Published May 11, 2009
A car, about 500m away. Definitely to fast. A girl, walking on the street. "I have to help her!!“ Patrice thought, and wanted to call out to warn the girl. "Hey!“ she wanted to jell. "Behind you!“. As Patrice opened her mouth, her tongue suddenly became so heavy. Just like lead. With all her strength Patrice fought against the numbness, just to find out that she couldn't feel her feet either.
Soooo... That's the beginning of a short story I wrote for German. I translated it to English so u could read it... 
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140,225 Literary Works • 673,047 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is quite the piece here. Its definitely starting off with the sort of thing that tends to quite quickly get your attention as a reader. It seems like we've got some sort of accident happening and then a person who wants to try and warn this person to try and prevent it but seems unable to do so. It definitely raises a lot of questions quite quickly and I think that will make this a wonderful beginning to a story here.
Diving a little bit deeper into this one, I like the way you set this whole incident up. Its very quick and doesn't mince any words so that immediately we know something is about to go horribly wrong and that this person has the power to prevent it. I love the way you then capture the way this person freezes. There's something about how you describe it in such a way that its clear this person doesn't really have control over what's going on and it seems as if some higher power is freezing the person in place unable to do anything despite wanting to. Its certainly leading to a lot of questions as to why this could be happening and of course the tension of what might happens looms over it all too.
So I'd say on the whole, this makes for a really solid start here. I for one would love to know more about what's to happen in this story.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
OK... Thanks for your opinion.
I like it that you expressed what you thought about it. Also if it was negative.
here is a little backround information:
First of all: m is for meters!
Second: I translated this from GERMAN. In german, you use allot of , and "".
Third: I am sorry if my english is bad, and it doesnt sound good... English isnt my mothertongue.
I worked hard on this piece, I edited it so often, so you cant say YOU edited 90% of it. MiriamHannah did most of it.
The story is written to be stiff, without feeling. The girl is INSANE! She doesnt FEEL anythig. Or at least not allot.
I am sorry, that you disliked my short story so much. Hopefully you like my next piece better.
hey... Thank you so much...
I don't know why people had problems with this. I thought it was brilliant. Of course, I can understand most anything if I put my mind to it. Brilliant work though. I like the idea and the story. A little insanity is always good in any story or genre. Have fun writing. ^^
- LisaMCooper -
You accidentally posted in the wrong genre? That's no problem at all! I'm a lowly Instructor (hence my purple name), so I can't actually move your post... but others can!
Look for those with light green names -- junior moderators -- and dark green -- moderators. PM (Private Message) them when they are in a good mood, and they will gladly move this story to whatever genre you would like to have it posted in!
Best of luck and happy editing,
Antigone
It's best to just state "Miles," instead of abbreviating with a lowercase M. Secondly, the second sentence should be included in the first, and you used the wrong form of "To."
The comma in not needed.
The quotations are not needed, and the thoughts should be italizied. Only one explanation point is needed.
A period at the end is not needed.
"So" should be changed into "Too" and there should be a comma after "Heavy," including the second part into the sentence.
I'm guessing you'd meant to say this.
An explanation point is not needed and is over dramatized.
Not needed.
I find it cliche' to use real-life pronouns in fictitious stories. I love Gossip Girl though, as you can tell by my Blaire avatar.
Much better.
How so? Explain.
No need to make it to seperate sentences.
What is stated above.
Only one comma is needed for thta sentence.
The "..." is not needed, and I fixed all the other errors.
Again with the sentence fragments...
You should be a comma there.
Those "..."s are not needed again.
Overall:
Quite frankly, this story was not very good. It was stiff as cardboard and you convey no sense of feeling through the entire piece. I would expect a lot more from a fourteen-year old. Especially, if you're as interested in writing enough to join this community and have as many posts as you do. I have probably have had to edited 90% of your story, which is not a good thing. If you are a reader, then good, continue to read a lot of books, but if you are not, please read more, and see what is okay and not okay way to write. Hopefully, you will get better.
Ill give it another try:
A car, about 500m away. Definitely too fast.
A girl, walked along the street.
"I have to help her!!“ flashed through Patrice's mind, and wanted to call out to warn the girl. "Hey!“ she wanted to yell. "Behind you!“.
As Patrice opened her mouth, her tongue suddenly became so heavy. Like lead. With all her strength Patrice fought against the numbness, just to find out that she couldn't move her feet either.
"…And her parents don't even wont to see her. Shes been lying here for two days already and nobody has visited. Nothing that a 9 year old could have done could be so bad that her own parents don't want to see her anymore. That should be forbidden by law!“.
"Yeah whatever. I see it just like you do. Quickly. I don't want to miss this "Gossip Girl" episode. Its on TV in a minute. So could you hurry up please?!" The other nurse answered.
Patrice stared. Mouth wide open. Eyes wide with shock.
The Girl had turned around by now and saw the car approaching rapidly.
Patrice saw everything clearly now.
Behind the steering wheel she was seated. Her face was grimaced wildly, it looked inhuman with revenge.
She stamped harder on the accelerator, to crash against the girl with even more force.
Patrice screamed, but nothing came out of her mouth. Not that tiny girl. She wasn't even 7 years.
Suddenly Patrice's thoughts changed.
Now she willingly stamped on the accelerator.
Patrice watched with a devilish smile on her lips, how she sped towards the little girl. Faster and Faster.
The girl didn't move. Not one millimeter.
The little girl with blond piggy tails, looked at Patrice as if she had known, from the beginning, that she would die young, murdered by her own sister. Run over. A loud crash. Then nothing...
Patrice screamed. She was alone in a white room.
Nobody was there. Not a single soul.
She screamed again. Then she sank back into her cushions and closed her eyes with a tiny smile.
"That's what you get... You deserved it..."
A lot better, all of it is a lot better
you might want to change the present to past tense, in the story this bit should be written completely in back tense 'she walked'. Also along instead of on the street.
Put this in italics
LOVE IT
This sentence could be made a little clearer.
I know i probably said this in the last post but PERFECT ENDING LINE.
Ok you need to reinforce past or present tense. It's great and I like the specifics, 'gossip girl' '500m' great! Just keep adding detail and you can make this into a really nice story, I'd love to see you writing more, another chapter of this, other genres in different work, explore your writing style because you do have one you just need to define it.
pm me if you need any help
Miriam
I also love really short sentences. But however my teacher doesn't...
I didn't mean what you meant with: The girl should be lower case.
I actually had a middle part in the original, but i thought it wasn't important. However I put it in again.
I corrected it:
A car, about 500m away. Definitely too fast.
A girl, walking on the street.
"I have to help her!!“ flashed through Patrice's mind, and wanted to call out to warn the girl. "Hey!“ she wanted to yell. "Behind you!“.
As Patrice opened her mouth, her tongue suddenly became so heavy. Like lead. With all her strength Patrice fought against the numbness, just to find out that she couldn't move her feet either.
"…And her parents don't even wont to see her. Shes been lying here for two days already and nobody has visited. Nothing that a 9 year old could have done could be so bad that her own parents don't want to see her anymore. That should be forbidden by law!“.
"Yeah whatever. I see it just like you do. Quickly. I don't want to miss this "Gossip Girl" episode. Its on TV in a minute. So could you hurry up please?!" The other nurse answered.
Patrice stared. Mouth wide open. Eyes wide with shock.
The Girl had turned around by now and saw the car approaching rapidly.
Patrice saw everything clearly now.
Behind the steering wheel she was seated. Her face was grimaced wildly, it looked inhuman with revenge.
She stamped harder on the accelerator, to crash against the girl with even more force.
Patrice screamed, but nothing came out of her mouth. Not that tiny girl. She wasn't even 7 years.
Suddenly Patrice's thoughts changed.
Now she willingly stamped on the accelerator.
Patrice watched with a devilish smile on her lips, how she sped towards the little girl. Faster and Faster.
The girl didn't move. Not one millimeter.
The little girl with blond piggy tails, looked at Patrice as if she had known, from the beginning, that she would die young, murdered by her own sister. Run over. A loud crash. Then nothing...
Patrice screamed. She was alone in a white room.
Nobody was there. Not a single soul.
She screamed again. Then she sank back into her cushions and closed her eyes with a tiny smile.
"That's what you get... You deserved it..."
OK in case you didn't understand it now, then: Patrice is having a flashback to two days ago, when she stole her parents car and ran over her baby sister. At the beginning of the flashback, she still wants to help the girl. But later she remembers her reasons for wanting to kill her sister, and doesn't want to stop the car anymore.
Ok good, you've got a good base for a story. The build up makes you think.
I like this but if you wanted you could make it even shorter. 'Patrice stared. Mouth wide open. Eyes wide with shock.' When writing in English you can assume that the reader already knows gender and it isn't as widely repeated.
'Girl' should be lower case.
You can delete also, 'Patrice saw everything clearly now.'
I would delete herself.
You could change it to 'She grimaced or 'A grimace spread across her face' but as it is hard to understand however, 'inhuman with revenge' i love it!!!!
Wait? Why is Patrice screaming, I thought she was pushing harder on the accelerator? I'm confused, might want to clear it up a little. Plus you might want to delete 'jet' which is probably yet. It isn't necessary.
Wait, I thought she was already willing to stamp on the accelerator. Again, you might want to clear that up.
'Devilish smile, nice, says a lot about the character. I would change speed to sped because I think your trying to write in past tense
It? You really need to clear this person relationship thing up, i don't know who's who.
Nice alliteration!
Thats a really cool last line.
Ok a few character issues but overall very nice, tense, writing. You now need to go into a little more detail, what's the date? who's the main characters? ect... Depending if you want to carry on writing or start on a different project of course. I like your writing style but I would say that for everything it will help you to improve a few aspects. Use more semi colons/ dashes. Make sentence structure a little more complicated sometimes, but i did like the really short sentences. Just clear a few issues up and it's going to be brilliant.
You can pm me again if you want any help with this or other things.
Miriam, your fan.
Thanks for your review. German is one of my main subjects after all.
It continues:
Patrice stared. Her mouth stood wide open. Her eyes wide with shock.
The Girl had turned around by now and saw the car approaching rapidly.
Patrice also saw everything clearly now.
Behind the steering wheel she, herself, was seated. Her face was grimaced wildly, it looked inhuman with revenge.
She stamped harder on the accelerator, to crash against the girl with even more force.
Patrice screamed, but nothing came out of her mouth. Not that tiny girl. She wasn't even 7 years jet.
Suddenly Patrice's thoughts changed.
Now she willingly stamped on the accelerator.
Patrice watched with a devilish smile on her lips, how she speed towards the little girl. Faster and Faster.
The girl didn't move. Not one millimeter.
It looked at Patrice as if she had known, from the beginning, that she would die young, murdered by her own sister. Run over. A loud crash. Then nothing...
In a white room a 9 year old girl screamed.
It was Patrice. She was alone in the room.
Nobody was there. Not a single soul.
She screamed again. Then she sank back into her cushions and closed her eyes with a tiny smile.
"That's what you get... You deserved it..."
I like the idea of fighting against the numbness but why can't she feel her feet? You need to make the story longer for that sentence to make sense.
For something to write in German I am impressed, I'm not a good linguist (English is enough!!!) It's a good idea and shows the right idea. An idea would be to use some 3 part sentences such as 'I picked up my bag, ran swiftly over to her and hugged her hello' OK not a good sentence but you get what I mean, it would give you more time to describe, like you have mentioned nothing so far about appearance. These are general tips for writing short stories. Something I find fun to do is test myself with 50 word stories. If you can tell a story in 50 words you can tell one in 5,000.
Just ideas but i liked your general writing style, keep writing (in english as well as german