. The eyebrows descended and threatened to pulverise Calais with their V-shaped angle.

Calais held her guard. Her cousin wasn’t particularly a bright woman but saying the wrong thing would rouse a deadly notion inside her—she was notorious for experimenting on all the cruel ways, possible, to hurt a child.

“I want to know who gets everything when you’re dead,”

“Humph!” Mildew shoved her aside and sat comfortably on her chair. “You ought to know the answer, there are very few surviving members of our family left and your parents did leave everything to you,”

“Does this mean... you’ve been living on my inheritance all this time?”

Wilbur turned his paper to the crossword at the back. “Sew her lips, darling,” he said with irritation.

“Shut up,” Mildew said to Calais.

“All right.”

The matter was closed and Mildew wiped her lips with a napkin. She was tall and extremely thin, her bob cut gave her a boyish look and she dressed in tight trousers and shirts with ruffles—men’s clothes.

Wilbur, Mildew’s husband, was a bookish man. His dark hair was plastered to his skull and glossed to shine. He had thin lips, nothing but a long line pointed downward at the ends, to represent his mouth, and fathomless eyes that could see through lies and stone walls—he often knew when Calais was prying around downstairs. He was always wearing a tailored suit with a snuffbox hidden in the breast pocket.

The man frequently looked down at Calais through his gilt framed spectacles, sometimes he took them off to inflict a strange power of hypnosis over her. She didn’t like it when this happened.


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Fri Dec 08, 2006 3:53 pm
Myth says...



*falls off chair*

Jack: I really didn't expect that! Your hints are helpful and also brought a few questions to mind, but this will probably gather an inch of dust before I get back to editing it. Or perhaps I'm too lazy and it'll never get done. :P




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Fri Dec 08, 2006 1:18 pm
Firestarter wrote a review...



A question had been playing on Calais’ mind for a while.


I liked the start. It's a good hook -- but my problem here is you don't develop it for a couple of paragraphs so I was kind of like -- what? What's the question? Maybe if you developed this a little, added a little extra in each paragraph until you built up to the actual question being spoken, because it's a bit forgotten.

She toyed with her food, involuntarily separating everything into portions. Breakfast was always served at nine and consisted of boiled peas, lumpy mashed potato served with a blackish soup and a tall glass of water.


I think you could develop the first sentence -- make it more clear she's playing with her food because she's distracted. Maybe change the adverb" involuntarily" to something like "dreamily" to add to the idea. Right now I'm imagining here staring into space or something. Maybe fit that in?

Cousin Mildew and Wilbur ignored her existence. Silence wafted around the room and settled around the four corners.


Ack, tense problem. You're kind of talking about the past and present, about what happens, and then you switch to the direct present right away. So it's rather confusing. Split "Silence wafted ..." into a new paragraph, and edit the first sentence to make it clear you're talking about the present. Something like "Cousin Mildew and Wilbur were ignoring her existence." Unless you're talking generally about all the time? You need to clear up this confuddlement.

The room was bare and only contained a long table with high chairs around it. A chandelier hung from the ceiling, the crystal glass smudged by dirty fingers that had once replaced the lights. Calais looked up at them. They looked like moths in a glass and she imagined them fluttering inside.


I think putting "only" after "contained" sounds better. I like the idea of Calais staring up at the chandelier, adds to the dreamy/distracted feeling. Still no mention of this question though!

She shivered. It was cold as usual. The burning fire did little to warm them, the flames distracted her momentarily—she was sure something had moved among the logs and squinted for better vision. Her attention span was very short. She gave up and anxiety pushed her to draw attention.


Insert a "though" before "the flames" and it flows better, I think. The repetition of attention could probably be avoided.

“Are you pregnant?”

Calais had plunged into the question. The words slipped out as if a foreign tongue had spoken them and she awaited her cousin’s response.


At last! The question! lol. It had been forgotten before now. You really need to refer to it more often right now.

I do have one suggestion as to how you could restructure it. You could either place the first sentence of the piece -- "A question had been playing on Calais’ mind for a while." just before she asks the actual question, because that makes more sense, or you could avoid the descriptions you've put in right now and move the above part to the beginning. So that's three different methods I'd suggest to alter the beginning - (a) refer to the question more and build up to it better, (b) move the first line of the piece to here or (c) move the above part to the beginning.

She gripped a hand around Calais’ collar and forced the girl to stand on her feet. They came face to face, breathing the same musty air. She had moved with such ferocity that the girl almost jumped in fear and fled the room.

“No!” Mildew screeched.


Hehe, I liked this part, don't know why.

“It was only a question, Cousin. I’ve been thinking about your fortune,”


Full-stop instead of comma.

I much preferred the ending to the beginning. The characters seemed to come out more -- the trapped Calais, the angry and horrible Mildew and the aloof Wilbur. I just think what I suggested about the question make the first part flow better and insert us into the action a bit quicker. A lot of the description at the start could probably be cut out -- I didn't want to run around your piece armed with a scissor, because you can probably work out what doesn't need to be there eventually.

Otherwise, this story does not suck! It's just a question of changing the beginning to make us more interested in actual action. I'd like to see more!




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Thu Oct 26, 2006 12:59 pm
Myth says...



Oh... Sorry!

Not bad. The main chaacter seems very obsessive compulsive... she should be fun to play with later.


Thanks. Obsessive...? I didn't realise. Does anyone else think the same?

Edited version is up.




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Thu Oct 26, 2006 2:23 am
Snoink wrote a review...



Hehee... this belongs in the fiction forums. ;)

Not bad. The main chaacter seems very obsessive compulsive... she should be fun to play with later. :)




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Wed Oct 25, 2006 12:58 pm
Wiggy says...



No prob! Anytime...:D




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Wed Oct 25, 2006 12:47 pm
Myth says...



OK that was a quick reply. :P

Thanks for looking it over, Wiggy.




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Wed Oct 25, 2006 12:38 pm
Wiggy wrote a review...



I liked the plot! It sounds interesting enough, but near the first part you seem to repeat information a lot. Also, make sure you keep the same tenses throughout. There was some instances where you lapped into present tense instead of past tense such as in this sentence:

It was cold as usually.


Usually is normally a present tense word. I believe the correct form would be, "It was cold as usual."

“Servants are like smoke on water, they are always present but never seen in our eyes,” Mildew had once said. Calais was unsure of what this meant.


This sentence seemed out of place. Besides connecting two separate sentences (at water/they), it doesn't move the story forward. It just seems like it's thrown in there.

Mildew coughed and then sent a spray of tea


No need for "then."

A few more times you repeated these mistakes in other sentences, which I won't go into detail of. I'm sure you can find them if you look. :D

This story sounds really good so far! I loved the part about Cousin Mildew being pregnant. It was a really clever plot twist! Keep writing this, but try to keep the grammatical errors I pointed out in mind, and also I'd say add a little more action to the story. It was kind of dry as far as that goes.

Again, great job Mythie, and I hope to hear more of this story!

Wiggy ;)





Writing is the geometry of the soul.
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