MaryEvans

The beginning is good. I like the aspect of the dream. You build the tension all right too, but perhaps you can give it a little bit more mystique by ...

I guess it's pretty much the same things I already mention. Be careful with the repetitions and work a bit on the build up. Now that I have seen more ...

A few remarks first: “I glanced up from my staring of the last of the two suns” – sort of odd. Glanced up from staring? Going deeper: glanced up from ...

Okay, I realized half way that this was a fan-fic, and I usually don't review such but I had taken quite a bit of notes and I hope they might ...

You start your very first chapter with a paragraph of physical appearance. Don’t do that. Usually you either want to be brief with appearances or space them out, not bunch ...

I usually advice against starting with a dialogue line, but here it works well as a follow up from last chapter. Style and language wise it’s great, once more, so ...

I understand you are going for a moody/symbolic beginning, but I still support the belief you should never begin with a sentence fragment, and even “more never” with three. Generally ...

“sense of the outside was completely erased with the incense burning throughout the close quarters” – rather vague. Describe it in terms of smell, light, visuals, the way you started. ...

“who live lives” Too many, live, lives, life, in the same sentence. I suggest finding a way to variate. As well as in other cases, I know you are trying ...

“She slept on her back” – she was sleeping, unless you want to show us how she always sleeps. “distinctly bunny-like” – kind of awkward statement, I am sure you ...

A good intro and I guess it works as a prologue. I’d advise you to use it as a premise instead though and begin the story with a chapter rather ...

Be careful with the sentence structure, especially run ons. If the sentence can be split and form smaller more complete sentences without affecting the meaning, you should go for it. ...

Hey, got your message, as rare as it is I happen to have some time, so I decided to give you a review ^.^ So here it goes: The first ...

So here it goes: “I am wanting” – careful with your tenses, also keep the narrative coherent, as in use the same type of tense (choose either past or present, ...

First a few remarks: “Abruptly the first trader gave a derisive snort” – somewhat overcomplicated and not as direct. I suggest you go around “gave” and instead try something like ...