The Win

Hey, Banda. So to start I must say that this has a great idea behind it. The begging is definitely your style and shows the great descriptive ability you have. The biggest thing I suggest you change is the second half.
"I miss the days when I was an author.

Now I am a critic.

Now I am a loser.

Now I am a quitter.

But I still remember that childish joy. I will never forget being a winner."

For this part I really felt like you needed a bit more detail with what you meant, it was like you changed writing styles mid story. I think that you could add a bit more description like how this came happened, or what happened to make you feel this way. The "Now I am" rhythm is also very nice but I think that it needs to be presented more than three times to properly fit in this piece. If you kept the last part dull because that's how you feel now that you are not a writer than you need to make that more clear in the story. Also I do not see how you made the connection of being a "Winner" with the childhood part of the text. Over all great idea love the thought behind it.

"I miss the days when my stories ran as free as a child's laughter on a hot summer day. Like little feet, imprinting themselves into the dry grass of a back field.

I miss the days when inspiration was fueled by anthing that breathed, and everything was a plotline, waiting to be put onto paper."

Those two lines were by far one of the most beautifully described images i have seen in a while, yet as i go through the rest it looks like you did not put much effort as you did in the first 2

1) You have a talent of description use it, don'g neglect it.


I miss the days when I was an author.

Now I am a critic.

Now I am a loser.

Now I am a quitter.

But I still remember that childish joy. I will never forget being a winner.

2) this part is a bit dull, i am not feeling any emotions as the beginning(put more effort you can do it)

3) i am not saying that long stories equal profundity, but i think you should prolong it a bit.

but overall your talent is great don't hesitate to write again, i am sure your readers would love to read more

So, Marauder, it's obvious this came from a place that is still fresh and raw, and genuine, and I think that always serves as a good starting point for strong pieces. The problem is you didn't give this piece nearly as much time or thought as it deserves. You started so strong. I love the idea that your stories are not only from your childhood, but they become part of a child: laugh that echos through heat rising from pavement, and the tamped-down grass of played-in fields. Those are very strong images that perfectly serve your purpose: the freedom of being a child.

Then you try to explain everything and it gets flat and uninspiring. I think part of it is that you're writing about writing, and everyone here knows the feeling of looking back on when they were young and being so enthusiastic about every piece, not thinking about audience or reception or rules. Because of this, when you say it in plain language, it's nothing new. "I am a critic", brings no image or feeling to our eyes. Maybe some people feel a dull pain along with you, but you can do more to evoke it and make it purposeful.

Stick to the technique from the first paragraph: weave these thoughts with strong images. Evoke the child, the spirit of the child, not by saying "I was a child and I had spirit", but by showing the ways your spirit effected the world and your stories. Did you scrawl your stories by hand over the entire kitchen wall -- in crayon? This shows the child, the spirit, the environment, and not once says, "I wrote as often as I could and wherever I had paper". Show, not tell, as you might have heard.

PM me if you have questions or comments, as I don't receive notifications for replies to reviews.

Good luck. Push further, and keep writing.

rumble rumble avalanche!

For some reason some lines from this reminded me of "I Dreamed a Dream". Or maybe I've just been too obsessed with that musical.

This line especially:

I miss the days when inspiration was fueled by anthing that breathed, and everything was a plotline, waiting to be put onto paper.

Kind of reminded me of "There was a time when love was blind/and the world was a song/and the song was exciting" I dunno I think it was the rhythm of it all.

Those are my only thoughts, because this was nice~ .-.

Hai, hai. I agree with Purple.

First three paragraghs were simply (and I do mean simply) incredible and sweet.
The rest is haphazard! >u<

Also, this looks more like it was meant for a poem. O.o Can I try something? I apologize if I offend. /-\



I miss the days
when my stories ran as free as a child's laughter
on a hot summer day.
Like little feet, imprinting themselves
into the dry grass of a back field.

I miss the days
when inspiration was fueled by
anything that breathed,
and everything was a plotline,
waiting to be put onto paper.

I miss the days when
I wove words together,
and no harsh sayings could affect
my basket of descriptions and characters.
I had been at the top of my world,
and there was nothing that could shoot me down.

I miss the days when I was an author.

Now I am a critic.

Now I am a loser.

Now I am a quitter.

But I still remember that childish joy.
I will never forget being a winner.

It looks right, doesn't it? O.O

First thing I thought: Wonderful poem! Structuring is awful though.
And then, I was like: OMG! It's a Short Story! OoO

Still, looks better as a poem. ^^"

Just... can you work a bit on that last part? It looks like it could use a bit more eye-catching words. Awesome to bland isn't good in short-stories, neither poems. Only in like really long books! >u< When the situation goes downhill and then comes back up.

Keep that in mind. Good work anyway. ^-^
Keep writing!

P.S, There's no one saying can't be a critic and a writer!

Hey there!

Although this was short, it did bring forth a pretty powerful message, one that many of us can relate to. The childish innocence of being a winner, then releasing you're nothing more than everyone else. I like that you wove your words together with such ease and elegance. It flows very smoothly and gives a lot of feeling to this.

The three separate sentences at the last part give a very harsh statement, but it hits it where it should. It's very dramatic overall, and written from the point of view of a person who has gone through this and now understands the hardships of life.

One thing here.

"Now I am a critic.

Now I am a loser.

Now I am a quitter."

For the start of the story, you talk about the character being at the top of the world and then he/she falls down to demise. Then comes these three sentences. The first sentence doesn't have much of a link to the second and third. Being a critic is quite the opposite from being a loser and quitter. Also, what has the critic in the character have to do with his previous self? The three adjectives should describe the author being dejected, and not confident of himself, not being a critic, which doesn't really go well with the rest of this.

Overall a good work, and I hope my review helped!

Hey the Bandit

You've got a nice piece here that I'm unfortunately going to have to point everything wrong with. So let's get started.

So first off, you got yourself a spelling mistake right over here;

I really like the imagery. Excellently done in the first 3 paragraphs. The last 5 lines don't jive with the rest of this piece and it threw off the balance and flow. It's as if you threw these lines in haphazardly. I can see what you were trying to do, but it didn't work. I'm not sure what to suggest, but all I can offer for advice is that you focus on your rhythm and tone and balance things out. For me, when I read someone's work, I judge it upon whether the language is beautiful, whether the words are surprising, whether the rhythm grips me, whether the images attract me, and whether the style and tone attracts me. The beginning of this piece started quite beautifully. But then it halted and threw me off course. Keep writing! Good luck!!!!