MiriamHannah

You realise you wrote that twice ;)

Hi, Of course I understand about the events of the war, Miriam Hannah is a name passed down through my family and is indeed Jewish and as such I am ...

You really won't like chapter three then. Full mental break-down! He doesn't actually, or so I've tried to show, cry at any point, it's just that your in his head, ...

war was what I was thinking. Getting them caught up in racial abuse, i was even wondering about him going off to war, decorated war veteran and all, but none ...

A lot better, all of it is a lot better A girl, walking on the street. you might want to change the present to past tense, in the story this ...

Ok good, you've got a good base for a story. The build up makes you think. Patrice stared. Her mouth stood wide open. Her eyes wide with shock. I like ...

Thankyou for your replies, please keep going. I will post up the next chapter at the middle of next week so watch out for it. I have taken on board ...

Thankyou for highlighting the selected changes needed, could i just ask for the next people who read this, how do you think this storyline would go from the first chapter. ...

Just properly modified it. Hope there are less mistakes and it makes more sense. Its really helped to have people helping me. Thankyou all so much. Miriam

Thank you, I am really finding it useful to hear what people think, whether positive or negative. I have a very fixed writing style which i am attempting to make ...

Thankyou for your opinion. I do overuse commas and have started adapting that plus give it a temporary title to show a bit more of the story line. I am ...

I never read your first chapter but i like this one. The characters are easily visible and very realistic. I also really like your setting of the park where Tom's ...

than waiting for some monster to wake up after 400 years. You, earlier on said that it only happened once a century, I'm confused if those two paragraphs work together.