(A Message before we begin: This IS NOT fan fiction. It's my own story based on the Arthurian Legend)
Prologue
Tears for King Uther Pendragon
Camelot was a sprawling metropolis that sat at the foot of a sky shattering mountain. It was an oversized kingdom walled off from the rest of world. The only access to the outside world was via the large, iron gate at the edge of the island which the whole thing sat on.
The island in question seemed to sit idly in the waters near the edge of Albion and a large, stone bridge stretched from it to the mainland. Everyday several people, carrying with them crates or carts, would go to or from Camelot. They may have been travellers, traders or explorers. It didn’t really matter because in a few days everybody would have forgotten them. That was the problem: the world was beginning to move too fast for some people. You had to keep up or you would be... lost.
On the other side of the bridge was a large, dark forest with a long dirt path running through it. If you went all the way through here you would get to the other side and reach a completely different world compared to Camelot.
Camelot castle sat at the very foot of the mountain. It was a towering structure of cold stone and shining glass. The work of men who died generations ago...
The castle had several tall towers, 4 to be exact, the tallest of which barely reached the half the height of the mountain. It was guarded 24 hours a day and only Knights, servants, the Royal Family or people seeking an audience with someone important were given permission to enter. Security was priority number one.
The sun was beginning to rise now and it glinted off the windows that adorned the ornate structure of the castle. The small, minute compared to the size of the castle, cottages that the townsfolk, or peasants as they were commonly known, was rarely graced with the sunlight until lunchtime.
The streets were cold and in some places rather dirty and the path was often littered with hay or old, rotten fruit. But this made no difference to the people that walked the streets. Everything was as it had been the day before in the streets and it would be the same the day after.
Morgana Le Fay was tall and thin. She had long black hair, which was today tied back in a ponytail, and deep blue eyes. She wore a long chemise, which was a lot like a dress, with a lilac torso but white arms.
She was continuously scanning the hall of Camelot Castle that she was walking down looking for some indication of where she actually was.
It was her first day as servant to the prince and she had already managed to get herself lost in the labyrinth of halls that nested in the castle. Just what she needed.
Morgana strode down a long, cold hall. Like every other hall in the castle it was made of a pale stone and there were arch windows, which stretched from the floor to the ceiling, running down the left side looking out onto the gardens. The gardens were lucid open spaces with fluffy green grass sprouting at your feet. A place that the great king often frequented.
As Morgana strode down the corridor she cursed herself under her breath. She knew she was going to get lost but, her being her, she had denied it. Typical. Typical and annoying.
Morgana stopped walking and leant against the wall; looking out into the gardens. She sighed.
“Are you alright?” a strong voice asked. Morgana gasped and spun round.
Prince Arthur Pendragon was tall with a muscular body and with a mop of brown hair on his head. He had a square jaw and green eyes and wore a white, cotton shirt and a pair of cotton trousers.
“Sire...” Morgana stuttered “I’m... ugh... your new servant. I’ve been running around the castle all morning trying to find your chambers but I... got lost.” She said the last two words with a deep sense of anguish and defeat in her voice.
The prince smiled. Not cruelly or angrily as a more sadistic man might but politely and, maybe, a little friendly “Don’t worry um... what was your name?”
“Morgana, sire, Morgana Le Fay”
“Well then, Morgana Le Fay, maybe you can accompany me to my father’s chambers.” Prince Arthur replied “It’ll help you to learn your way around the castle.”
Morgana chuckled nervously. She hadn’t expected the prince to be so kind. “Of course sire.”
Prince Arthur indicated for Morgana to follow him down the hall and she did. They turned several corners and went up several floors and, all the while, Morgana was nervous and silent. But that silence was broken by the Prince.
“So Morgana” he said quietly “What tempted you to become a servant in the castle?”
“Um...” Morgana began. Now that she thought about it she wasn’t sure it had been her decision. It was more like a set of circumstances had forced her into the position. “I’m not sure really. My mother had once served in the castle but she stopped several years ago. My father had once been a trader but he had been... injured in a riding accident and she left the castle to care for him. I suppose I decided I would take her place as a servant to keep money coming to the family.”
Prince Arthur seemed genuinely happy and with, yet another kind smile he said “Coming to work in the castle to help your family was a noble, good hearted thing to do. You’re a good person Morgana Le Fay.”
With a smile, though still doused with nerves, Morgana chuckled “Thank you sire.”
The two continued through the labyrinth of corridors that the castle provided until they reached a door in a round wall. Prince Arthur pushed the door open and revealed a narrow, spiral staircase that led upwards.
“The tallest tower of the castle” Arthur explained “At the top of which is my father’s chambers.”
“Would you prefer me to...” Morgana began. She chose the word carefully. “Depart? Sire.”
“No” Prince Arthur smiled “Please come with me.”
“Are you sure sire?” Morgana said “Would the king really want me in his chambers?”
Arthur chuckled “He may be a stubborn old goat but I’m sure he’ll be fine.”
The prince indicated for Morgana to follow him up the stairs and she did. Several minutes later they had reached a door at the very top of the spiralling staircase which Arthur opened and lead Morgana through into the kings chambers.
It was a large round room with an oak floor and stone walls with a coned ceiling. There was a wooden, four poster bed directly in front of the door and inside of it was a cold body.
“Oh my...” Morgana stammered. Lying in the four poster bed was the lifeless, dead body of King Uther Pendragon.
Prince Arthur crumpled to his knees. He crawled to the foot of the bed and looked at his dead father.
“Father?” Arthur stammered his eyes glazed with tears “F... father?”
Morgana watched, unable to move seemingly glued to where she stood, as Arthur crawled round to the side of the bed and clasped the kings hand in his.
“Father?” Arthur continued to mutter breathing heavily “Please father wake up!” Tears were rolling down the princes cheeks “Wake up!” he shouted “Wake up!! Wake up!!!”
Morgana felt her senses come back to her as a pair of guards came through the door, brushing her aside. The guards were tall men in their usual uniform. A sleeveless red tunic atop a meshed, metal shirt which was known as a chainmail. On their heads they wore metal helmets with plates of metal covering their noses and in their hands they held scythes.
Morgana watched, in horror, as Prince Arthur continued to scream this fathers corpse “Wake up!!!! Wake up!!!!”
This day was going to haunt her forever.
Morgana, about a week later, found herself clearing out the dead kings chambers. Taking away his bed covers, the curtains and other things which had been in the room for decades. It was a terrible feeling.
All the staff in the castle had been ordered to wear black in respect of their dead king. The news had spread through the Seven Kingdoms like a wild fire. Everybody knew that the next few months were going to be tough ones for the new king.
It was much later that day, after the funeral had been held, that Morgana found herself at the other end of a corridor to Prince, soon to be king, Arthur. And even from there she could see it in his eyes. The sadness. The fear. It was undeniable and easily recognised. But few people could understand what he was going through. Morgana dared not to hazard a guess.
In this comment I'd like to say a big thank you to Sakuragirl1 and MaryEvans for reviewing this.
Honestly I wrote this a long time ago and left it alone. So when I found it the other day I thought that YWS was the best place to put it.
I do intend to start writing it again and I will use the advice you've given me.
Thanks guys and have a merry Christmas.
Hello! I figured I'd comment, as I've been very interested in King Arthur lately. This was meant to be a more in-depth review, but at this point, there's really only one thing I feel I can give you. Please, please, learn to show and not tell. Let me give you an example:
"This day was going to haunt her forever." <--- You said this, correct? Here's a way to make it a bit more easy to read for your audience.
"Morgana stumbled back in shock, covering her mouth. She felt the sight of it in her head, and she knew she would never be rid of it."
I'm not saying you have to do this all the time, but it's fairly repetitive. Your characters are sort of flat for it. Don't just straight out tell us what they look like. Instead of saying Morgana had a black ponytail, say that she brushed a stray black hair back into her ponytail. Use some dialogue to tell us the story, or let us into Morgana's mind. When you do this, it's much better, but I'm afraid it's rather scarce. Also, I'm not getting much from Arthur. The only time I'm really getting emotion from him is when his father dies. He doesn't seem 3D, and, please don't take offense to this, but it's hard to attract readers with 2D characters.
I think this has potential, and I'd love to come read it again once you've looked at it. Remember, the only ways to get better at writing is to read and write. Look at the writing style of your favorite author, maybe, and spend quality time with your characters. Get to know them. What's Arthur's favorite color? If Morgana were an animal, what kind would she be? I know it sounds silly, but trust me, when you exercise them, they become real to you. When they're real to you, when you start wondering if you're going crazy because they talk to you, and they're as real as any person you know, you know you're doing something right.
Good luck, and happy holidays!
Hey, got your message, as rare as it is I happen to have some time, so I decided to give you a review ^.^
So here it goes:
The first two sentences sort of repeat each other, I am referring to the mention of it being a metropolis and then the kingdom oversized. You might want to look into that.
Also I am not sure it is relevant what type of kingdom what entrances it has etc, etc, at the time, especially considering it is the beginning of your first chapter. You might want to start with an action scene or a character instead (for example with morgana being lost.) I mean it’s fine to set the world, just don’t go into tiny details right off the bat.
Also when introducing the character, do not start with elaborate appearance description. Introduce her in a situation or in a way that can show her character and then weave in the rest of the details. In general you want to stay away from blocks of texts describing appearance.
“managed to get herself lost in the labyrinth of halls that nested in the castle” that is already clear by the fact she keeps scanning her surroundings. No need to restate, avoid redundancies like the plague. I am only mentioning this because you tend to repeat and restate a lot. (This is the type of thing I am referring to: “unable to move seemingly glued,” unable to move and glued essentially mean the same thing.)
Language-wise its good, didn't see any majot grammar isses. But there are inherent issues with the style of course, there always are, and the only way to slay the dragon is write and read more. So that’s what I advise, keep on reading and writing and most problems will solve themselves. The two main issues which you need to work on, however, as I mentioned are the blocks of appearance description, (it tends to break up the flow,) and the restating of points that have already been made.
Else, nice beginning, you have a solid hook and finished chapter, albeit a bit too short and perhaps you would like to introduce a conflict other than the emotional state of Arthur.