MaryEvans

Usually I don’t comment on starting with dialogue if it’s not the very opening of the very first chapter, but here I think you might want to reset the scene ...

Revise your opening paragraph. Its ok, but you need it perfect since it’s the start of the chapter. Alice paused besides him Word choice. Stopped or halted would be better. ...

Every time you use a verb with to (began to, seemed to, etc.), followed up by another verb, make sure you need it. Here, The yellowed out piece of paper ...

Your opening paragraph is a bit awkward. Show us how packed it is, don’t tell us. Your writing doesn’t flow too well. And I don’t think it’s because of language. ...

You’ve got some repetitions. For example, in your very opening: across. Be careful with repetitions and have them in mind next time you revise. Read dialogue outloud to make sure ...

Don’t start you very beginning with a dialogue line. It can work, but it’s very hard to do. Establish the scene visually instead. Also why is the character speaking to ...

Before I begin, your prologue is formatted awkwardly so look into that. Also make sure we need it, all of it. Scenes or backstory which is currently irrelevant or can ...

To begin, this is too long. Thing is, in browsers/online postings it’s hard to read a piece through if it’s so long. The reader has no way to mark where ...

I don’t have much to add since last review really. Same issues as before, show vs tell plus repetitions here and there. Exposition tends to drag as well. Also vary ...

I don’t know what’s going on with the formatting there but look into it and fix the justification. This thin strip of text makes it a little bit hard to ...

Your opening is a bit dry. It’s not bad in context and wording (mostly) but you might want to look it over and tweak the style/structure of the sentences. Make ...

I wasn't sure what to do. Wouldn’t “I wasn’t sure where to go” more appropriate to the situation? Even if ‘do’ is more dramatic. You mentioned this was an old ...

Well done with the formatting. You’ve got it right though the editor kind of messes it up. You can fiddle around with line justifications if you feel like making it ...

I would advise against your story with “It,” because it refers to something but you haven’t defined it just yet. In your case “this place” might be a better way ...

On a stormy night, the shrieks of wind filled the chilly air Don’t say the night is stormy. Show it. As the quote went: Don’t Tell Me the Moon Is ...