z

Young Writers Society



What Would Happen If I Didn't Have You

by AmericanDreamGirl


Here is chapter 1, it's really short and i'd like some feedback! haha. anyways it's about a mom, her 8 year old girl and a new boyfriend who will come in on chapter 2 or 3. Anyways Enjoy!

Characters for Chapter 1:

Teri-Mom

Emerson-Daughter

Teri paced around the room wondering about her daughter and the impact it would have on her if she started dating again,Emerson walked in to find her mom standing there staring a picture of her and Emerson."Mommy," Emerson said to attract her mom's attention. Teri turned around to the the sound of her daughters' voice."Hey hunnie," Teri said to Emerson. "What are you doing?" She asked her mom in curiosity. "Oh, well im thinking about something"she stated "Oh, what are you thinking about? You can tell me anything" Emerson stated hoping it was okay to ask "Oh,would you let mommy go out on date tonight?" She looked at Emerson "Yeah, mommy i want you to be happy." Emerson said walking over to her mom slowly giving her a hug and a kiss and Teri picked her up into her arms "You know Emerson, would you like to go to Austrailia with me next month?" Emerson's eyes just lit up "are you serious?" she asked "yes, im dead serious" Teri said smiling, and Emerson just giggled "I'd be happy to" giving her another kiss.

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Tue Oct 03, 2006 1:09 am
Sam says...



A major TV show? That could add a lot of fun conflict. :D Good idea...

And MSN? Yup! genevotes4pedro@yahoo.com




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Sat Sep 30, 2006 6:41 pm
Emerson wrote a review...



It seems everyone has gone over this a good number of times for grammar and what not.

Since its a beginning, my only comment is that you make it more catching. Try to give us more information on why Teri is a single mother, and who she wants to date, and how old are they all? Is Emerson a little girl, or a teenager? But be careful not to info dump when you do these things.

Like I said, make it more catching. Beginnings are usually where something changes with the characters, what is changing for Teri/Emerson that made the story start?

Hope I helped...




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Sat Sep 30, 2006 6:20 pm
aeroman wrote a review...



Okay, well I'm sticking to my promise, I'm sorry that I haven't been able to get to crit your work till now. But here we go! First of all I'm going to fix some things. I will bold the stuff that I changed. Some of the grammar stuff I will change is just how I personally would do it

AmericanDreamGirl wrote:Teri paced around the room, wondering about her daughter and the impact it would have on her if she started dating again.

Emerson walked in, finding her mommy (making it mommy gives it more of a feel for the child being young) standing there staring a picture of them together.

"Mommy," Emerson said, attracting her mom's attention.

Teri turned around to the the sound of her daughters' voice.

"Hey hunnie," Teri said.

"What are you doing?" She asked her mom in curiosity.

"Oh, well im thinking about something,"she stated.

"What are you thinking about? You can tell me anything!" Emerson said(whatever word you want) hoping it was okay to ask.(I got rid of the Oh since you just said it in the last line also, I got rid of stated because its being used too much in my opinion.)

"Would you let mommy please go out on date tonight?" She looked at Emerson.

"Yeah, mommy i want you to be happy." Emerson said walking over to her mom, slowly giving her a hug, and a kiss.

Teri picked her up into her arms.

"You know Emerson, would you like to go to Austrailia with me next month?"

Emerson's eyes just lit up, "Are you serious?" She asked.

"Yes, im dead serious." Teri said smiling, and Emerson just giggled.

"I'd be happy to!" She yelled, giving her another kiss.


To begin with, you have a lot of grammatical errors that you need to work on. When you write, always proof read over and over again. I have also had a problem with commas and tend to make mistakes, but it seemed like you almost wrote this in a hurry.

You need to organize everything better, separate the dialogue and the different paragraphs.

Finally, you used a lot of repetitive words, like said and stated. Try to look around for the words you use a lot when you proof read and then when you find one too much, change it up and use a different word. I always keep dictionary.com handy when I am proof reading so I can do that really quickly.

Overall, its a good beginning to a story that I'm interested to see how it unfolds. You can go anywhere with this, so create some good descriptions throughout it. Keep up the great work, hopefully my crit helps. See ya around!

-aero




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Sat Sep 30, 2006 1:36 pm



- What type of job does a single mom have to have that allows her to take her daughter to Australia?

Teri is an Actress for a major tv show! lol hehe maybe yall might know what show im talking about or mayble you wont.

sam do you msn?




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Sat Sep 30, 2006 4:43 am
Sam wrote a review...



Hey!

Let me format this really quickly and then we shall get started on the more substantial things, all right?

Teri paced around the room, wondering about her daughter and the impact it would have on her if she started dating again. Emerson walked in to find her mom standing there staring a picture of the two of them.

"Mommy?" Emerson said to attract her mom's attention. Teri turned around to the the sound of her daughters' voice.

"Hey honey," Teri said to Emerson.

"What are you doing?" she asked her mom in curiosity.

"Oh, well, I'm thinking about something" she stated.

"Oh, what are you thinking about? You can tell me anything," Emerson stated, hoping it was okay to ask.

"Oh, would you let mommy go out on date tonight?" She looked at Emerson.

"Yeah, mommy, I want you to be happy." Emerson said, walking over to her mom slowly. She gave her a hug and a kiss, and Teri picked her up into her arms.

"You know, Emerson, would you like to go to Austraiia with me next month?"

Emerson's eyes just lit up. "Are you serious?" she asked.

"Yes, I'm dead serious," Teri said, smiling, and Emerson just giggled.

"I'd be happy to," she said, giving her another kiss.


BORING STUFF FIRST:

...grammar! It's exciting, no? :wink:

A BASIC TIP FOR GRAMMAR: Write everything like you were going to give it to your English teacher. Obviously this doesn't apply to content (I'm *cough* certainly not going to hand in that make-out scene, am I?), but try to think about grammar and spelling this way. Double check it- and pay extra attention while you're writing.

COMMAS: Commas go after and before appositives (those little words you stick in the middle of sentences, like a character's name).

Put a comma in after a dependent clause (a piece of a sentence that doesn't quite sound right by itself, like 'Because Emerson was going to Australia...')

You'd also stick one in before the conjunction in a compound sentence. ('Emerson was going to Australia, and Teri was coming too'.)

In dialogue, put a comma before the closing quotation mark if you're linking it to a verb like 'said', 'asked', or some such thing. You'd stick with a period if you're following with a phrase that doesn't pertain to the speech- 'Emerson ran from Teri' would be an example.

A TIP FOR PRACTICING GRAMMAR: Study up on your sentence structure and punctuation and use it when you IM. It might take a little longer to say what you want to- but you'll get faster at it after awhile. It's still English- just correct English. :wink:

GENERAL TIPS- WHICH ARE MUCH MORE FUN THAN GRAMMAR:

- What type of job does a single mom have to have that allows her to take her daughter to Australia? Discuss.

- Description is always a good thing. In this scene, I would focus on describing Teri and Emerson's mannerisms, how they speak, their surroundings, and the picture that Teri looks at in the beginning. This'll help flesh the story out (quirky details tend to stick with the reader).

- Do a few character development activities from Snoink's group- they're fun, harmless, and help flesh out any story.

- Another thing on description: focus in on the family situation. How is Emerson going to spend her time while her mom is gone?

STUFF I REALLY LIKED:

- I quite liked your names. 'Teri' is very Suburban Housewife, but 'Emerson' is very exotic- it's the perfect balance.

- I think the plot is going to be great. It's a little clichèd, but hey, you've got some characters that will really knock our socks off when the action gets going.

If you've got any questions, feel free to PM me. :D




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Fri Sep 29, 2006 11:44 pm



Thanks, i have some work to do then! haha




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Fri Sep 29, 2006 9:27 pm
Doctor Kitty wrote a review...



Ok. First of all, remember that having stories in one big huge block paragraph is bad. Every time a new person speaks, indent.

Teri paced around the room wondering about her daughter and the impact it would have on her if she started dating again,

Impact on who? A little unspecific. Also, full stop. You need a period instead of a comma.

"Mommy," Emerson said to attract her mom's attention. Teri turned around to the the sound of her daughters' voice."Hey hunnie," Teri said to Emerson. "What are you doing?" She asked her mom in curiosity.

"to attract her mom's attention" states the obvious, and really isn't needed.
As for the green section, you could combine these two sentences and make it flow much better. Something like, "'Hey, honey,' Teri said to Emerson, turning around to the sound of her daughter's voice."
Here, instead of 'in curiosity' you could simply use 'curiously.'

"Oh, well im thinking about something"she stated "Oh, what are you thinking about? You can tell me anything" Emerson stated hoping it was okay to ask "Oh,would you let mommy go out on date tonight?" She looked at Emerson "Yeah, mommy i want you to be happy." Emerson said walking over to her mom slowly giving her a hug and a kiss and Teri picked her up into her arms

Punctuation punctuation punctuation.
Not needed. The reader can already figure out that they are looking at each other.
Punctuation again. Also, to make this flow better, consider using words such as "while" and "as." Look at this: "Yeah, Mommy, I want you to be happy." Emerson said, walking to her mom, giving her a kiss as she picked her up into her arms."
Since Teri takes Emerson into her arms, mentioning that they hugged is almost redundant, though it's only my opinion and is up to you.
As for the rest of it, remember punctuation and capitalization.

And remember, since "Mommy" is being used as a direct label, it should be capitalized.
For example: Capitalized: "She gave Mommy a hug."
Not capitalized: "She gave her mom a hug."

There are words other than "said." Consider using words such as 'asked,' 'stated,' 'declared,' etc, but don't go too overboard with fancy words. Snoink or someone made a whole list of 'said' words a while back. You might want to take a look at it.

This definitely needs some work, but you can turn it into anything you want. Add adjectives and conjunctions; spice things up with creative descriptions. Right now, it's a little "She did this. Then she did that." With some work, you can really make it flow and place a picture in the reader's head.





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