MaryEvans

Your beginning is nice but your sentence structure is a bit similar. You can easily avoid repeating “It was” and the passive voice of that sentence by going directly to ...

What is it with the trend to start with quotes these days… personally I find it odd, but if it floats your boat, good for you, I guess. The first ...

“been laying here for” Lying. Laying is as in laying eggs. Your second sentence is a bit of a mess. I would look it over, make sure it’s clear and ...

You need tags at the starting dialogue. I wouldn’t start with a dialogue at all, especially without tags, because it tells us nothing about where we are, who the characters ...

I like the feeling of your opening paragraph but there are some word choice and language issues to be addressed. First: “The feeling of utter hopelessness and failure, and the ...

Was passing through the neighbourhood and thought I'd say: If you need to read the prologue to understand this, make the prologue either a chapter or part of the first ...

Ok, I see one major issue throughout the chapter, it’s too skinny. “She released it in surprise” Why surprise? Even if it was made clear last chapter, you need to ...

The first sentence is a bit awkward and repetitive. Maybe go for something like: “I’ve never meant much to anybody.” To avoid the really, the been, and the anything/anybody. “And ...

Your narration seems a bit distant. Try using more direct verbs and remove the –ings whenever you can. And more direct I mean this: “It was hot and stuffy, and ...

The very beginning shouldn’t really be in the novel. At least not in such a way. Exposition should be weaved into the story not plopped in as a block of ...

I am slightly confused. This was a novel right? Why is the style shifting towards script? Or are you intending to write a script? In that case you should research ...

Vary your sentence structure a bit, cut down on the I. How early does school start exactly? Most countries and most schools I know of start at about 8, and ...

I’m going to read this as a script since it’s written in such a format. So with that, here comes a crash course on scriptwriting: First, a general note about ...

I noticed two major issues in your text: “There was too much going on, that she knew that she could not fix, that she was not aloud to fix. Her ...

The beginning is a bit dry. I would look over those sentences and try to spice up the structure, vary it. Same for the narrative throughout actually. Try to vary ...