PerforatedxHearts

Basically everything what Icaruss said. Plus, this sentence seems awkward: Do you think Ellie (that girl you sit next to in art) would ever go out with me. (By the ...

Umm...this was...okay. I honestly failed to realize a point to this. Besides rambling on, and on, and on about her "dreamboy". Or Sean, or whatever. Plus, this: Dynamic and in ...

Ditto these two. But besides the interesting name (Trickster), there's not really anything that stands out from this story so far. Try experimenting with different intros and settings. The new ...

Good start. Thank God your grammar is basically impeccable [I hope I'm using the right word], and you've already established your characters nicely. What stands out about this story, one ...

So since Snoik and Pol have already said mostly what's been said. So in a compressed checklist here's what you need to work on: -[POV]. Never, never, NEVVAAA!!!! switch point ...

As far as the romance goes (and i have never read the story you based it on), it seems like a classic romantic evening. But...I don't know, I guess it's ...

This is adorable, even if I haven't read the other chapters. But the "problem" with this story is that, and I'll ignore all grammar mistakes, it needs something more catchy ...

Yes, please check the grammar. But what I liked about this was that as the story "intensified" towards the middle, becoming more "pretty" and lyrical. The problem is that your ...

I agree with extrastapled, and if you want to get "serious" about this sort of genre, then don't be ashamed of the sex scene. And besides building up too fast, ...

Gaahhhh. *Covers face* Scaryscaryscary. The writing was very detailed and your choice of words and sentence structure and all that good stuff just made it a little more scarier, if ...

You've switched, in the beginning, from past tense (with the "ed"'s and such) to present tense, with "she points". It's very brief, but it is still annoying. And besides some ...

Hm. It'd be nice if you actually posted an actual story....? Also, I'm not sure whether you meant it to be or not, but the prologue seems more of a ...

Yes. I loved reading such diaries, though I think the genre's become somewhat of a cliche. I agree with KingKamor, about the sentence structure, and yes, you do need to ...

Again, this is beautiful, as always. You really do have a good grasp on the English language and know how to manipulate words and emotions to your advantage. As you ...

I read it. I like it. And I will now comment on it. XD and being paid over ninety thousand bucks a year. This phrase sounds so different from the ...