This is the diary of Autumn Day Blake. Do not read the contents of this journal or you will suffer the consequences!
Namely, extreme boredom.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2006
My life sucks! Its official, no one has it worse than me. I saw Cross today. We were at Wal-Mart and I saw him in the men’s section. I was there with Alyson trying on boxers in the middle of the aisle and making a total fool of myself. Dear God…, Cross saw me in boxers singing “Some Girls” by J.C. Chasez in the middle of Wal-Mart. Not exactly the best way to make your first impression, right? Wrong! Cross started laughing hysterically, which by the way only added to my humiliation, and then he said, and I quote: “You know Autumn, you’re really funny”. First of all, Cross Taylor knows my name. Hold on a minute while I bask in my euphoria.
-Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala-
Ok, I’m done.
So, after all that we (and by we I mean me, Alyson was still laughing) were just standing there wide eyed in shock. I mean seriously, I was like a deer in head lights. Actually I wish I was a deer in head lights, then I would not have been able to further humiliate myself.
“Hey Craig, I um, I mean Cross. Sorry my dog’s name is Craig, sorry. I have no idea why I did that. Call you Craig I mean, cause I know your name. It’s not that I don’t know your name or anything, because I do. I mean you’re in some of my classes, and we’ve spoken before y’know?”
Can you believe I was rambling on like that? It was like Rapid fire! I was literally talking a mile a minute. And Craig! Craig died when I was NINE! Why on God’s green earth would I call Cross Taylor, Craig?!?
Someone please shoot me!
Ally wound up saving me by calling me a spaz and asking Cross to forgive me for my stupidity, if you can call that help. He smiled this dazzling white smile; he’s got these perfect white teeth, and said “sure”. This was when my tongue started to work properly again.
“What the hell are you doing here?” was the first thing I said. Cross looked a bit taken aback at my outburst, but he got over it quickly enough. I hadn’t meant to get at him like that, but I was a bit flustered at the fact that I had embarrassed myself so thoroughly.
“I just got a job working here. I heard that it was a pretty cool place to work, so I came to check it out. They liked me, they needed someone, I got the job,” was his response. Oh my God! Cross Taylor is going to be working at my Wal-Mart! The one I work at! Yay! Yay! Yay!
So Cross works in the sports department and I work in the gaming department, which are right next to each other. Bliss, bliss, bliss! Maybe my life isn’t such total crap after all.
Monday, February 27, 2006
Ok. So today I’m rushing to homeroom because, once again, I have missed the bus, and some girl going the other way knocks my shoulder and just keeps walking! Despite the fact that all my books, pencils, papers, etc. were all over the hall floor and I had cursed at the top of my voice when it happened.
Now, I’m on my hands and knees trying to salvage my stuff, when I notice some guy bending down in front of me. I’m about to yell at him (people at this school tend to steal your stuff when you drop ‘em) when I noticed that it’s not just “some guy” that was bending down in front of me, it was Nate Wright, Cross’ best friend! And he wasn’t stealing my stuff; he was helping me to pick them up!
After about a century of gawking at him (he is very gorgeous!) I smiled and said thank you. Then he smiled “The pleasure was all mine. It’s not every day you get to play knight in shining armor to such a beautiful maiden in distress.”
Can you believe he used a line like that?! I mean seriously, “knight in shining armor”? That is soo 20th Century. But it still was really cute and romantic. I immediately went red. I could feel my face and ears burning (comes with the territory of being a redhead).
“Some people can be so rude.” He said, looking where the girl had walked off. “And some people can be so sweet” I said looking at him pointedly, “It’s the world we live in. Give and take, sweet and sour. It’s the sweet part that makes getting up in the morning a little easier.” I wasn’t flirting was I?
He blushed. Oh my gosh, that is soo cute! I mean you’ve got to understand, this guy is like 6’3’’, and buff in just the right way. He’s not like those jocks that are so big you can’t tell which body part is which. He’s like Brad Pitt only 17 and slightly more attainable. Slightly, only because he’s in high school, otherwise forget it. Nate Wright is popular. Extremely popular. Nate Wright and Cross Taylor are two of the most coveted guys in all of Colonial High. In short I had no chance with either of them.
Nate looked at me, “Cross was right you are pretty cool.” My mouth literally dropped open. Had I heard correctly? Had Nate just said that Cross Taylor had called me cool? Cross Taylor talks about me? Cross Taylor talks about me with his friends? Nate Wright and Cross Taylor talk about me together? Nate Wright and Cross Taylor think I’m cool? I need to get outta here before I have a spaz attack in front of Nate. That would so ruin my new “cool” status.
“Thanks, I never thought I’d be one of the few people the royalty of Colonial High would smile on.” I was starting to get up off the floor when I noticed he was looking at me a bit strangely.
“What’s wrong?” I asked. My heart was starting to beat a little faster. I had never noticed that his eyes were so green. They were like little mini forests. It’s surreal. We stared like that for what seemed like hours but were probably more like 30 seconds. Even so 30 seconds is a long time to be looking into someone’s eyes whom you barley know. When he finally spoke he said, “Do you really think Cross and I are as cold and distant as everyone else thinks?” He had a look of concern and distress on his face that made you want to do everything right for him so nothing bad could ever happen to him.
I guess he was kind of upset with the nickname the school had given the popular kids; or rather he was upset with the reputation it came with. Basically, they hated anyone who was not them and every once in a while they would bestow upon some nobody the privilege of hanging out with them for a while then dumping them when they became lame again.
I guess I had been wrong in thinking that that was what Nate was about to do with me. “I think that you guys are popular and I am but a lowly commoner here to criticize and ridicule you at every waking moment… or whatever. Don’t listen to me. It is quite possible I’m on crack and just don’t know it yet. I have absolutely no idea what the hell just came out of my mouth. Ignore me while I climb in a locker and die.” What the hell was that?!? Can you say spaz?!
All of a sudden I hear an unexpected burst of laughter come from behind me, and I turn to see Nate laughing at me. “Wow. Cross never mentioned how funny you are” he said. Did he actually think that my outburst was some kind of joke? He thought I was trying to make him laugh? “Thanks but…, Oh my god! Look at the time, its ten minutes into class I have to go! Thanks a lot for helping me to pick my stuff up. I’ll tell Cross you said hi, ok? Bye!”
Note to self: Didn’t Cross just say I was funny yesterday? XP
Lunch
“And then I ran like hell to get to class. I probably looked like a complete idiot, as always.” I finally finished telling the group what had happened. Josh turned to me, “Do you really still have that stupid crush on Cross?” Liz slapped him over the head. She’s learning from me, I’m so proud!
“Ow! What, I can’t ask MY BEST FRIEND a question?”
“Not if your asking as her ex-boyfriend!” said Liz. “Don’t sweat it Josh. It’s just a little crush based mostly on his looks, his very good looks. Like his eyes and that one dimple in his left cheek…” I have a dazed look on my face by now and I’m pretty sure I can feel the drool edging toward the corners of my mouth. Wait… someone else is in my daydream! It’s Nate! He’s walking toward me. No. Wait. That’s actually Cross and Nate across the lunchroom. And Nate is actually walking towards me! “Oh crap! He’s coming over here. Just act normally, like we weren’t just talking about him. No one look guilty.” I stare at my sushi in front of me as if it’s the most fascinating thing in the world and everyone goes silent. I can feel them all staring at me. So much for acting naturally.
I see a pair of white sneakers standing next to me on the floor. I look up to see Nate looking at me. “Umm, hey Autumn.”
Oh my gosh, he knows. He’s uncomfortable because he knows we were just talking about him and Cross and he thinks we’re all freaks.
“Hey Nate, what’s up?” Just act normally; this is a totally natural occurrence. You can get through this… why do I lie to myself? I’m totally going to screw this up.
I thought you created a character I could defintely relate to. I liked how you didn't try to pretend like Autum knew it all andcould get any guy she wanted. I loved the humor also. But you need to fix your tenses[ past ans present]. And start new paragraphs where a new character speaks. Besides that good job. 
Yes. I loved reading such diaries, though I think the genre's become somewhat of a cliche.
I agree with KingKamor, about the sentence structure, and yes, you do need to paragraph so as to not add confusion to the reader's behalf.
And....BubbleWrapped has basically everything that I was going to say covered.
But I'd rate this a 7 out of 10, mainly because of the quirky sense of humor you've given the narrator. Good job on that.
you captured the real mind of a teenager head over heels in love. or...so she thinks.
“rapid” wouldn’t have a capital letter I don’t think!It was like Rapid fire!
try “Cross was right (full stop) You are pretty cool”. It would sound better and easier to read.“Cross was right you are pretty cool.”
Find out how to spell barely!whom you barley know.
I disagree. If you slowed down, it might become boring ruin the charm of Blake. And to tell you the truth, I am constantly on a sugar high!1. Autumn appears to be on a permanent sugar high. No offense, but the narration moves very fast and at times it is hard to follow. Also, it feels very rushed and there is not enough narration to make the action stick together...if you know what I mean -_-While I understand that this craziness is part of Autumn's charm, I would advise slowing it down a couple of notches to allow the reader time to get familiar with Autumn and her world.
Hey guess what, I laughed. This made me laugh out loud, not that lame lol kind that you just write to let the other person know you thought what they said was funny. Laughing. out. loud.
Which means you did great ^^ Now then, time for my critique.
Turn its into it's.TellATaleFor2 wrote:Its official, no one has it worse than me.
Okay, I vote you take out the ellipses after God (...) and leave the comma. On a very teenybopper note (I loved N*Sync when they were popular, I was 7 so sue me!) Is that really how you spell J.C.'s last name? I kept thinking it was spelled differently.TellATaleFor2 wrote:Dear God…, Cross saw me in boxers singing “Some Girls” by J.C. Chasez in the middle of Wal-Mart.
*Laughs*TellATaleFor2 wrote:First of all, Cross Taylor knows my name. Hold on a minute while I bask in my euphoria.
-Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala-
Ok, I’m done.
Funny part here, though I don't think rapid needs to be capitalized.TellATaleFor2 wrote:Can you believe I was rambling on like that? It was like Rapid fire! I was literally talking a mile a minute. And Craig! Craig died when I was NINE! Why on God’s green earth would I call Cross Taylor, Craig?!?
Someone please shoot me!
I do hope by gaming department you mean videogames, if that's the case I have a new favorite heroineTellATaleFor2 wrote:So Cross works in the sports department and I work in the gaming department
I couldn't stop laughing at this part.TellATaleFor2 wrote:Nate looked at me, “Cross was right you are pretty cool.” My mouth literally dropped open. Had I heard correctly? Had Nate just said that Cross Taylor had called me cool? Cross Taylor talks about me? Cross Taylor talks about me with his friends? Nate Wright and Cross Taylor talk about me together? Nate Wright and Cross Taylor think I’m cool? I need to get outta here before I have a spaz attack in front of Nate. That would so ruin my new “cool” status.
You need a period after are.TellATaleFor2 wrote:“Wow. Cross never mentioned how funny you are”
Put the period inside the quotations.TellATaleFor2 wrote: “You know Autumn, you’re really funny”.
Well hey there, TTF2!! lol Like I said, I've read this before and I never reviewd. Woops! lol I loved it left and right. FANTASTIC!
*applauds*
I take my hat off to you...even though I have no hat. lol
OM freaking G!!! I can't believe I've never noticed this before! I love it! You did a very nice job on capturing the feelings that go one through a teenager's, particularly a female's, mind when it comes to guys! Very nice job. This line, however, was my most favorite out of the whole entry:
“Hey Craig, I um, I mean Cross. Sorry my dog’s name is Craig, sorry. I have no idea why I did that. Call you Craig I mean, cause I know your name. It’s not that I don’t know your name or anything, because I do. I mean you’re in some of my classes, and we’ve spoken before y’know?”
Can you believe I was rambling on like that? It was like Rapid fire! I was literally talking a mile a minute. And Craig! Craig died when I was NINE! Why on God’s green earth would I call Cross Taylor, Craig?!?
Someone please shoot me!
The poor thing! Anyways. One question about this next line, which was in the line above as well:Can you believe I was rambling on like that? It was like Rapid fire!
Boring???
You have to be joking.
Every girls dream... to be selected by the cutest guy in school.
Well written, realistic and interesting.
Keep posting- I want to know more
WOW!
That is very, very, very, good. (I would add more verys, but I don't want to annoy anyone) You were nervous about posting that? 11/10. I can't wait to read more. There is more...
right?
snap wrote:I really enjoyed it, you did a good job at making it sound like a high schooler, with high schooler concerns. But there are a couple of things I noticed, too. I think this was mentioned before, but it was really hard to follow the dialogue, because it was all in one paragraph. Just start a new one for each person speaking. I noticed some run on sentences as well. And, last but not least, you tended to toggle between past tense and present tense. You would be saying she was doing something, and then the next sentence, she is doing something. You need to pick a tense. Other than that, great!! Keep
Loved it. Its funny and very strong. It sounded like a real diary and just like High School. I think you should give us more.... but thats just my opinion.
I really enjoyed it, you did a good job at making it sound like a high schooler, with high schooler concerns. But there are a couple of things I noticed, too. I think this was mentioned before, but it was really hard to follow the dialogue, because it was all in one paragraph. Just start a new one for each person speaking. I noticed some run on sentences as well. And, last but not least, you tended to toggle between past tense and present tense. You would be saying she was doing something, and then the next sentence, she is doing something. You need to pick a tense. Other than that, great!! Keep
Haha that was great. I am a sucker for a funny teen story. Unfortunately I liked it so much I am compelled to give a completely thorough critique...
SO! Things I Noticed:
1. Autumn appears to be on a permanent sugar high. No offense, but the narration moves very fast and at times it is hard to follow. Also, it feels very rushed and there is not enough narration to make the action stick together...if you know what I mean -_-While I understand that this craziness is part of Autumn's charm, I would advise slowing it down a couple of notches to allow the reader time to get familiar with Autumn and her world.
2. Who is Autumn Blake? We hear about what's happening, about her job at Wal Mart, about her ex-boyfriend and such; Autumn has friends, is clearly independent and prone to sticking her foot in her mouth. But where does she rank in the social spectrum? What is her home life like? Does she even exist apart from this nervous, blushing girl we see blundering in front of the Cool Kids? I dont know, maybe it's just me but I'm not really getting a sense of who Autumn is. I understand bits about her school life and her character, but I have no context to put this in, if you see what I mean.
3. Oh, and I dont know where she is either. A little bit more info about her surroundings would be nice, to kind of ground the story a bit more. Description, overall, is lacking, although I love what you did with Nate Wright - "He blushed. Oh my gosh, that is soo cute! I mean you’ve got to understand, this guy is like 6’3’’, and buff in just the right way. He’s not like those jocks that are so big you can’t tell which body part is which. He’s like Brad Pitt only 17 and slightly more attainable. Slightly, only because he’s in high school, otherwise forget it. Nate Wright is popular. Extremely popular." Loved it.
4. Format. If I were you, I'd work on cleaning up the format of this so it's tidier. I'm picky, but it's just more appealing if it's well ordered and helps the reader keep track of what's going on
Aside from that, I enjoyed this. Autumn appears to have a great sense of humour and a...skewed perspective which is highly entertaining. I'll look forward to reading some more of this story in the future 
Hehe, this was hilarious! I love her perspective and... just her life is interesting. This wasn't much and even in the little that I read I was laughing and interested and never bored. Great job on this!
Keep it up!
~Rieda
Thank you guys so much!
I really was not expecting this, partly because of what King said. I know this is a serious work in progress (thats kinda why i was so hessitant to post it)! Thanks for the feedback you guys!
I like the narration-- it sounds exactly like what a high school girl would put in her diary... Now I feel guilty for reading Autumn's diary... Anyway, pretty good so far, and I can't wait until the next installment.
Now that the ego-stroking is over, time for the critique! *cracks fingers*
Do the words "No paragraph structure" mean anything to you? You need to indent on every paragraph, and start a new paragraph every time someone new speaks. you had three people speaking in the same paragraph at one point, and it got a little hard to read. I spotted a few gramatical mistakes, but it's nothing the good old spell check can't take care of.
Keep writing!
Post more! Sounds like a preppy/bratty teenager-we all need those funny stories once in awhile!
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