On a stormy night, the shrieks of wind filled the chilly air. The clatter of trees against second-story windows frightened the two lying on the floor of a woman’s room, fearful of a limb crashing into the roof. Wolves howled in the distance, unsettling them greatly. If the wolves were feeding tonight, how was the godmother ever to make it home?
“Shhhhh... It is alright, dear,” consoled the older woman as she sat on her knees by the female in labor. “I can already see the head.”
The woman in labor screamed loudly, her back arching as she clenched her fists. Her teeth gritted to a point where the older woman had to grab a piece of cloth. She forced the young woman to open her mouth and bite down onto the cloth instead.
“Oh, God, get this thing out of me!” she managed to say through the cloth.
The older of the two, a female with graying brown hair and soft grey eyes, smiled and looked down again between the soon-to-be mother’s legs.
“Alright, Theresa,” said the brunette with a small smile. “here she comes... On my count, you push, alright?”
Theresa moaned, but managed a small, weak nod. The older woman swallowed and then looked in on the small wonder before her, its shoulders poking through. That was when she decided it was best to start gently pulling her out. Lillian grabbed the baby’s upper arms and head and said, “One more, okay? One, two, three...push!”
Theresa screamed through the cloth, but the baby came out crying, her eyes tightly shut and hands balled into tiny fists.
The redhead lying on the floor collapsed back into the pile of pillows and let her legs drop as well. It was easy to tell she was completely exhausted, her chest heaving up and down. She whimpered a bit and took the cloth out of her mouth before stretching her arms out to her child.
“Lemme...hol’ her,” said she with a weak, raspy voice.
“Of course,” said Lillian. After cutting the umbilical cord, she moved towards Theresa’s head. A blanket was lying on the redhead’s chest and Theresa wrapped her little girl up in it. As she held her daughter, Theresa smiled.
“My little baby... You’re so beautiful. What should I name her, Lillian?” The redhead stared up at the brunette standing there. Lillian glanced down at the child, observing the bit of hair on her head which was dark, as if brown, maybe red.
“Wait until she opens her eyes.” Lillian nodded and then stood up. She walked to the nightstand beside the queen-sized bed with a thick quilt, and grabbed a glass of water. She moved back to Theresa and handed her the glass. “When they open, you can determine her name. Or if you want me to suggest a name, I shall.”
“Awright...” Theresa closed her eyes and held her daughter for a few moments before moving the child to her stomach. The girl was already starting to cry and whine for food, her eyes blinking a few times.
Lillian watched the girl’s face as Theresa moved the neckline of her dress down and let her daughter feed on her left breast. The child whimpered a bit as she fed, and her eyes finally opened. The brunette’s eyes widened when she caught sight of them. Usually babies were born with really dark eyes, or really light ones – like blue or brown. But the child’s eyes were neither. Instead, they were a peculiar violet or lavender.
They stared up at her mother in wonder and Theresa just looked back with a small smile. “Hi, my daughter...oh, what should I name you?”
“Name her Lilac. Or Trinity,” insisted Lillian with a bite of her lip. “Her eyes are lavender, Resa.”
Theresa stared up at the woman with slightly parted lips. “I...I have a better idea. I’ll name her Ferona...after her grandmother, how about?” The redhead never caught the slight wince of her midwife. “Ferona Trinity Herrington... How does that sound, Lily?”
Lillian managed a small smile. “It sounds beautiful. I love the name.”
Theresa sighed heavily and then closed her eyes. “If only Jamie were here... He’d have loved to see his daughter. I wonder if he’ll be back before the next fortnight...”
The brunette’s face was suddenly cast in sadness and she looked away so the young woman wouldn’t see it. She knew that Theresa’s husband would never come home. After being gone longer than four days – when a trek to Barbosus for groceries only took less than two if he was going slow and the conditions were like so – she doubted he was coming back.
Lillian also knew that Deathblow – a man who was dictator of the whole south side of Enid – could’ve very well captured the well-known doctor and farmer. And Deathblow loved to do sinister things like so. The dictator was quite pathetic in Lillian’s eyes. He ran around Enid, using his men – who were former soldiers from the Enid army – to take over parts of the country that the army was failing to protect. He used other people to do his bidding, but then again, he was a very cunning man to be able to do so.
He had connections everywhere. It was even rumored there were several spies in the army working for him. They were able to see what the army’s next move was. And Enid had been split in two separate parts thanks to the male. North side was controlled by the army (which Lillian didn’t find much better) and the south was controlled by Deathblow and his men. Some (okay, most) of the villages in the south, including its citizens, were on Deathblow’s side. They saw everything his way, and wanted what he did.
The few villages and groups of people that didn’t...there weren’t many of them anymore. The villages were burned to the ground, the people were murdered, or they were taken as prisoners. Lillian knew one thing for sure: Jamie most likely was taken as a prisoner.
“Yes...he would’ve loved this. I hope he’s alright.” Lillian petted Theresa’s hair.
The redhead opened her brown eyes to look at the brunette and smiled. “You’re the best, Lillian. You didn’t have to come out here and help me... There are many other renowned people out there who need help. Women giving birth...children sick... You didn’t have to come for me.”
“Oh, but I did.” Lillian swallowed a bit and looked down. “Any child coming into this world is a precious one. And you’ve been my little Theresa since you were just a little girl. I practically raised you after your...mother died. Since your father wasn’t that good of one –”
“...Don’t.”
The brunette looked down to Theresa, and found the woman to be frowning deeply at her.
“Don’t start that about him. I love my father...he was just busy.”
Lillian smiled. Not at the fact the woman loved her father, but the fact that she was so naïve. That she could actually believe that her father was ‘just busy’. He ran about with prostitutes when he found out his wife had passed. He’d dumped Theresa on her uncle, married a whore, and gone on to a better life. And then he died from a strange cancer no one knew of.
Courtesy of the Legendary Medicine Woman, of course, in which she obliged to do. Simply for the child, of course.
For Theresa. Yet, the woman still refused to believe her father didn’t love her. She wanted him to love her. Because she knew that her mother wasn’t exactly the best either. She’d abandoned them, but didn’t get far. News was sent to them that she’d died a few villages over. But the body never came home. It wasn’t very curious to Theresa’s father. He relished the news even. It was terrible for Theresa to see such a thing.
“Well...he was quite the busy man,” Lillian grumbled before she stood up again and said, “I have to head back to my cottage. Will you be okay here? Or do you want me to stay for a bit longer?”
“Stay the night?” Theresa almost pleaded, grabbing Lillian’s ankle. “I...I don’t want to be here alone.”
“Well...with winter here, I guess it is best to stay the night anyway. It’s snowing, is it not?” She walked to the window and moved the curtains aside. Yes, snowfall layered the ground outside. In the stables were four horses; all probably needed to come inside. It was a crazy concept, but Theresa often had the horses inside the house when it was winter and summer, considering it was really cold or really hot.
“Yes, snow... I’ll go get the horses, Resa.” Lillian turned around to see the woman cooing to Ferona and she smiled. “You want to get onto the bed?”
“Y-yes please.” Theresa looked up at Lillian. “Take her?” The brunette nodded and then took Ferona in her arms. After a few minutes, Theresa was on the bed and Lillian gave the woman her daughter before heading to the door.
“Oh, and Lily?” Theresa called. The woman stopped in the doorway. “Thank you. For everything. I’m sure Ferona will love her godmother.”
The frost that had layered the older woman’s heart from talking about Theresa’s father suddenly melted and a real smile curved her thin lips. Her grey eyes turned themselves on the female lying exhausted in the bed and she nodded her head. “I’m sure I’ll love her too. You’ll be a great mother, Resa.”
“Goodnight, Lily.”
“Goodnight.”
The brunette sighed a bit before she closed the door and left to fetch the horses, a heaviness on her heart that hadn’t been there since she found out about Theresa’s father.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hello Myndi
I hope I can be of help!
Just be careful of cases like this as you write. Speaking of which, back in the intro, you said it was a stormy night AND there was shrieking wind AND the branches were scratching against the window; wouldn't it be awfully hard to hear wolves howling in the distance? (But I've never had the delight of being in the situation, so I don't know aha.)
First off, I wanted to say that I'm a huge fan of the fantasy genre, so yay.
As for the intro of the prologue, it wasn't the most captivating, per se. Stormy night, shrieking winds, window-scratching tree branches, howling wolves in the distances... It's all quite cliché, and I'd even call it stereotypical for the beginning of a horror novel, not the fantasy/action/adventure you have labelled the story. I suggest you go back and perhaps tweak the imagery there, but if you're comfortable with it, then hey. It's your story. Admittedly, my intros are also quite cliché-packed, so perhaps I'm not the one to point this out
One thing I'd like to address is your use of ellipses. I found that they were a bit overused throughout the piece, and after a while, I kind of got tired of seeing them. If you are trying to indicate a pause or an act of trailing off, maybe you could replace some of the ellipses with verbs that correspond with the scene or even a comma.
For example:
“Awright...” Theresa closed her eyes and held her daughter [etc]"
You could easily change it to:
"Alright," Theresa murmured, closing her eyes. She held her daughter [etc]"
It still gives the impression that the mother is exhausted after giving birth, but without having to use another ellipsis. You get the point. I encourage you to go through and see where the ellipses aren't needed.
Another thing is to make sure your description isn't being contradicted a couple sentences later.
One example: '“Oh, but I did.” Lillian swallowed a bit and looked down. “Any child coming into this world is a precious one. And you’ve been my little Theresa since you were just a little girl. I practically raised you after your...mother died. Since your father wasn’t that good of one –”
“...Don’t.”
The brunette looked down to Theresa, and found the woman to be frowning deeply at her.'
Lillian is already looking down, and it hasn't given indication she looked up, so how can she re-look down at Theresa?
As for the overall flow of the story, it seems like it progressed at a decent pace, although it shares quite a bit of information for a prologue. Because it's titled Ferona's World, I assume that the child, Ferona, is going to be the main character. That being said, you gave lots of insight into the life of her mother and even the country. Personally, if this is only a prologue, I think you really don't need to go into depth about the woes of Theresa; that can be saved later on for the story, if/when it's significant to the plot. What really interests me is the purple eyes. It seems that neither Lillian nor Theresa are concerned at the fact the baby has such a strange eye colour (Lillian bites her lip, which perhaps is a display of discomfort). Will this be an important feature later on? Will it alienate the main character? It even mentions that it is a peculiar colour, but then it's almost immediately dismissed. Does it mean they won't be super important to the plot? They why bother even giving her purple eyes? The way it just like 'Huh, peculiar purple eyes... What should I name her?' doesn't seem fitting, even if this is a fantasy story. It'd be nice if it was addressed a bit more as to how it will play out (ie. they're really shocked at the colour b/c it will be important later on; etc.) All this being said, I honestly can't see what is going to happen next in your story, especially since this is only the prologue, and so I could completely and totally be wrong. I guess I'll have to keep reading to find out, haha.
Overall, I quite enjoyed this well-written prologue! I'm sorry if I sounded a bit harsh. I really like the idea you have going, so I'll definitely check out the next chapters, because I'm curious to see how this will turn out. Great job writing, and keep it up
- Maverick
Hey Myndi!
Alright, time to enter another fantasy world filled with magic and adventure! And heck, maybe we'll even follow the the adventures of the next great legend.
Well, this was a pretty nice read. It was written quite well, has good scenes and dialogue in it and could potentially lead to something really neat. Your writing is very good, it's easy to follow, there are no misunderstanding that could come up while reading it, and you have a good, varied vocabulary.
Overall, it's not much I would need to comment on, so I'll just head into what I thought was the biggest issue with it.
I obviously don't know where you are going with this story, but I didn't feel like this needed to be a prologue. I feel like every fantasy I read lately has a prologue starting it off because the writer is unsure about how to begin it all.
You are obviously setting up this girl that is being born here, Ferona, as the lead character. Hence the title. However, I don't particulary see why we would need to read about her birth. There wasn't really anything special about it. Just a regular birth scene.
Yet, despite the focus and reason for this prologue being the birth and entrance of our next legendary hero, you stray away from that to give out information about what is currently going on in the country?
All the family background that you write in this prologue could easily have been told through regular chapters. That also goes for what is happening in the country. Also, I'm going to assume we will follow Ferona's adventures and what she does later in the story. In that case, I'm wondering whether what's happening in the country right now with this rebel leader and all, will still be current when Ferona is grown up.
It all felt rather unneeded.
Aside from this though, this work is fairly well written.
I'll write as I go along:
I found this line a bit unclear. As I read over it again, I'm guessing you mean tree branches going through the roof?
Whoa, this world just got interesting. There's wolves out there so bloodthirsty that not even the godmother can walk about without being attacked? I'm actually quite a lot more interested in learning more about this setting now.
Edit
I feel 'but' is a bit unneeded and contradictive here. The comma would then also not be necessary.
Suggestion
This line read a bit befuddled. How about; A blanket was lying on Theresa's chest and she wrapped her little girl up in it.
Is this something one would discuss right after giving birth? I would think that names for either sexes would have been considered long before this moment.
However, I really like the thing you write next though, about determining the name after seeing her eyes. I also got the feeling that eye colors are important in this world, so that's neat too.
Edit
I would remove this second part though. I didn't like it. Why would she suggest a name? Sounded weird.
Edit
Not too fond of writing speech like this. I know she's tired and I accepted an earlier line from her like this, but I don't want it continuing far. In any case, any character speech patterns etc, I'd just include in a dialogue tag.
This entire part about the child immidiately feeding after being born stood out to me. I thought it was too soon and that it was unrealistic. However, research tells me that this is exactly what goes on after childbirths. I learned something new today!
Wait, wait, wait. The guy's name is Deathblow? Who would follow that guy? Is that his real name? Was his mother and father Mr. and Mrs. Deathblow?
Eh, I'd really consider a new name for this guy. It's really unoriginal and goofy. It reminds me of this terrible villain in the Ghost Rider film called Blackheart.
Just another example to point out how this definately doesn't need to be in a prologue.
Right before this, she considered that Jamie could very well have been captured. Yet, now she's completely sure that he's been taken prisoner?
I really love what you did at the end of this paragraph. You introduced this scumbag character and then at the end decided 'Screw this douchebag! Let's kill him off with cancer!
Although, I guess this medicine woman took him out with some sort of magic? Okay, that's cool. Why is she capitalized though? Is it her title?
Lastly, in this line you also used 'of course' twice in a row. I'd try to mix it up.
Alright, that's pretty much all I could comment on.
This has a lot of potential, especially with such a good writer behind it. I found little to no grammatical errors in this.
Despite my overall thoughts that this doesn't really need to be a prologue, as well as a few story elements here and there, I really liked this. I'm hoping to see more of it, as well as from you.
Keep it up, Myndi!
Cheers
Birkhoff
Hey there Myndi! A review just for you, for Poke-Review Day. So, let's just get right to it, shall we?
Before I start, please not two things: One, that I have not read this yet, so I'm reviewing as I read. That means that if I note something that is solved later on in the story and I didn't point it out, I am sorry. Two, if there are any inconsistencies in my review, please tell me! I'm always looking to improve.
The two what? Dogs, children?
Also, I'm a lover of unique and amazing introductions, and this wasn't either one of those. Don't fear, however! It was a nice introduction, and although it had a few concerns, it was well written.
I have a few nit-picks, however, and I'll tell you if this is prevalent all throughout the story. In the first paragraph, you had us as third person omniscient point-of-view. That means that the narrator is all-knowing, so we can generally know the characters' thoughts, even though we're in third person. It's a tricky POV to pull off, and I think you had troubles pulling it off well. I'm about ten-twelve paragraphs in right now, and I don't see any other cases of that omniscient point-of-view you used in the first paragraph. So, I'm saying just omit that altogether.
Instead of having the part "...fearful of a limb crashing into the roof. Wolves howled in the distance, unsettling them greatly. If the wolves were feeding tonight, how was the godmother ever to make it home?" there, just omit all of that. It gives the presence of the omniscient POV, but it also provides a run-on sentence and awkward wording. Maybe you could give away their emotions without telling them to the reader. For example:
"The godmother sat anxiously with the mother-to-be, beads of sweat pouring down her face as the wolves sung harmoniously with the storm."
That's a good example of showing the reader the fine details of these characters instead of just telling them. While it's not as direct as telling me, the reader, it does give me hints as to what's happening: There's two women in the room, one of them having a baby, the other helping with the child, and there's fear in the room as well of the wolves and of the storm.
Here's another great example of telling the reader, instead of showing them what's happening. There's really no need for the "easy to tell" part. It makes your work seem sloppy!
I think this should be "Alright."
She wouldn't be blinking before she opened her eyes
I would suggest to just omit ", her eyes blinking a few times."
Okay, you're getting on the verge of info-dumping, or "information dumping." Information dumping is "when background information is not interwoven with the narrative." Not only are you still just completely telling us all the information we need instead of showing us, but you're also dumping a lot of unneeded information onto us.
Note that unneeded information and details are two different things. While similar at first glance, the difference is that the details actually provide insight to the character or the plot, such as the violet/lavender eyes. The unneeded information are things like the queen-sized bed with a thick quilt. While it's nice to give us this information, you give it to us in a way that doesn't provide and insight to the plot or character development, and it's information dumping onto the reader something they don't really need to remember. This, combined with the fact that it's told to us instead of "shown" to us, makes this part extremely hard to read.
Comma instead of a question mark.
Basically this entire paragraph and the three paragraphs after this were info dumping. Please be wary of that!
So, my overall thoughts about this: The ending was solid. Apart from still calling the characters brunette or redhead, it was pretty solid! The beginning was a bit rough, and the middle was a lot of info dumping.
It certainly interested me. As prologues go, it wasn't the best in terms of attracting the reader for more, but it did its job, and that was to establish the character for the future of the novel.
I do have to say that you really should detract away from info dumping and telling people the emotions, actions, and feelings of the characters. It feels rough and it was very hard to read through the middle.
Please write more!
~Omni
Don’t say the night is stormy. Show it. As the quote went:
When you are beginning your story, you want a good, strong hook, so you can’t allow yourself to tell too much, show it instead.
It might be better to give her a name. I notice this a lot and I blame television, but you can’t transpose visuals into writing directly, and what would be awesome in a film, can be awkward in a book. In this case you focus a lot on the visuals, and that is nice, but don’t have a scene with ambiguous characters right off the bat. Characters are a way to relate to the writing, experience it through their eyes, emotions, actions, thoughts, and when you have an unnamed or undefined character it distances, takes away from that experience. So yeah, it might be good to give them names right away.
‘A bit’ is a parasite here (words that add count but not meaning).
This creates the illusion she doesn’t want the child, while it becomes very clear she does later. I suggest rewording.
I’d shorten the exposition some more. Having a paragraph of backstory or exposition breaks up the flow and you can usually introduce it more subtly in bits and pieces intertwined within the prose.
So the beginning is nice, and follows well until about the middle where I think exposition weights it down a bit. Still nothing too major so nice job, keep up the good work.