Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okay...well we get to see more evidence of those wonderful characters here. The dialogue really does work wonders in terms of selling exactly what sort of connections they have and what sort of people they are but yet again I don't see much in the way of a premise.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Tom sat on the swing, kicking off and screaming at me as I sat on the ground, watching him swing higher and higher. I grinned. My boyfriend is so childish that sometimes it’s actually quite cute. At the right times, of course.

“Come on, get on and swing your troubles away!” he yelled, swinging the highest he’d done yet.

I giggled and jumped onto the swing next to him. Kicking the pebbles next to me, I felt the wind playing with my hair as I swung higher and higher, the kids on the slide little ants. Spending time with Tom is always so much fun.

“How are you and the girls doing with those songs of yours?” Tom asked, as we slumped on the grass, half an hour later.

“Ok. We practised When She’s in Love yesterday.” I replied.

“Know when you’re going to send some demos out?”

“No. Amber said the other day that she’d like to send some out soon, but first she’d like to write some more songs.

“Oh. I want to tell the guys at school I’m going out with a rockstar!” Tom moaned, but a mischievous glint appeared in his emerald eyes.

“That’s not going to happen just yet.” I laughed, playfully tweaking his nose and kissing it gently.

“Beep! Beep!” my mobile bleeped at me. I had a text from Paige. It said:

“Hi, Scarlett. Me and the girls are going up to the town centre later. Do you want to come? If you’re with Tom, you can drag him along as well.

“It’s from Paige.” I told Tom, who was watching me inquisitively. “She was wondering if we’d like to go up to the town centre later with her and the rest of the girls. How about it?”

“Yeah, that’s alright.” Tom smiled.

“Right, that’s settled then.” I smiled back.

Hey Lisa =]

Thanks for the PM!

Sorry it's taken me so long but I've had a week long break from YWS in an attempt to edit my second story =]

So. This seemed a little short, though it might just be because I was reading so fast. I like this story

Not much happened in this chapter, but I think it's okay as you have introduced a new character, Tom, and you switched view points so that we get to know a little more about Scarlett.

screaming - Without another word to describe how he's screaming, my initial thoughts were that he was screaming because he was scared. I'd add something like, 'playfully' or 'childishly' after 'screaming' so that the reader knows that he's having fun

he’d done yet. - I'd change 'done' to 'gone'

“No. Amber said the other day that she’d like to send some out soon, but first she’d like to write some more songs. - Speech marks after 'songs' and I'd suggest adding a little of Scarlett's thoughts here, too. Does she agree with Amber? Or does she think that they're ready to send off demos? A little insight on her thoughts will help the reader to get to know a bit more about Scarlett and the rest of the girls. Does Scarlett see Amber as being in charge etc...

Oh - To express annoyance, you could write something like, 'Aww' or 'Grr' - only a suggestion though =]

Overall;

Like I said at the start, not much happens in this chapter bar Scarlett getting a text and a conversation with Tom, but we got to know a little more about one of the girls in the band and her boyfriend.

I'd still like to read more

I hope this has helped!

xDudettex =]

I never read your first chapter but i like this one. The characters are easily visible and very realistic. I also really like your setting of the park where Tom's characteristics can shine so much more. When you switch scenes between the swings and the grass, its a nice place to switch but you really need another line to finish it off because it is so sudden, it needs to flow a little better into the next paragraph. Look forward to reading more of your work.

I never read your first chapter but i like this one. The characters are easily visible and very realistic. I also really like your setting of the park where Tom's characteristics can shine so much more. When you switch scenes between the swings and the grass, its a nice place to switch but you really need another line to finish it off because it is so sudden, it needs to flow a little better into the next paragraph. Look forward to reading more of your work.