First off I'd like to say that Jesse and Belle are not the main characters, but they are very important. Second oddly enough I got inspired for this by my blog title 
. Third don't be afraid to be harsh, I just need some helpful criticism -- mean or nice.
Fourth Thank you and ENJOY!
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Four rings of the old grandfather clock marked midnight, the old orphanage was silent as every child was fast asleep – or so they thought. A single light floated around the building it’s guild was Old Man Hendrix’s the caretaker, he walked through the halls opening each door and checking every room. Once he was satisfied he went back to bed, as if by clockwork Old Man Hendrix closed his door with a loud click. Jesse Collins had observed this over the months he had been there. He knew to wait fifteen minutes after that click and where to step as he rolled out of the bed, to make sure that the floor didn’t creak.
He silently pulled his packed backpack from under his bed and looked around. None of the other boys were awake, large windows on one side of the room let in the moon light making the room glow with eerie white light. He stood up and crept out of the room. The halls were silent, he made his way to the girls room, Maybelle Collins was a smart little girl so Jesse wasn’t surprised to see her waiting for him outside the girls room.
“Ready Belle?” Jesse asked, the seven year old nodded. “Lets go then.” Hand in hand they quietly raced through the halls.
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“Where does this train go Jess?” Belle yawned, it was around noon neither of them had gotten any sleep. It had taken Jesse and Belle to get to the train yard, and now he had to make a fast decision.
“Hopefully south.” Jesse said lifting Belle into the train car. He threw his backpack in and jumped into the train car just as it began to move. “Belle? Are you hungry?”
Jesse turned around, and saw Belle fast asleep on a bag of grain. Jesse just had to laugh, he finished closing the car door and found a comfortable spot to sleep.
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Canary word: Present
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I spaced this out for you, so it's nice and easier to read. In the future, you should space it out like I did. It is easier on the eyes.
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But four rings would be four o’clock, wouldn’t it? Each stroke for every hour.
It’s guild? What does that mean? Is the light held up by Old Man Hendrix?
Repetition of ‘light’. Maybe the last one could be: beams/rays
‘Lets’ = Let’s
^^^ See quote
Time missing there, which is why I didn’t understand the sentence at first.
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Hello Stevie!
I don’t have a proper review since this is so short. But how did they get on the train? Are they stowaways? Didn’t anyone spot them at the station, or check for tickets?
And maybe you could change the whole midnight thing, too many things have taken place around that time but that is entirely up to you.
-- Myth
Quote- "A single light floated around the building it’s guild was Old Man Hendrix’s the caretaker, he walked through the halls opening each door and checking every room."
I'm not sure about this sentence. Are you trying to say guide not guild. If so, have a full stop after building. And Old Man Hendrix's doesn't make too much sense either.
Good read though, keep writing.
Tzmanda - Glad you like it.
Lilyy03 - Thanks for the help, I edited it and made the changes you suggested. (BTW the meaning of 'they' was supposed to be the orphanage owners and such... I replaced it with 'he' so that it seemed more like Old Man Hindrix -- at least that's what I hope)
Thank you!
Do grandfather clocks really ring? I always thought of them as chiming, or maybe tolling.
Who is "they"?
I don't think I understand what you mean by "it's guild". Also, that comma should probably be either a period or semicolon.
All those commas should be periods too. Watch out for spots where you put a comma between two sentences.
Now, for a change, that period should be a comma.
Aside from those things, this was pretty good. I don't feel as if I've read enough of it to comment on the plot or characters... So keep posting and I'll be back.
Well, I like it so far. Keep writing, I'm interested in what cames next.