Mochi

Even drafts need proper capitalization, grammar, etc., You need to learn the rules before you can break them. That being said, I'll focus on the main portions here. This is ...

Okay so I always write my reviews as I go. Just keep that in mind as some things might contradict themselves xD “Slowly, with infinite care not to make any ...

Aw, this was sad. There was nothing in the piece specifically that stood out to me. I like the narration, it's very natural, and everything worked together wonderfully. I don't ...

The first four lines had such great rhythm to it. The last line kind of detracts from that, though, and I'm not too sure if that's intentional. It feels almost ...

For some reason some lines from this reminded me of "I Dreamed a Dream". Or maybe I've just been too obsessed with that musical. This line especially: I miss the ...

Alrighty, let's see~ It's a bit early to really get an idea about the time period. In fact, I didn't even notice that it was specifically in the Middle Ages. ...

Okay, so I might've just pictured that entire scene as something from Assassin's Creed? But that's because I've been playing too much of it. Onto the review. Overall, the pacing ...

I really liked how you introduced that the main character was a user. Anyways, onto the review... There were a few sections where I found the narrator spoke out of ...

I liked this. There are a few random new paragraphs, though. Sometimes in the middle of a sentence, but I think that might have been because of how it was ...

Comments and such in red. ^^ Prolouge I remember (You start off in present tense here...) once lying on a sun-drenched hillside covered with twisted Gum trees and beautiful little ...

I don't see much wrong with the writing itself, but part of the plot. Camilla works for the CIA? Okay, but um, why would she announce it like that? It ...

Notes etc., in red. ^^ The day had started out cool with a cloudy sky. Things had gotten difficult after noon and there was simply no easy way to explain ...

Description is definitely needed, yes. Some of your dialogue too, is unnecessary. Dialogue should be used to develop your plot and characters. If it doesn't add to either of those, ...

I think this could use more description, personally. Description and emotion. What does the house look like? I don't exactly have a clear picture of that. And the thoughts running ...

I like it! I really do! I'm a fan of these types of stories. But you have some grammar mistakes. “Jump” said a voice from behind him. There should be ...