Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
February 2nd, 2009
The yellowed out piece of paper seemed to taunt her with the secrets that she knew it held. As much as it would please her to open the letter, and see what was going on back home, she found herself staring at it dumbfoundely, not knowing what to do with it. Grace muttered some incoherent things to herself, before slowly unfolding the letter. She was confused as too who had sent it, but was even more confused when she started to read it.
"My dear Grace, you and I both know why you are hiding - and it's not just because of Bates brother. Bates needs to learn to save himself. At this point, if you would choose to save him, the war could start. Hell, it's already started. They are getting closer, so be ready for them. Because when it comes time, he will find you, and take you back home. There is no way around it. You've made the mistakes, and now you are the only one that will be able to fix them."
As soon as Grace folded the letter up, and tossed it on the table next to her, her face contorted in confusion. If no one knows where I am, who sent me this? she asked herself, while her eyes slowly met Dempsey, as she looked confused.
"So how do they know?" she muttered softly, as she handed it to Dempsey. He seemed confused by what she said, until his face contorted in confusion as well, half way through the letter. What mistakes were they talking about? she wondered, as she picked up her mocha off the counter. Smelling the rich scent of chocolate, Grace brought the cup to her lap, listening the chimes of the grandfather clock on her right.
"Something's wrong there, I can feel it."
~~~~~~~~~
"Something is wrong there, I can feel it," she whispered, as her eyes slowly found their way back to her old notebook. As much as Dempsey hated it, he knew that she could never let her leave. Everyone knew, to Grace's dismay, that she was better off in a remote location. He honestly never thought that he would see his old friend again. When they had last seen each other, not even a year and a half ago, Dempsey had hated her. She had changed from the time that he had met her, to the time that he had left that place. She was honestly a total bitch.
And yet, she never really judged people too harshly, she just loved to talk about them behind their backs.
"And, this is the part where you say 'it's not safe there, blah, blah, blah, and I shake my head in defeat," Grace grumbled under her breath, as she took a swig of her coffee. Neither one said anything after that, for there was nothing to be said.
Deciding that they shouldn't just sit there and stare off into space, Dempsey turned to the blonde, as he looked at her mischievously. Nodding towards the t.v. he smiled.
"Wanna watch Buffy?" He asked the girl, as she nodded her head in excitement.
Who knew that Buffy the Vampire Slayer would get Grace so excited? he thought as the girl literally skipped to the t.v. She grinned, as she flipped through all of the episodes. Humming softly, her eyes lit up as she found the episode that she was looking for. Oh no, Dempsey thought as she smiled that innocent smile of her's.
The sound of god awful opera came on, as Dempsey groaned in annoyance. Not the musical episode of Buffy again, he thought, although reluctantly watched it. For the sixth time since she got here, his head added in annoyance.
Eleven months earlier
Bates watched the girl from across the table, as she held a slight smirk on her face. He winked at her, for what seemed like the millionth time, as she scowled. Rolling her eyes, she gave in and winked back. Bates knew not to do anything overly taunting to the girl when Xavier sat at the next table. Or he might just have to go tattle again.
Seeing Xavier's floppy chestnut hair had Bates seeing red. After the little scare with Grace hearing them talk about her, he had no desire to have Xavier get anywhere near her. Bates wanted to deal with his brother himself, not through his wingman. If Cassiel wants a fight, then he will have to go through me before he gets anywhere near her, his head snarled about his brother. Grace looked at Xavier in confusion, while sliding closer to the edge of her seat, not liking him breathing down her neck.
"Hello?" she asked, confusion taking over her features. Bates knew that they had a class together, but he had no idea what had her a little freaked out.
"I have a question to ask," Xavier leaned even closer to her, as his breath fanned her face. Smirking Xavier's eyes never left Bates', as the two men had a silent conversation amongst themselves.
"Go ahead," Grace said cautiously, while watching him, not letting her eyes stray. Bates and Grace both knew that this conversation would lead to no good, so she took a breath, as Bates hoped that she would give nothing away that could lead to something bad. Because although I'm her friend, I'm was much worse than she could ever imagine...or at least that's what I hope.She couldn't possibly know the things that I know, right?
"Are you two dating? Because although you make a cute couple, remember how old you are, and how old he is." Grace looked for a moment, not knowing what to do. And than a musical chuckle passed through her lips. She looked over Bates, watching as the man fumbled over what reaction he should have.
"Do you really think that I'd ever date him?" she laughed again, while elongating the 'v' in the word 'ever'. Smirking Xavier waved, nodding his head in approval, before going somewhere in the distance.
"Something's up with him, and I don't like it," Grace murmured before Bates could say the same thing. Because Xavier was surely planning something. And although Bates knew that it was early in the game of cat and mouse, he knew that it could destroy everyone; and the only ones' that were likely to get hurt, were him and Grace.
"I know, but I have a feeling that I know what it's about." Curiosity took over Grace's features, but Bates refused to tell her what was going on. Not until I know for sure that she has to know, he thought while shaking his head.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Every time you use a verb with to (began to, seemed to, etc.), followed up by another verb, make sure you need it.
Here,
You don’t. Just say “the yellowed piece of paper taunted her.” You lose nothing of the meaning and make the action more engaged and direct.
Unnecessary. You already imply it/show it by her staring at it dumbfoundely, so there’s no need to restate something you showed. Continuing on that, officially dumbfoundely is not a word. I mean there’s no issue using it since its clear what it means, but most dictionaries and editors will point it out as a mistake. Just something to have in mind.
Awkward. First avoid the ‘as,’ then… well here: ‘Grace folded the letter, tossing it on the table next to her a frown of confusion on her face.’ A crude way to rewrite it. There are better ways so think about it. The problem here is the chronological order of events shown by your wording. She folded it, she tossed it, then her face contorted. While the contortion probably happens while the other two occur, or is present throughout. You get my drift.
Why is she talking to herself? If you want to show her thoughts, do it through the narration. There is no need for her to talk to herself.
Why Buffy? Just asking. Is it really necessary for her to watch this particular show? Why not just watch TV?
Your narration style formatting is a bit awkward. There has to be a better way to flash back than just saying “Eleven months earlier.” An issue here is the italics as well. You shouldn’t have entire texts in italics. They are harder here. But back to my original point. There are better ways to transit to the past and just using a title is a little bit… cheap. Title stands out, breaks up the text, and sure the text will be broken up by the flashback itself but you can weave it in better. Have the character reminisce for example: It hadn’t been eleven months since: in comes the story. Or something of the sort.
Thanks! Oh, and for the buffy part, the person that Grace is based off of loves that show:)
Just be careful with trademarked items/shows. I say this every time I see it, but copyright laws can be a bitch so thread carefully.
Okay:)
Hullo, dawny96791. Porcupine Strongwill for a review.
I'm sorry if I haven't read any previous chapters of this novel, so if I say anything irrelevant plot-wise, please don't mind it.
#008000 ">NITPICKS
You've mentioned the word "confuse" and its forms a few times already in the first paragraphs. It would be nice if you could find some other way to show that Grace is confused, like maybe "her mind was jumbled" blah blah blah... Now as with the quotation above, you should elaborate on how someone looks when confused. Maybe pull something from a limited third-person POV. By that I mean, don't tell how Grace looks like, but how she feels as she produces a "confused face." I hope that made sense.
This is what I mean when I said too much of the word "confusion" and its other forms.
Who said the first "Something is wrong there, I can feel it"? And is the cut really necessary?
Oh, no, no, no: #FF0000 ">hers is already a possessive pronoun. It is NOT injected with an apostrophe. It's one word.
Umm...
Looked at what?
#0040FF ">THOUGHTS
I will repeat my main concern: your "showing" of facial expressions. You tell, instead of show. It makes everything bland. For example:
How would I change it?
That's just a suggestion to make a point. Use your imagination: how would a person who's overwhelmed with curiosity look like?
Another thing to mention is the italicization of the last part: you don't have to. You've already indicated that when that part happened (eleven months before), so no need for fancy layout.
I think it was a bit confusing, too. But since it's just a random chapter I read, I guess that fault is on my part. You ended the chapter with a nice cliffhanger, so everything else is okay, I guess.
Keep writing,
Porcey xoxo