YUKI'S POV
"I've had enough!" Mia screams and I hear glass shattering.
Hidden away in a corner, I shed tears.
Why? Why does this happen everyday? This isn't a family. This is hell.
I quickly run upstairs and sit on the bed. I wipe the tears and blow my nose. My cat, Cho-chan, rubs against my legs. He looks up at me with his green eyes and meows with a fragile voice. His slender ginger body jumps up on the bed. I rub his head and pet him as he purrs continuously.
"You're the only good one in our family, Cho-chan." I say to him with an unsteady voice.
I hear footsteps coming closer, but instead of coming to my door, it goes into another room.
Of course, nobody cares about me.
I start to cry again.
This whole family has been breaking apart. Piece by piece. Ever since my dad remarried to Mia and then later had an affair with his coworker. I hate my dad. He's nothing but an embarrassment to the whole family and I wish I could live with my grandmother instead. My mother died 7 years ago to a drunk driver. I was in the car with her at the time, but somehow, I managed to survive. I wish I died with her.
I sigh.
I'm not ready for school tomorrow, mentally and emotionally.
School starts back up again, it's my first day of high school .
I look at my clock.
It's 10pm.
I sniffle and blow my nose. I walk over to the bathroom and start the shower. I went to my room to grab my towels then came back. I stripped then went to the soothing warm shower. I shampooed and conditioned my long, black hair and then shaved my legs. I then hopped out of the shower and wrapped my hair and body with two different towels. I walked over to the sink and brush my teeth then went back to my room with my old clothes in one hand and my red-framed way glasses in the other.
When I got to my room i put on a new pair of underwear, shorts, and a big t-shirt. I placed the bra I was going to wear tomorrow next to my clothes I was going to wear tomorrow. I wasn't going to sleep in my bra, because it apparently helps your chest grow. I sigh and then walk around my room out of boredem. I stare out my bedroom skylight. The stars shine brilliantly and immerse into deep thought.
A new day, a new school.
I shake myself out of it and then check if everything is set. My clothes and backpack is in place. I turn off my lights in my mint green colored bedroom; I walk back over to my empty bed and connect my iPhone to my Bluetooth speaker. I fall over on my bed and then I grab my phone from the charger I connected it to before I took my shower. I look through my lock screen notifications. I see texts from my friends, which I ignore. I unlock my phone and then, I open up Spotify and go to my songs that I have saved. I lay looking up at the gray ceiling fan as the songs play and go by. My eyes start to get heavy and I remember how tiered I was from crying earlier. I feel Cho-chan jumping up onto my bed and walking over to my stomach. I fall asleep to a violin solo of Ave Maria by Pachabel.
~
My alarm goes off and I instantly hit the lovely snooze button that shut the alam's annoying noise up. There was silence. There was no music playing as I left it last night, my dad probably turned it off. I open my eyes with a groggy feeling. I get up sluggishly and stretch my long, slender fingers, to find my glasses. I try to keep my balance on my mushy and messy bed. I fall over laying on my side.
Can I sleep just for a couple more hours? No no no... I have to Get up!
I force myself up and look at the foot of my bed seeing that Cho-chan is sleeping soundlessly in a comfortable position. I enviously look at him and groan. I then look at my clock seeing that it's almost 6 am.
Shit! I'm going to be late!
I hurry up and get ready. I put on my clothes and shoes than run to the bathroom. Because it was my very first day of high school, I decided to look good for the day. I decided to wear a light brown and navy blue, floral, empire waist-line dress with a white cardigan and classy, navy blue flats. I quickly brush my teeth, do my make-up, and brush my hair. I grab a hair tie, bobby pins, earbuds, phone, and my backpack then run downstairs. My bus comes to my stop at 6:45am. It takes me about 3 minutes to walk to my stop, so i leave my house at 6:40am. I check my phone to see what time it is.
6:39am.
I then placed my phone in the pocket of my stylish cardigan.
Nobody was up and the whole house was dark. The big, heavy door made an obnoxious noise as I unlocked it and opened it. I shove my hair tie and bobby pins in my jacket pocket walking out the door to a slightly chilly, early morning, summer breeze. Oklahoma's sweet morning dew smell swirled around me. In the suburb I resided in, the early mornings and late nights were quiet and peaceful. I pulled out my earbuds from my pocket and untangle them as I walk carefully towards my stop.
I remembered where my stop was yesterday, thankfully it isn't that far from the house. This was my first time riding the bus since elementary school. In middle school, they didn't have a bus that went through my neighborhood, because it was too close to the school. I restart my music to were it was left. It went through a good amount of the songs I have saved, about half of them. When I resume playing my music, an All Time Low song comes on. I silently sing along to it as I walk into the sun-rising, darkness.
JONAH'S POV
Ding! My phone notifies me to tell me that someone has texted me.
I was waiting with my backpack in the dinning room, where I had my breakfast, waiting for my friend Jonathan to pick me up. It was 7:20am and school didn't start for 20 minutes. I checked my phone to see who texted me. It was Jonathan.
"We're here." I read.
I quickly answer back with "Okay, be right out."
I say bye to my mom and my little sister, Victoria, who was still in the kitchen and I walk out the door to Jonathan's mom's Car. When I stepped inside their white SUV, I noticed that Jonathan's hair was styled very differently.
"Good Morning Mrs. Powers." I say to Jonathan's mom.
She smiled back and returned the greeting.
"Woah, dude. You changed your hair." I say interested.
His short, light brown hair was spiked up into a fauxhawk, which was very different from what it usually is. Last year, his hair was longer and he had a Beck Hanson look. He also managed to get contact lenses, too.
"I know, I wanted to shed some weight and try something new. So i just cut my hair, hahaha." He explained coolly.
"Niceee.' I commented. "Sucks that we don't have any classes together, but I ddin't expect that we would. I mean it is high school."
"Yeah I know right." he says dreadfully. "I just hope there's some hot girls at our school..."
"Jonathan!" His mother says sternly.
"Oops, forgot that you were there mother." He says laughing.
I start laughing and then we babbled on about our schedule and then we bragged about our summer. Over summer vacation, we both went out of country. Jonthan and his family went to Italy for 3 months, and My family went to the Carribeans for 3 1/2 months. You can tell that we went out a lot, because we were both tanned. Which went well with Jonathan's lighter brown hair and deep green eyes. As for me, my chocolate brown hair and blue eyes wasn't as eye-catching with my tanned skin.
When we arrived at North Grant High School, we got out and I thanked Jonathan's mom. We both walked together towards the freshman academy and I we kept on talking.
"Okay, so when I went to Italy, I met this really cute girl there." Jonathan bragged.
"Okay, that's cool." I say as I listened to him.
"Yeah, she was totally into me. She cried when we were leaving, but we had a lot of fun." He asks excitedly.
"Really?" I ask without interest.
"Yeah man. We made out like 39 times." He says boldly.
"Niceeee." I drag out.
"I know, huh. So, what about you?" He asks curiously.
"Oh me, well. I was stuck watching my sister." I say as I rolled my eyes."So, I got nothing."
"Oh, hahaha sorry bro." He says with laughter. "You know what that means."
I sigh.
"I win this year!" He says with excitement.
Thanks a lot Victoria.
He extends his hand and motions over to pay over the money we bet last year. I dig $5 out of my pocket and slap it in his hand.
"Yes!" He exclaims. "This is my third year in a row to win."
It started during the summer after 6th grade, me and Jonathan bet each other that we can get more girls than I can. He's won ever since we started this tradition, we got pretty close numbers last year, but he still won.
Bing. Bing. Bing.
That was the 5 minute bell, and me and Jonathan split ways. As he goes off to the main building for his Spanish class, and I stay in the Freshman Academy for my Biology class. I briskly walk to my class and accidentally bump into an Asian girl a little shorter than me. She drops a few of her things and I can see that she's in a hurry. I bend down to help her pick up the stuff she dropped.
"Um, sorry." I say as I hand her the notebook and pencil case she dropped.
"Oh my gosh. No you're fine!" She says in a alarmed voice.
Her black hair was kind of messy but nicely styled, and she had on makeup that was kinda covered by her purple glasses. She looked nicely dressed but she wasn't that pretty. In fact, she was just normal.
We awkwardly laugh and then she walks towards the doors to the exit. I watch her go and then she bumps into another person, this time she didn't drop anything. I shake my head and then start to walk towards my class.
What a klutz...
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hey Pink, Scarlet here too review!
It's actually a lot better but It still needs work. I'll help you with that alright?
I have a few nitpicks.
I see this more as a thought and suggest it be put in italics.
I feel this piece could've used more detail, it goes way too fast. If you add more detail it'll captivate the readers and give more suspense.
There is a space between school and that period. It doesn't need to be there.
This sounds odd let me fix it to where It may sound a little better this way...
Hastily has the same meaning as quick, but sounds more professional.
Before 'real' school started? That also sounds odd, instead of adding the unnecessary word just say 'Before school started'.
I feel this would sound better as...
Other than that it's not bad, It could use a bit more detail. It goes way too fast and the flow of the chapter is thrown off.
Keep writing! I give you a 6/10.
Just fix those mistakes and you'll get an 8-9/10
Great Job!
With love, Your dearest friend, Scarlet
Thanks(:
Hello Pink!! Authorian here for a review!
I enjoyed the description at the beginning of the story. It was descriptive, well paced, but not too dragged out. You gave us the information we needed to understand about this character. She's depressed, doesn't feel like anyone in her family loves her. I know the feeling, to be honest. I also have the habit of listening to my iPod to fall asleep. So, funnily enough, I feel a personal connection with this character.
An excellent first chapter, good grammar, tenses, and wording. Nice verb use. Intriguing, though simple, plot (Similar to my style, I like to start with a morning and build up the character through basic, everyday things.)
Heading over to the second chapter!!
9.2/10
Thanks(:
Hey, there! I just reviewed your second chapter so I thought I'd take a look at your first! I loved the way the beginning of this chapter is written.
I could feel how she felt. You did a good job of showing instead of telling. The writing felt smooth and nothing felt out of place. I also love cats.
I'd made comments on past and present tense in my review for the second chapter, but in this one the tenses are perfectly written.
I only have two small tips for this one, and they may just be personal preference.
The first is flowing sentences together a making them less abrupt. There's a happy-medium with this, and I only really notice room for improvement on this in one or two places. I'll give you an example:
"I sniffle and blow my nose. I walk over to the bathroom and brush my teeth quickly." Could be smoothed out to "I sniffle and blow my nose as I walk over to the bathroom to quickly brush my teeth."
Or
"I hurry up and get ready. I grab all my necessities and run downstairs. Bill is already ready and we walk outside in a hurry." Could me smoothed out to "I hurry up and get ready. Grabbing all my necessities, I run downstairs to find that Bill is already ready and we walk outside in a hurry."
Again, probably just personal preference! I read a book by a famous author who always had short sentences the possibly could have been flowed into each other.
On to my second, when she said "A new day, a new school." I was a little confused because it seemed a bit out of place. I wasn't sure if she was thinking it or if it was changing the scene to a new day. The confusion could easily be fixed with something as little as "I sigh. Tomorrow. A new day, a new school." Because it would help show that she's thinking about it.
Besides that, I think it was really good! I really hope my reviews don't sound harsh, because I really don't mean for them to be rude at all. I'll definitely read the third chapter when it's posted. Keep up the good work!
Thanks so much! I apreactiate your review! And no, you weren't harsh at all(: thanks again!
Hello there. Here to give this piece its first review.
It's the harshest ones that help us most anyway. Keep writing! I'm on to your next chapter!
So for a general examination on the piece...
It started off in the morning with an alarm clock, gives it a natural, normal, everyday kind of tone. As the paragraph goes on, I realize that there is no acceleration in the plot though, so I can't tell where the story is going. It's almost like any random 'chapter 2' could follow this up, as the story doesn't yet develop an identity, as no problem is identified, maybe rather than the protagonist's boredom of the routine life. I wished more happened in this chapter to drive me to read more. Remember, even if you have an amazing story lined up starting chapter 3 or 4, you still have to give hints that there is something worth skipping class to read coming up ahead. You don't want to give away too much too soon, but keeping the real story in your head and giving us and descriptive introduction might not be the best idea.
On to some technicality...
Try adding some punctuation on the first sentence, where adding italics or quoiation marks or something. Also, look at phrase you have: "I put them on clumsily on". You see the error there. Where you have your character (which - forgive me if I missed it - is still nameless) seeing blinding lights, while a flinch is natural, a moan sounds too relaxed. Maybe a jerk or hiss is better. Still on some technical proofing, "I decided to where" should be "...wear".
A bigger deal than the others now: be very careful of your tense. Decided whether you're writing in the past or present. If you do switch tense, make sure it is intentional rather than randomly.
Paragraph 3 might be overt the top with description. The mirror scene might just be a cheap trick in telling us how your protagonist looks and feels. Let us figure out on the way and let our imaginations do some of the work.
"about 5 to be exact" makes no sense. Also, How can they sleep so late if they own so many businesses? Maybe it will make sense later, but it doesn't for me right now.
"Now days" should be "nowadays".
Ok I just love the word "spritz" now. Never seen it in action before. Kudos for using such a fun word.
So remember at least the main things: your tense and the advancement of your plot.
Hope the review doesn't sound harsh
Thanks, it's super old so I'm going to go over it and then re-post it(:
ok cool
I rewrote it... Could you please review it again?
I will tonight (in a couple of hours)
Thank you so much!
Vary your sentence structure a bit, cut down on the I.
How early does school start exactly? Most countries and most schools I know of start at about 8, and that wouldn’t warrant getting up at 5:30 unless you live really far, and usually you don’t since there are enough schools in the area.
In the beginning, her preparation actions, getting up, taking shower, etc., are more of a list than a narrative. If you have nothing important going on, start the story at a later point. Morning routines are not too good of a beginning of a story. Plus I feel they’ve been overdone. Don’t get me wrong, you can still use them, just not in the very, very beginning.
Your narrative is a bit repetitive, I’d vary the phrasing.
So overall the problem here is that nothing much is going on. Your set up is ok, and your characters are introduced nicely, but you need more. You need some conflict or some action, or anything really to hook the reader. Give an answer to the question “why should I be reading this?” as early as you can.
Thanks(:
I rewrote it... Could you please review it again?
Sentence structure is much better. A few typos here and there though, happens when you rewrite, just have it in mind next time you revise. (Also transitions, look over your transitions on the next edit)
So yeah, I do think it's better now that you start with a conflict, grabs the attention more effectively.
Thank you so much!!!
Hi, +1 reviewing over here; prepare for an overload of suggested revisions!
Judging by the rest of your story, you want it to be in the present tense, so change groaned to groan and looked to look.
My dad is always sleeping in the morning, so is my guardian, Mia, they always come home late and sleep late, especially my dad. He is an internet freak, always doing something or other on the internet, it really annoys me
CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER BECAUSE I AM A CONTROL FREAK.
Also, welcome to YWS. Now!
1) I groaned and looked at my alarm clock, 5:30 I read.
First off, you completely switched tenses; I didn't even know it was possible to do that so fast in one sentence!
Second of all, 5:30 I read should not be part of this same sentence, or if it is going to be, please reword it (i.e. I groan and look at my alarm clock; it read 5:30. More preferably, I groan and look at my alarm clock. It read 5:30.)
2) I yelled into my pillow while I threw the covers off me.
Again, tense mess up. It should be:
I yell into my pillow while I throw the covers off me.
3) A big yawn overcame me and watery eyes followed it. I grabbed my glasses off the nearby desk and I put them on clumsily on as I stumbled my way to the bathroom. As I turned on the bright blinding lights, I flinched in pain with a moan. I walk in while my eyes got adjusted to the lights. I turn on the shower and go back to my room to grab my towel and my glasses case.
After I take a shower, I get dressed.
AAAH SO MUCH TO EDIT IT MAKES ME CRAZY!
Once again, the tense mess up (repeatedly!!!). But more importantly, you really don't need this whole paragraph! Us readers are not interested in every moment of her life. I suggest taking out this whole paragraph. It just makes readers quickly lose interest.
4) A tall tan girl with thick, long black hair and big brown eyes stare back at me with a sad frown.
*Stare should be stares
5) I checked the time, 6:30am
Same exact 2 problems as the first sentence I nitpicked.
6) " I still have to get all my stuff into my backpack!"
There shouldn't be a space between the quotation marks and I still...
7) I don't put on makeup, because it irritates my face and I would mess it over the day because I tend to touch my face or rub my eyes occasionally during school, it also saves me time.
Run-on sentence. I suggest taking out 'it also saves time.'
All of these sentences are run-on. I hope you understand that putting in commas doesn't allow you to continue a sentence until it is meant to be 2 or 3.
9) Now days, I get up early so he doesn't worry about it. I head to the kitchen and make some breakfast, I check the fridge.
"Oh! We have some eggs and shredded cheese, I could make an omelet" I say.
A couple of nitpicks here. Now days should be nowadays. The next sentence is, once again, a run-on. There should be a comma between omelet and the second quotation marks.
10) The following paragraph (description of making omelet) is also something the reader doesn't care about. I suggest taking the whole thing out except for the last sentence, which is important for the following sequence of events.
11) Ding.I pull out my phone from my pocket and read the notification:
NEW TEXT MESSAGE
FROM: CONNIE
I unlock my phone and read the text:
HEY MEET ME IN THE BATHROOM, I DONT WANT TO GO TO THE GYM BY MYSELF!(;
I laugh and replied to her quickly:
Space needed between ding and next word. Also, replied should be reply (stay with the present tense.)
12) For the rest of the story, you randomly switch between past and present tense. For the last time, PLEASE CHOOSE AND STICK WITH ONE! It's not only incorrect, but hard for the reader to decipher. BWAAAAH! <<Done with that rant.
13) I locked my phone and placed it back in my pocket. I then went back to my cooking, I poured in the eggs and made the omelet.
Then I made some coffee and grab my food and my drink then go to the TV room. I turn to the news and ingest my food and coffee. Just as I finish, Tim comes in and sits down.
"Hey, I'll be back down after I brush my then we can leave!" I say as I head toward the stairs.
I go upstairs and brush my teeth and spritz on some of my favorite perfume mist from Victoria Secret called "Love Spell". I pull out my phone and check my phone for the time, 7:20am. I walk down the stairs quickly toward the door. I yell to Tim that I'm ready, he walks over, and we walk out the door to the cars.
Once again, readers aren't interested in everything this girl does. Please shorten.
Okay, so general story advice: We need some excitement! Make something happen! Just hearing about this mediocre normal girl's life is boring! Make something happen, or at least strongly foreshadow!
So, this definitely needs some work; I'm not going to sugarcoat it. Please, please, PLEASE attend to my suggestions!
This did interest me some bit. These are some questions I had in mind in interest of the story, and perhaps some that you could consider:
1) What exactly is the narrator's relationship with Tim?
2) What sort of businesses does the narrator's father run?
3) What about the narrator's mother?
4) Is this the narrator's first day of school, or just any other average day of school?
5) Age, location, interests of the narrator?
6) Why does the narrator say 'of course' when she has not received any notifications? Is it because she's unpopular, disliked, etc.?
Well, my fingers are sore. I hope I helped!
Overall rating: 3/10
+1
Thanks(:
Sorry if I was a bit too harsh....
I rewrote it... Could you please review it again?
Sure-I'll try to do it soon, but sorry if I can't get it done quickly.
'I groaned and looked at my alarm clock, 5:30 I read.' - the comma should be a full stop.
I've just noticed that you switch tenses a lot during this. Always keep it in either past or present (I'm not sure how future would work) tense.
'during school, it also saves me time.' - again the comma should be a full stop.
'My dad is always sleeping in the morning, so is my guardian, Mia, they always come home late and sleep late, especially my dad.' - new sentences should be taken at 'so' and 'they'. Look carefully at this paragraph because there are a couple of places where this happens.
'pan and place on the stove,' - there should be an 'it' between 'place' and 'on'.
Ok, um, I don't want to sound too harsh, but I'm a little confused. I'm not quite sure I understand the purpose of this chapter. It's clearly her everyday routine, which means that (a) it's not essential to your story or (b) your character is emphasising how everyday their life is, which means you should maybe coat it with an exasperated or irritated tone.
Also, it's a little listy. You sort of just go through the morning event by event, without exploring your character's reaction to each event.
I love your introduction of the rest of the family. With corrected grammar, that paragraph would be incredible.
Although this is the everyday, that does suggest that something unusual is going to happen in contrast. I am intrigued to see what this will be...
Well done
Alright! Thanks so much^^
You're welcome
I rewrote it... Could you please review it again?
This works a lot better because I can really sense your character's nerves. Also, thanks for giving her a name! It was driving me crazy
Great improvement!
Thank you so much, and I'm glad to meet your need!
haha