Sam

"Inside, a youthful girl" ACK!!! NO!!! Jack! You don't need to say things twice! If the character's a girl, then we can probably infer that she's pretty youthful, yes? So ...

"The ground… or is it a floor? But what floor? Whose floor? Did you roll out of bed?" AUGH! I don't want to be confronted with so many questions at ...

"For once she wished her Father would sleep through one of her late night crusades. " And then two paragraphs later... "if there was one thing she wished for more ...

Especially if it's an (older) guy...then that would be creepy. Shoves and bruises in the crush of the crowd. Moving past the sailors and the aristocrats, the recruitment sergeants and ...

The only thing I noticed was that they would have stripped off HER shirt, not his shirt, to make the whipping more severe. Why the heck does he need to ...

I read it and it was pretty good, but sometimes the diary's pretty awkwardly phrased so you've really just got to pay attention to the ideas behind it and not ...

Harry Potter spoofs are always interesting...:P One line that pretty much irked me: 'He called the authorities and told us to get packed, we were going to go to our ...

'‘My, that one was a doozy,’ Fred commented dryly. ‘Indeed – truly smashing,’ I added. ' HAHAHAHA! And, nice play on words...or that's at least what I think you'd call ...

Yeah, I have to say that your dialogue was very well done. However, the entire reason that they rush ahead of the rest of the tribe is not very well ...

I love the first paragraph...chocolate cherries...oh yes, you must keep that in there. :P 'Shortly after reading that story, you stopped reading our stories. Which, I suppose, was a good ...

You get extra points because you're twelve too but you lose some because she hates math. :P ' Today her science class was going on a field trip, which meant ...

The history geek in me loved it. :P However, the thrill-seeker was bored- with this cliched of a plot (so far) you're going to have to work really hard to ...

I'd really study footage of the London bombings if you're going to go anywhere with this. It was pretty good; I got the plot and all but it was really ...

Ah! So she at first appears as a hick...BUT NO...she has a basic knowledge of chemistry! The plot thickens! Although, you're sex scene...but still pretty drastic. Nice. :D

Haze's got the grammatical stuff, but my one thing that I didn't like about it was that you got the feeling that there was supposed to be something huge going ...