Rei

What she said. But you've got some great descriptive details, especially in the first paragraph. At times, though, they were a bit much. Careful about the descriptive passages. Sometimes if ...

Nice. It's got simple, conversational language, which is exactly what this type of song should have, but it still expresses all the feelings in it with as much power as ...

The beginning is all right. It's all very believable. But when the narrative drops out and all you have is dialogue, it's kind of hard to follow since you don't ...

The whole thing looks very unprofessional, in my opinion. You've got very poor punctuation, for one thing. There many many sentences all rolled into one here. I would change the ...

My suggestion: slow down, pace yourself. This is less than 1500 words, when it could easily be three or four chapters each twice that length. Take your time to set ...

This was very whiny and boring. The sort of effect you want to create with such a poem, I'm assuming, is to gain sympathy. When I read this, all it ...

I think a better way of putting "good for your age" would be to say that this is definitely above average for one in her age group. Personally, I try ...

This is really very beautiful. The metephore of ripples on water is very powerful and easy to understand. One thing you could do to improve it is to break most ...

This is great. You've created a very believable situation, with strong images and a character I can feel sympathy for. I look forward to seeing what happens next. I have ...

Very interesting. Definitely speaks to our culture today, and the struggles we face. But it also seemed kind of defeatist, and borders on existentialism. There's no point in trying not ...

There was nothing about this that made me want to read beyond the first few sentences. Your language was very wooden, and there was really nothing about it to distinguish ...

Wow. Very disturbing. Great tension. This had a bunch of the things I normally don't like to see, like present-tense narative, lack of information, and very sparse visuals, used exactly ...

A promsing start. It got my attention pretty quickly. The tone and diction were great. My only suggestion is to give us more of everything: sight and sound imagery, visual ...

Pretty good. You hooked me within the first few sentences. The tone was appropirate, and you definitely made me want to know more. There are a few grammar notes I ...

To be blunt: stereotypical, whiny, teenangst poetry. I don't want to minimize the value of your feelings if this is true, but I'm looking at this objectively as an almost-professional ...