This is interesting. I does set the scene for a good story ... except as the others have already mentioned, things like grammer and organisation of the content bring it down.
I am so tired……..tired of morals, tired of hate, tired of sanity, tired of blood lust, tired of judgment, tired of corruption, tired of saving people, tired of punishing crimes, tire of power, tired of life.
The basic idea of this is good. I know how it feels to be sick to death of everything. Even things that should seem good. But ... the grammer is bringing you down I'm afraid. Firstly, dot dot dots are just that, dot dot dots. Three dots. And only three.
Secondly ... the tired thing bugs me too. Maybe if you put "tired" at the beginning so you won't have to repeat it, like:
I am so tired ... tired of morals, hate, sanity, blood lust, judgement, corruption, saving people, punishing crimes, power, and tired of life.
Still, this list might be a little long. You could try to cut some of the less important ones out, that might help.
how I wish I could forget, forget the lies, forget the truth, forget about anger, forget about death……..
Capital letters begin sentences. Remember that, it's a compulsory rule, not an optional one. Starting sentences with capitals and remembering fullstops exist gets you half way towards people taking your work seriously.
Now, the forget thing is the same as the tired one. Too repetative, but the list of things this person is tired of is a more managable length, which is good.
it has been so long since I slept, it has been so long since iv dreamt, I wonder if I am going mad, it seams like what ever I do to fight the darkness, it just comes back stronger and more eager for the fight and when I ever I fight the light I wind up fighting a different kind of darkness.
iv is spelt "I've" when you're writing something you want people to take seriously. Just look at Fontroy. He's improving on the chat speak thing, but still, that was ANNOYING when he did it.
Also, try to remember that sentences are single ... things. Bugger, I've fogotten. Now I've made myself look dumb ... oh well, on with the critique. I think the gist of it is try to only get one action or thought in a sentence. There are a couple of places I'd use fullstops instead of commas, eg, I'd have I wonder if I am going mad as a sentence on it's own.
... and "seam" is actually spelt "seem".
They both lie and they both cheat, well I’m tired of fighting for them, I have seen both sides the righteous become what they were trying to destroy and the wicked…..well there just madmen and fools.
Put a fullstop or comma (if comma then put a fullstop after "I'm tired of fighting for them") after "I have seen both sides" and maybe a comma after "destroy". Also, only three dot dot dots.
I need to finish this some other time, my brother is demanding access to the computer.
Points: 890
Reviews: 221
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