Young Writers Society

Chapter 4 part 2
*****

A pair of deep yellow eyes gazed out into the clearing where the elves had made their camp. A small figure worked its way to a nearby tree and began to climb, its claws finding the natural handholds in the trees trunk, the small lizard launched itself off the tree and a pair of wings unfolded from its sides. It glided to the top of the tree and perched on a branch.

The lizard turned it gaze upon the small human boy who sat next to the fair haired elf, it paused for a few moments sitting perfectly still, then jumped of the top of the tree, spread its wings and glided down towards the boy. It landed on the boys chest and looked up at him with big wide eyes, the boy recoiled in shock, so the lizard hissed menacingly.

*****

Zanderick looked up and saw the lizard land on Rian, he started towards him, walking at a slow pace. Rian sat perfectly still after the lizard had hissed at him, not a muscle moved in his body and not a sound moved past his lips.

Zanderick stooped and pickked up the lizard, it wriggled and squirmed but gaze in after a few moments. He then started to scrath behind the lizards ear. The lizard made a strange purring noise and settled down. Peace returned to the campsite. The forest was silent, the trees stood, tall and proud, their dark green leaves moving in the breeze. The lizard looked up at Zanderick.

"He's harmless." Zanderick explained.

Part 3 will be posted within the next week.

Chapter 4 Part 1

Zanderick sat quietly next to Braynon, watching Rian talk to the Elven Ranger. He cast his mind back to when he had last been to Alanar. It had been too long. He could remember almost every detail of the magnificent city. The stunning view of the opaque gardens, with the glistening, glass fountain, from which a steady flow of water came, the row upon row of white jade flowers, white flowers reaching up to grasp at the sunlight, the white, marble statues of Elven kings long dead. The glass walkways that connected the circular, white towers that rose up to pierce the clouds.

He stared off into the distance, only to be brought back to reality by the sound of Braynon’s voice “Rian and Shalla seem to be getting on well.”

“It appears so.”

“Where are you and Rian looking for?” asked Braynon.

Zanderick did not answer and Braynon didn’t pursue the issue further. He sat still for a while, unmoving then drew his long, slim sword, its blade reflecting the moonlight, his brown, leather armour making no noise as he moved. A cloud slowly passed over the moon. The firelight danced along the blade. He reached towards his belt, drew out an old rag and began to run it up and down the blade.

The moon broke through the cloud and showered light onto the clearing, the trees gained an odd white tinge, the small plants that protruded from the forest floor were highlighted for a second until the moon passed behind a cloud once more.

The sentries stood unmoving, an owl cried out and the night swept away all signs of disturbance.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Chapter Three Critique (Parts 1 & 2)
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"This is apparant. Why?"

"If you seek to steal form the Elves..."

The boy." Zanderick nodded towards Rian.

The Elf whistled and a company of Elven rangers approached the fire.The Elves wore brown, leather armour that covered their torsos and thighs. Green cloaks hiding their faces.

"The last time I was here, the forest belonged to the Ikshah."

The Elf cocked his head, unable to comprehend what was happening.

"It hasn't been that long, since we last met. Braynon." Zanderick's eyes shone brightly.

Rian stood and stalked off to join the Elvish Rangers.

Rian stood and stalked off to join the Elvish Rangers. The Rangers turned and stared at him for a while then went back to whatever they were doing before. Many of the Rangers had discarded their weapons and lit fires, those that hadn’t stood around the perimeter of the campsite acting as sentries for the company of Rangers.
Rian approached the Elven Ranger that sat alone by the fire, his cloak lying discarded beside him and his long golden hair flowing around his shoulders, gleaming in the firelight. The Ranger was staring up at the sky, watching the stars that were scattered across the night sky.

“So you mind if I sit here?” Rian asked.

The Ranger grunted and Rian sat down next to him.

“So boy, what brings you to the forest of Laran?” Asked the Ranger.

“Never mind.”

With your story, it should be really interesting but it just doesn't grip the reader as much as it should.

I found your sentences too short and .....hmm.........simple. When I read a story I prefer the writing to be a bit more long, detailed and very explanatory

For example, for the very first two sentences of the prologue, I think that there needs to be an 'as' at the start of the first sentence and the following sentence could be more detailed and explain a bit more. As a simple example (though more could be added):
(the parts that I've added are in italic)

As Zanderic broke out of the trance, his eyes faded from the deep golden colour that had seeped into them when he fell into the dream state common to all seers. He gasped , his eyes darting around the luminous circular chamber where the other seers, which had previously been concerning themselves with their own affairs, were now turning curiously towards him.

In the first chapter, I wondered why Rian actually was following Zanderick.

Other than that its a good story idea, and I did really like it!!

I haven't actually read the second and third chapters, but I will and get back to you!!!

Part 2 of Chapter 3

“This is true, but you have lived through more than one human life time.”

Zanderick looked grimly at Braynon. “That is a story for another time.”

“We shall head for Alanar at dawn.” Braynon declared.

Rian had heard tales of the Elven capital. The tall, white towers, the magnificent walls surrounding the beautiful city and the palace that was said to be filled with untold treasures. “I’ve never been to Alanar before.” Rian muttered.

Braynon laughed. “I can see why you brought him along.”

“Rian you should go and talk with the Rangers. Braynon and I have some catching up to do.” Zanderick said, deep in thought.

Rian stood and stalked off to join the elvish rangers. They turned and stared at him for a while then went back to whatever they were doing before. Many of them had discarded their weapons and lit fires, those that hadn’t stood around the perimeter of the campsite acting as sentries for the elven company.

Rian approached the Elven Ranger that sat alone by the fire, his cloak lying discarded beside him and his long golden hair flowing around his shoulders gleaming, in the firelight. He was staring up at the sky, watching the stars that were scattered across the night sky.

“Do you mind if I sit here?” Rian asked.

The Ranger grunted and Rian sat down next to him.

“So, boy what brings you to the forest of Laran?” Asked the Ranger.

“I just followed Zanderick.”

“A lot of people have said that.”

“What does that mean?”

The Elf did not answer

Rian sat next to the Ranger for a while, gazing into the fire and basked in its warm glow. He scratched his slightly misshapen nose and then turned his gaze to the stars.

“What’s your name?” Rian asked abruptly.

The Ranger didn’t reply for a long time. “My name… my name is Shalla.”

Part 1 of Chapter 3.

"Seer, what are you doing in our domain?" Inquired the Elf.

"Travelling."

"This is apparent. Why?"

"To retrieve an item that is lost."

"If you seek to steal from the Elves..."

"We do not"

"We?"

"The boy and I." Zanderick nodded towards Rian.

"You will be escorted out of our forest."

The Elf whistled and a company of elvish rangers approached the fire.The elves wore brown, leather armour that covered their torsos and thighs. Green cloaks hid their faces.

"The last time I was here, the forest belonged to the Ikshah."

"Many centuaries ago. But not now."

Zanderick laughed. "You don't recognise me."

A puzxeled expression appeared on the elfs face.

"It hasn't been that long, since we last met, Braynon." Zanderick's eyes shone brightly.

"Zanderick!" Braynon gasped. "We thought you dead!"

The fire flared brighter revealing the nooks and crags in the cliff face. "You know I don't die that easily." Zanderick laughed once more.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Chapter Two Critique
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I'm a bit worried that so suddenly you have changed from your 'all speech' writing to a style with almost none at all! You may want to edit one or the other to suit how you want to continue your writing.

Rian rode proudly, his new sword sheathed in it’s scabbard, hanging from his belt.

His Horse galloping down the old, unused road Rian was left with time to consider what was going to happen next.

The wind brushed past his face and he welcomed the cool breeze.

What little Rian had seen of Zandericks face, was barely enough to create a description of him. All he could tell was that Zanderick had long black hair and deep blue eyes, the rest of his face was hidden under the white hood.

Rian however, had light blonde hair that flowed to the back of his neck, brown eyes and a slightly misshapen nose from a Tavern brawl he had the misfortune to get into. He wore a plain white shirt, with a pair of simple brown trousers that were held up by a worn, black leather belt that he had stolen.

A group of Ikshah, their oversized lizard bodies, materialised out of the deep forest and approached Zanderick.

one of the Ikshah was projected backwards into the forest and was impaled on a branch

The leader stopped laughing.

It screeched something in Ikshaki and the others began to circle warily around the two companions. The leader brandished its blade and chattered in Ikshaki, to the twelve others. It charged at Zanderick.

A bolt of green lighting soared out of Zandericks hand and struck the leaders head.

The Ikshahs head cracked back, then it slumped to the ground, dead.

He turned his attention to the Horse and set of down the road.

The hairs pricked up on the back of Rians neck.

They continued through the forest, beneath the trees that seemed to reach up and touch the sky, across streams that trickled through the forest.

They stopped for the night, next to a small cliff embedded in the centre of the forest.

Before he could speak, a stranger wrapped in a brown cloak, his face hidden in the dark recesses of his hood, walked into the firelight.

He was an Elf.

Prologue and chapter 1 critique: I enjoyed the kind of dark feeling that I got from the Prologue. All of the characters' dialogue seems to flow quite well, but there is so much potential for detail of the setting that I had trouble picturing it. For the next few revisions, I would asvise that you describe the setting more.

Chapter 2

Rian rode proudly, his new sword sheathed in its scabbard, hanging from his belt. They had quickly escaped the market town after getting his sword. His horse galloping down the old, unused road Rian was left with time to consider what was going to happen next. All Zanderick had told him was that they were seeking an object of power. The wind brushed past his face and he welcomed the cool breeze.

What little Rian had seen of Zanderick''s face, was barely enough to create a description of him. All he could tell was that Zanderick had long black hair and deep blue eyes, the rest of his face was hidden under the white hood. Rian played with his light blonde hair that flowed to the back of his neck, considering what had happened.

The forest that the road wound through was eerily quiet. The enormous trees hiding the deeper forest from view. No bird cried out, no noise save the rustle of leaves in the wind could be heard.

An arrow arced out of the forest and landed, quivering in the ground in front of Zandericks horse. A group of Ikshah, distinctive by their oversized lizard bodies, materialised out of the deep forest and approached Zanderick. Their leader held a wicked sword, with a curved blade. Its tongue flickered in and out of its mouth. "New slaves brothers!" it laughed. The others joined him surrounding Rian and Zanderick.

"Leave now." Zanderick warned. "While you still can."

The Ikshah laughed once more, it's white scales glimmering in the fading sunlight.

"So be it." Zanderick stared grimly at the Ikshah. The gold light appeared once more around his hand, one of the Ikshah was launched backwards into the forest and was impaled on a branch, purple blood leaking from its wound.

The leader stopped laughing. It screeched something in Ikshaki and the others began to circle warily around the two companions. The leader brandished its blade and chattered to the twelve others. It charged at Zanderick.

A bolt of green lightning soared out of Zandericks hand and struck the leaders head. The Ikshahs head cracked back, then it slumped to the ground. Purple blood oozed from its mouth. Green energy sparked around the its body, the other Ikshah looked at it uncertainly, turned and then fled deep into the forest.

Zanderick breathed heavily, taxed from the days usage of magic. It had been many years since he had last used so much. He turned his attention to the horse and set of down the road.

Rian followed wordlessly, amazed at the amount of power Zanderick had just unleashed. They rode west through for several hours, navigating their way through the forest and along the treacherous road.

The hairs pricked up on the back of Rian's neck. An instinct he had learned to trust. Someone was following them. They continued on, beneath the trees that seemed to reach up and touch the sky, across streams that trickled through the foliage.

They stopped for the night, next to a small cliff embedded in the centre of the forest. A fire was lit and they ate a meal in silence. Finally Rian mustered the courage to ask the question that had been nagging at him all day.

Before he could speak, a stranger wrapped in a brown cloak, his face hidden in the dark recesses of his hood, walked into the firelight. He threw back his hood to reveal a face with strange green eyes that sparkled in the light, a face all curved, smooth with no angles, pointed ears and long silver hair that reached down past his shoulders. He was an Elf.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Chapter One Critique
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“What do you want boy?” Zanderick sneered.

Zanderick laughed, his deep blue eyes sparkling, “You’ll do boy, you’ll do.”

Rian felt compelled to follow.

“Its gonna cost ya.”

“Then your gonna want this beauty.”

“What about the boy.”

Zanderick waved his hand, its palm sparkling with golden light.

The saddles adjusted themselves to fit the horses.

“Its time you owned a decent weapon boy.”

The ArchSeer smiled, his dark empty eyes giving the red Crystal in the centre of the seeing room a cold calculating stare.

Its hard to work out whats going on , you described the actions and emotions good , but its not anchored in a reality , when i write i try to think of what details i would notice in a specific area , also fill all the readers sences , give them smells and sounds and textures - cut out a bit of the the dialog , your using your charecters as mouthpieces to tell the story , it would be more effective if you just wrote it down - But the qality of dis was grate , its a bit like philip paul mans style , ( an immence compliment ) , i liked the feeling it gave off , keep on writing this and try to make the text more chunky - rod .

( this better not be the last thing you post of this story )

Critique-Chapter 1

The punctuation is good and is very effective in the dialogue. I could find very little wrong with this as it was written well. I don't normally like stories with lots of dialogue but i think it works.

My only comment is about the characters. I think that you need more explanation to who they are and what they are doing. If you described the characters in more detail it would give a clearer insight to the story.

All together i think this is fantastic and can't wait for more of the story!

Chaged punctuation

Prologue

Zanderick broke out of the trance his eyes fading from the deep golden colour that had seeped into them when he fell into the dreamstate. He gasped. The other Seers in the room turned to face him.

“What have you seen?” inquired one of the white robed Seers surrounding him.

His gaze was drawn to the Crystal in the centre of the circular chamber that gave off a strange white light “I know where the Talisman of Lucidia lies”.

The Crystal flared red. The Seers withdrew from him in shock.

“Impossible!” a Seer exclaimed. “The Talisman has been lost for centauries”.

“It is about to be found.” Zanderick smiled.

“H-h-how?” a Seer stammered.

“I will lead a small party to it”

“Where does it lie?” demanded the ArchSeer, distinguishable by his golden robes.

Zandericks smile disappeared. “I will not tell you”.

The ArchSeer exploded in rage “How dare you! You… You…”

“You what?” Zanderick seemed to grow taller in front of the ArchSeers eyes.

“You traitor.” the ArchSeer spat.

“Maybe, but I did not betray my King” Zanderick retorted. “I did not kill innocent people and steal their children to found this order”.

The ArchSeer grew dark, he started to mutter the words of death “Tazron…. Obrickon….”

Zanderick smiled and disappeared into a green and blue circle that had appeared on the floor beneath him, leaving the circular chamber and the red Crystal behind.



Chapter 1

An invisible force grabbed Rian by his neck and thrust him up against the wall. The white robed seer approached him.

“What do you want boy?” Zanderick demanded.

Inwardly Rian cursed his fortunes for following the white robed seer out of the Tavern.

“Why were you following me?” Zanderick.

“To see what I could pick out of your robes” Rian scowled.

Zanderick laughed, his deep blue eyes sparkling, “You’ll do boy, you’ll do.”

The Golden light that played around the Seers fingers vanished and Rian fell to the floor. He picked himself up and wiped the dirt of his simple brown trousers.

“Come on boy” the Seer turned and walked down the street.

Rian felt compelled to follow. Zanderick walked towards the stables with Rian in tow. He approached the Stablemaster.

“I’ll need two good horses, one for me and one for the boy” Zanderick looked at Rian.

“It's gonna cost ya.”

“The price does not matter”

“Then you're gonna want this beauty.” The Stablemaster walked up to a stall and brought out a tall, black stallion with fierce eyes.

“What about the boy?”

“Hmmmmm...” The Stablemaster pondered. “This should do.”

The Stablemaster moved to the end stall and dragged out a small white mare “She don’t look like much, but she can outrun that stallion there.” He pointed at the black horse.

“I’ll take them.”

The Stablemasters eyes lit up. “That’ll be 200 silver.”

Zanderick waved his hand, its palm sparkling with golden light. The short, bearded Stablemaster turned away and seemed to forget about them.

The golden light still flowing around his hand, Zanderick gestured at two saddles which leapt from the wall and settled on the horses. They adjusted themselves to fit the horses.

“Get on your Horse boy.”

Rian clambered up the side of his mare and slipped on its saddle.

Zanderick floated through the air to land on his stallion, his feet shining with a golden light.

“It's time you owned a decent weapon boy.”

“Rian!”

“What?”

“My name is Rian”

“Well boy.” Zanderick grinned, amused by this. “You have a name.”

“You should call me by it.”

“Boy we will get you a weapon.”

Zanderick manoeuvred his horse towards the Blacksmiths and Rian followed.

The ArchSeer smiled, his dark empty eyes giving the red Crystal in the centre of the seeing room a cold calculating stare. A group of Seers would be despatched to Daringa to intercept Zanderick.



Hope you enjoy it.

His gaze was drawn to the Crystal in the centre of the circular chamber that gave of a strange white light “I know where the Talisman of Lucidia lies.”

“Impossible!” a Seer exclaimed “The Talisman has been lost for centauries.”

“It is about to be found” Zanderick smiled.

“Where does it lie?” demanded the ArchSeer, distinguishable from his golden robes.

Zandericks smile disappeared “I will not tell you.”

“You Traitor” the ArchSeer spat.

“Maybe, but I did not betray my King,” Zanderick retorted

First off, use a spellcheck. You might also want to read this, about punctuation in dialogue.

Looks like you could have an interesting story going here, though I have to say it didn't really grab my attention. Seers, crystals, talismans... Not really the most innovative things to have in a fantasy.

u cut it off too short, if that's the first chapter add some detail, discribe the characters more. i made the mistake of going stright into action with one of my stories and my characters profiles just kept changing, i couldnt remember where i discribed them better, having their appearences in ur head just isnt enough if thats not the first part ignore the rest of that and if its not i want to know the first part!

Thank you

I'm English

This better??

Zanderick broke out of the trance his eyes fading from the deep golden colour that had seeped into them when he fell into the dreamstate. He gasped. The other Seers in the room turned to face him.

“What have you seen?” inquired one of the white robed Seers surrounding him.

His gaze was drawn to the Crystal in the centre of the circular chamber that gave of a strange white light “I know where the Talisman of Lucidia lies.”

The Crystal flared red. The Seers withdrew from him in shock.

“Impossible!” a Seer exclaimed “The Talisman has been lost for centauries.”

“It is about to be found” Zanderick smiled.

“H-h-how?” a Seer stammered.

“I will lead a small party to it.”

“Where does it lie?” demanded the ArchSeer, distinguishable from his golden robes.

Zandericks smile disappeared “I will not tell you.”

The ArchSeer exploded in rage “How dare you! You… You…”

“You what?” Zanderick seemed to grow taller in front of the ArchSeers eyes.

“You Traitor” the ArchSeer spat.

“Maybe, but I did not betray my King,” Zanderick retorted “I did not kill innocent people and steal their children to found this order.”

The ArchSeer grew dark, he started to mutter the words of death “Tazron…. Obrickon….”

Zanderick smiled and vanished into a green and blue circle that had appeared on the floor beneath him, leaving the circular chamber and the red Crystal behind.

Ooooh! Nice!

fading from the deep golden colour that had seeped in to them

His gaze was drawn to the Crystal in the centre of the circular chamber gave of a strange white light

disapeared