-Prologue-
It was a warm and silent night-all the crickets had stopped their songs to wait and see if the “project” would work. As if they knew success meant that the world could possibly change. As Pupeneus traveled to Ritupost, two apprentices joined him. They were dressed in traditional white Roman togas although it was far past the roman era. They continued in silence until they got to their destination, a cold dark castle, named Ritupost. There, at the elegant doors to the “passages,” they greeted Sentuson who in return gave them a more than ample greeting.
"Welcome back sire!" Sentuson nearly shouted, with a broad smile on his face. Sentuson was always like that, cheerful and carefree. That's why Pupeneus appointed him as the head researcher, because he could be as carefree as he wanted when he was a researcher.
“How is it going?” Pupeneus asked.
“We're almost done with the setup,” Sentuson answered.
“Good, get these two doing something,” Pupeneus instructed, gesturing toward the appetences.
“I will have them working on the trans flux…”
“Save your sciency talk for someone who cares,” Pupeneus said cutting him off.
“Yes sire,” Sentuson answered.
Right then Titus, wearing the head experimenter's gown, came out of the door and exclaimed, “Everything’s in place and, if needed, the extra golden crystals are in my pouch.”
“You and that pouch of yours,” Sentuson laughed.
“What I want to know is how you finished early,” Pupeneus asked.
“Well I guess being organized helps,” Titus answered.
“Sure,” said Pupeneus and muttered under his breath “more like the apprentices didn’t mess anything up this time,” From behind the doors came a sudden crash. “Curse those apprentices,” Pupeneus and the scientists ran into the experiment chamber.
An apprentice came rushing to them and said “Sorry sire won’t happen again sire.”
“And what exactly won’t happen again?” Pupeneus asked.
“I believe it was just an empty barrel that fell,” he answered.
“It better have been”
* **
Ping. Zip. Hummmm…the sounds of the machine told Pupeneus it was all going as planned. Just one more step had to go correctly for success. The transdaminci, and it was the most complicated and hardest step of all. The metal winches started cranking dragging the menacing claw at the end of the chain with it. Then they had to wait. While he was waiting, Pupeneus thought about why Titus sealed him in a red stained glass container. Titus said something about blocking harmful (sciency) stuff. As long as it kept him safe, Pupeneus did not care. As he was thinking, there came a sudden dazzling flash and amazingly no explosions. It must have worked! We could finally have world domination.
Then, Titus’ words jolted him back to reality. "Something must have gone wrong! Your glowing, and brightly!"
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I just edited it, listening to most of your suggestions. thanks for your awesome suggestions once aging. (I haven't gotten used to this whole posting and reviewing thing so I'm posting this last bit because when I said thanks before it was at the bottom of your comments, and I wasn't sure you saw it)
I know there's a story coming into play somewhere, but there's a lot of work that needs to be done before this chapter is considered done. I have a lot of editing advice for you below this message, and I highly suggest you follow them:
“Good, get these two doing something.” Pupeneus gestured to the apprentices. When a verb is not a speaking verb, don't continue that sentence. There's no excuse for it.
“I will have them working on the trans flux…”
“Yes, sire,” Sentuson answered.
Right then, Titus came out of the door...
There are periods missing, so you need to add those in.
“Well, I guess being organized helps,” Titus answered.
“Sure,” said Pupeneus and muttered under his breath, “More like the apprentices didn’t mess anything up this time.” From behind the doors came a sudden crash.
An apprentice came rushing to them and said, “Sorry, sire, won’t happen again, sire.”
“And what exactly won’t happen again?” Pupeneus asked.
Hummmm…It was all going as planned.
Then, Titus’s words jolted him back to reality. "Something must have gone wrong! You're glowing and brightly!"
Hello! Ulala here for a review!
First off, I have to say that the prologue was very nice and it definitely has me hooked on reading more of it. As soon as you post some more, I'll take a look! Keep me posted!
Secondly, to review. The very first and the very second lines began in a very repetitious way. I know. I have this issue too. The sentences could be conjoined if you don't mind the lengthy sentence. Or, you could combine the sentences and cut them in a different spot.
<quote>It was a warm and silent night. It was as if all the crickets had stopped their songs to wait and see if the “project” would work. </quote>
could be,
<quote>It was a warm and silent night-- all the crickets had stopped their songs. They were waiting to see if the "project" would work. </quote>
<quote> As if they knew that success meant that, the world could possibly change. </quote>
The comma is unnecessary.
<quote>“Were almost done with the setup,” Sentuson answered.</quote>
We're
<quote>“I will have them working on the trans flux…,”</quote>
No comma at the end of the quote. The ellipses work fine.
I, unfortunately don't have time for much more reviewing as I'm pressed for time. I enjoyed your prologue and am looking forward to reading more. Just remember to proof read.
Your beginning is nice but your sentence structure is a bit similar. You can easily avoid repeating “It was” and the passive voice of that sentence by going directly to “the crickets” and have them as the subject: “the crickets were silent” or something like that.
Generally when you have things like: it was, there was, etc., you should read the sentence over and see if it’s possible to go around them and directly to the actual subject doing the action. It’s not always possible, but when it is, you should go for the more direct path.
“As Pupeneus traveled to Ritupost, two apprentices joined him. They continued in silence until they got to their destination, Ritupost.” A bit of a repetition. We already know they are going to Ritupost by the first statement. Also a small nitpick: the throw in about the apprentices. Either expand or shift it around like “Pupeneus and the two apprentices travelled to etc.” Because if you aren’t going to describe how they joined him, and them joining him is not important to the plot, you can just say they traveled together.
“in return gave them a more than ample greeting” You’re kind of telling, not showing. Here it would have been nice if you described what his greeting was like.
Stick to the same tense, you slip into present on the next few lines while your general narrative is past.
Punctuation dear, don’t forget the punctuation in the dialogue.
“Ping. Zip. Hummmm…” what is this and why is it there?
It’s nice and all but I feel it’s too short. You can expand a bit more on the characters, throw in a line or two on how they are dressed, or any curious remarks about their appearances and actions. You have your framework, now all you need to do is build upon it.
Hey! IamTraunt here to review! Ooo! I love sci-fi!
Nitpicks!
You don't need a comma here.
You just mentioned that they were travelling to Ritupost. You don't need to mention it again. Also, why not put 'until they reached their destination'.
You keep skipping from past to present tense. You need to put 'he could'.
You've got two clashing punctuations here. You usually put a comma when your character is carrying on with their dialogue. So the comma isn't needed.
You forgot a full stop. And again in the next line. And in the next.
The comma on the end should be a full stop.
Again, you keep forgetting full stops.
It looks like you've got a good story going on here, lots of action, mysterious characters - a good theme to go with it. I'm really curious about the machine they are building. What does the machine do? How will they gain world domination by it? Why is the protagonist glowing at the end?
I want to know.
Good job! Keep up the good work!
thanks all for reviewing so quickly and showing interest in the story. I forgot to add that this was a rough draft.
Your welcome
good first draft!