Jane cracked opened her eyes to the sunlight streaming through her window. She moaned and covered her eyes. She didn’t want to go to school today, she didn’t want to go to school any day, but today most of all.
“Jane get up!” Jane moaned louder as she heard her cell phone shake with her dad’s recording for her alarm. She sat up and squinted. She glanced at her clock and saw it read 6:40. “Crap!” she yelled, suddenly hyped up.
She took a quick shower and dried her hair as much as she could before putting it up in a ponytail. She ran down the stairs and grabbed an apple and granola bar before heading out to the bus. Her best friend Faith was waiting for her and she gasped as she reached the big yellow bus.
“You forgot to switch your clock didn’t you?” Faith smiled. She knew Jane had an intendency to forget things.
“Well, I meant to!” Jane protested, laughing.
“And let me guess you forgot today was our big algebra test, right?” Faith asked, pulling out her textbook for some last minuet studying.
“No, that I didn’t forget,” Jane groaned. “I studied all last night until two in the morning.”
“Does your dad know you have a test today?”
“Isn’t that obivious? He came in and cleaned up my books in the middle of the night,” Jane said before she could stop herself.
“Jane! You have to stop falling asleep while studying,” Faith scolded.
“Well sorry, I’m not the person who gets perfect grades even if I don’t study!” Jane glared at Faith and then turned away.
They sat in silence for a few moments until the bus came to a stop and their friend Penny walked down the aisle to their seat. “Hey!” she said, clearly very hyper aside from their big test today.
“Hey,” Jane and Faith grumbled in unison.
“What’s up with the two love birds today?” Penny giggled.
Jane and Faith glared at her and Penny quieted. “Well, I was going to give you guys something today but I can see you’re very grumpy-”
Jane and Faith turned to her eagerly. “What is it?”
“Here,” Penny pulled two envelopes from her backpack and handed them to her friends.
“Ohmygosh Penny! I totally forgot about your b-day! I’m so sorry,” Jane exclaimed.
“It’s okay Jane,” Penny laughed.
“Are you serious? We’re going to meditate and everything?” Faith began to shake with excitement.
“Yep, included with candles,” Penny smiled devilishly.
“How did you know that we’d always wanted to do that?”
“Jane, you really do have short term memory loss,” Penny laughed. “You guys told me, so I decided to make your dream come true.”
“I’m so excited Penny! I totally won’t forget this!” Jane giggled and her friends giggled along with her.
As soon as the bus pulled up to the school they skipped inside the building giggling the whole way to their algebra class. “Time to endure the pain,” Jane cried and pretended to kill herself and laughed.
They walked in and sat down at their desks, pulling out notes before the test to refresh their memory.
“Okay class, now that you have reviewed your notes I’ll pass out your test, do not start until the everyone has their paper,” Mr. Chinchi instructed and began passing out the white sheets.
Faith sat up straight and moved her blond hair from her face, taking in deep breaths. Penny nodded her head slowly, checking things off in her head. Jane drummed her fingers on her desk until a piece of paper landed in front of her.
“Okay Jane, you can do this,” she whispered and picked up her pencil. She quikly read the directions multiple of times and scribbled down the answers to the problems. Soon, the time was up and her paper was covered with her writing.
“Okay, now hand in your papers, and you may leave class a little early,” Mr. Chinchi told them and smiled. Most of the kids cheered but Jane handed in her paper nervously. She was afraid she would fail.
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Description is definitely needed, yes. Some of your dialogue too, is unnecessary. Dialogue should be used to develop your plot and characters. If it doesn't add to either of those, take it out.
This sentence could be fixed. You switched tenses. I would have done this: "She didn't want to go to school that day. She didn't want to go any other day, but that day was exceptional."
This sentence could have been done without the dialogue tag.
You repeat "and" quite often here. You could change that.
Revision overall can fix most of your errors. They're small grammatical and spelling mistakes, just watch out for your dialogue problems. ^^
Okay colours, you need to bulk up your sentences a bit and fix your spelling, also, try to make your sentences flow a bit better because right now it's really jumpy.
You have a lot of dialogue too. Build around those sentences to make the story more interesting.
I think you should write a bit more about the test. The way it comes across is a short test. Write about what the other students are like: Facial expression, If they're chewing their pens, stuff like that.
Ok, Colors, there's a lot of stuff that needs to be done with this.
1) Editing!!! Your spelling is not checked and there are not commas where there's supposed to be. Look through it and also check your sentence fluency.
2) It doesn't sound like a very original plot. It sounds like a pretty normal day of some high school girl.
3) Maybe you could describe some more. What do the people look like? Where is it set? What weather is it outside? Try to add more detail.
I hope to see more of your work!
BlueRaspberry