Lilyy03

And, Lilly03, when you say The Old Kingdom, which series is that? Are you talking about Abhorsen? Yeah. I wasn't totally sure what the series as a whole was called, ...

managed to make climb Make climb? he emerged in his typical attire: loose fitting jeans, some dark colored t-shirt, and black boots. It is said that the exterior appearance can ...

In all these spots, and ones like them: who called themselves, Purebloods The leader of these Purebloods was called, Mesin His two closest friends were twins called, Dofur and Fosur ...

Does the reader need to be told character's height and weight in the very first paragraph? I think not. It's not a very gripping start; focus more on your characters' ...

Ah... Well maybe you could put "Author's Note" or something before the italicized bit. I thought it was part the piece as well. It seemed redundant, with the first paragraph. ...

Well I'd suggest correcting your dialogue punctuation . ;) I agree with your teacher that the animal metaphors were creative, if a bit... odd. There are a few spots where ...

Four rings of the old grandfather clock Do grandfather clocks really ring? I always thought of them as chiming, or maybe tolling. as every child was fast asleep – or ...

"Who do you work for?" Demanded a ferocious muscular man with deadly black eyes. "Demanded" shouldn't be capitalized. "I work for no one, however I myself would like to ask ...

Yeah... It was a dark and stormy night... ^_~ Other than that, I did like this. It's especially good that you end each exerpt you post with something different and ...

Harry Potter is good. It's fast-paced and exciting. LOTR, however, is of another league completely. Even the LOTR movies are far and away superior to the HP ones. I completely ...

First off, use a spellcheck. :) You might also want to read this , about punctuation in dialogue. Looks like you could have an interesting story going here, though I ...

This was actually quite good. It kept me interested once it got going. I think the beginning could be better though--a character being woken up is a somewhat overused way ...

The Wizeman Echelon prepared for death. For some reason "Wizeman" made me laugh, and I'm guessing that wasn't the effect you were going for, lol. I think it was because ...

"Kevin!" Yelled Elena. "Your okay!" Don't capitalize "yelled" (or any other equivalent of "said") as it's part of the same sentence as the spoken words. :) "A dark force shall ...

I haven't read it... I might, but I didn't much like any other of Tamora Pierce's books, so I'm not sure... Btw, there's already a thread for this book just ...