Sam

This is sounding pretty polished already, so I don't have enough material to comprise a full critique, but there are two things that I think might help you out with ...

Sure! Whatever you think is good for the story- I just thought it might be a good idea. I've had bad experiences...Snoink told me to change my tense, and I ...

Pff, this was a looong time ago...that's okay, though. I may do something with it yet still- mainly because I like the setting. Hooray for peripatetic readers!

PFF, this was the intro to my NaNoWriMo, ended up very weird. Glad you liked it, though! :P Thanks again for reading, guys.

PFF, hehe, that makes sense...keep that line in there, then. Perhaps the very first line? Start with a bang. What's this for, exactly?

I got that too...she was totally Deidre. :P Duckie- you're welcome! *exalts* That's such an excellent theme, especially with your topic. I'll look carefully for that on the next chapters, ...

Thanks for reading, Myth! Yeah...I thought that piece was a little lacking, as well, but hey- rewriting is fun, too. :wink: Thanks again!

I figured out she was his nanny...but not until reading it over three or four times. :wink: Unfortunately, all of my ancestors lived in the UK, so I can't join ...

What? It's...what? :wink: Thanks, guys! This is majorly appreciated in the bleak world of Nano- and now I've got something to practice editing. I'll lengthen it and look at that ...

Welcome! School...ah, that would explain it. :wink: Though, it just sort of surprised me. You sound like you've 'written it before' and it just seemed kind of like a silly ...

A major TV show? That could add a lot of fun conflict. :D Good idea... And MSN? Yup!

I read it just for fun- and loved it, too. Good stuff. I second the recommendation, if you haven't read it yet.

Thanks, Imp! Excellent sentence ideas- I'll play with those in a bit. :D As soon as I figure out how to post the rest of this so that it doesn't ...

Oh, dear. :wink: Well...you guys shall have to tell me if it makes sense in a little bit- and if it's still a hinderance, I'll elaborate. Snoinkus- Douglas Adams? *glee, ...

THE EXTREMELY CRITICAL HORRIBLE PART [FOR SECTION TWO]: 1) 'Big brown eyes, stringy black hair, short, and cute. ' The order of this is sort of confusing- is her hair ...